It's our game, not your war, you primitive little twat.

The BBQ Pit
1

To the boy I played Laser Tag with this evening:

And yeah, you’re a boy. Be as buff and as brash and as crude and as violent as you like. You are not a man. Those things do not make you a man. You are a boy.

You ruined the game.

And yeah, we were playing a game.

We wanted to have fun. We wanted a good game in which we could enjoy ourselves and then laugh about the whole thing afterwards.

The establishment has the rule ‘don’t run in the maze’ for a reason. So when you are running around like a thing gone mad and everybody else is calmly walking, maybe lightly jogging and you barrell them into a wall - it is not their fault. It is your fault. Do not yell at them. You hurt people tonight and each time you did you spat it in their faces that it was their own fault.

When you are hurtling through the maze at top speed, it gives your teammates far less time to establish if the thing coming towards them is a team-thing or an enemy-thing. So sometimes, because the game relies on points-from-shooting and points-from-not-being-shot-at - your team just shoot. And they hit you and we lose points. Notice how when this happened to the other teams, they laughed and said ‘Sorry!’? Notice how it happened to you an AWFUL lot? Guess what, that’s not everybody else’s fault. If you don’t want to get shot by your own team, do not charge them at full speed with absolutely no warning. Everybody else got by fine by saying ‘Same team!’ just in time.

I do not appreciate being yelled at in-game because you can’t calm down and enjoy yourself.

I do not appreciate being yelled at after the game because we didn’t adhere to your manifesto of manliness.

I like Laser Tag. I enjoy it. I’m not super-good, but I don’t care. I like playing with my friends. We could have enjoyed the night, but you had to turn into a Festival-Of-Manliness.

Nobody else gave a fuck who won. Nobody else gave a fuck who shot them. Nobody else gave a fuck who had greater accuracy or effectiveness. Nobody else lived and died and swore at people with the hit-count. Nobody else snarled when shot. Nobody else thought the game was a worth-affirming test of ability.

But because you couldn’t stop yourself from giving a carefully chosen, fully functioning, lightly scented, gift-wrapped fuck to the occasion - Nobody else had fun.

We paid for some games, not for some battle missions. We did not want, need or ask you to ‘lead us’ so don’t bark orders at us like we’re your tin soldiers. We were trying to play a GAME.

Now, while we’re here - let’s take a little time to discuss the properties of the penis. Just the basics, nothing complicated, but things everyone should know.

  1. Your penis is firmly attached to your groin. It will not fall off you;
    a) are beaten by a female
    b) lose a game
    c) laugh something off instead of avenging
    yourself

  2. Your penis and your testicles are part of what makes you a male. This gives you the unique abilities of:
    a)urinating while standing
    b)reproducing without getting pregnant
    c)other sundry sexual and/or reproductive bonuses.

  3. It does not make you more worthy than people without penises.

  4. The penis does not give the owner superpowers.

  5. The penis does not endow any rights not given to those not in possession of a penis.

  6. People without a penis do not automatically need or desire the protection and/or instructions from people who do possess a penis.

For the rest, ask your mother. Wait, no, that would be difficult for you to do, since you cannot fathom that women might have any knowledge of the world beyond hair and shopping. So ask your dad. No, wait, that’s wrong too. You can’t talk to your father about anything that doesn’t have a motor or a trigger. Hmm, I wonder how you managed to grow up so clueless?

You a sad and pathetic little boy. You are obsessed with violence and victory. It’s a fucking disgrace that you think your attitude makes you manly and cool.
PS: You don’t know anything about women. Stop presuming to. You are nearly 22. You have never had a girlfriend, you have never been kissed. You have barely been touched by any women, barring accidents and relatives. That’s fine, nothing really wrong with that in and of itself. But your total lack of experience with male-female relationships of any kind renders you less-than-the-best person to be attempting to make decisions on behalf of your perfectly capable little sister as to who she dates and how. So stop going on about how you’re going to beat up anyone who touches her without your permission. You’re pathetic.

2

Jesus, you’re just as bad as him.

3

You touched his sister, didn’t you?

4

am I the only one aroused by all of this?

5

So, you suck at Laser Tag, eh?

6

Nice rant, but one niggle. Nothing uniquely male about peeing standing up. Women can do it too. As Wikipedia
puts it:

“A little known fact is that it is possible for women to urinate standing up. It is possible to do this by manipulating the genitalia in a certain way, orienting the pelvis at an angle, and rapidly forcing the urine stream out”

It’s hardly “little known”, I’m sure it’s cropped up here more than once. Herodotus tells us that it was the custom in Egypt (he was writing in the 5th century BCE) for the men to piss sitting down, while the women stood up to piss.

Here endeth the niggle.

7

That reminds me of the time a big group of friends went to play paintball at an indoor warehouse type place. Everybody and anybody could show up on a particular night and they’d divide everyone into two teams.
We had never been before and were there to have fun. Of course we ran into the kid who was a regular and took it upon himself to tell the team how it “should be done”, “follow his orders because he knows the terrain”, “no, your doing it wrong”, “he’s going to lead the charge and we need to cover him”.
That didn’t last long. When the kid wouldn’t shut up our friend “Bob” who was the big but silent type finally told him in front of everyone “Hey kid, Fuck off!” he looked stuned but then noticed everyone else was giving him dirty looks.

For the rest of the night the kid didn’t say a word and just moped to himself.

8

wonders slightly how the rant segwayed into “not knowing a thing about women” from running about like an idiot but…

Anyways, I would just recommend thinking more in terms of what fun you did have over how much fun the idiot ruined. Tends to be a better stress alieviator than ranting. :wink:

9

Reading the OP, I thought I caught the slightest whiff of sexual tension between the protagonist and the antagonist. (maybe it was just the perfume of an intern who just walked by though)

10

A rant was riding a Segway in this thread? Did somebody get a screen cap?

11

You seem awfully obsessed with this “penis” thing.

12

Tell me about your father.

13

What, NOBODY thought to trip the stupid asshole and send him sprawling, face-first, into the maze walls? Put him out with an injury people, what’s wrong with you? It’s WAR!!!

Yeah, I hate dipshit LT players, too…especially the ones who cover their targets.

14

Am I mistaken, or is the OP a sister (or possibly friend of asshat’s sister either) of the asshat that is pitted therein? :confused: Can you clarify? Are you male, or female? (Though I suspect female.) Are you related to the jerk, or do you just have the misfortune to be acquainted with him, or was he “A Random Stranger 01”?

15

So, how was his score?

I bet he wouldn’t be such a wild-assed dick if you were playing paintball. Running around like a maniac and getting shot by your own team carries very little downside in laser tag, but in paint ball? Those suckers hurt, particularly if you’re running straight at the person shooting you.

Oh, and next time he runs in the maze? Tell on him. Get his ass kicked off the course.

16

Good question, and I was thinking the same. I was also thinking that there were a bunch of girls last time I played Laser Tag who were saying very similar things about everyone else. Not that there aren’t overly gung ho guys out there who make assholes out of themselves and ruin things for other people, but there are also females who regard any hint of competition as over the top.

The girls I referred to above ended up all laying down along a back corridor and being outraged anytime someone shot them, and then bitching up a storm about the whole thing later on.

17

Sounds like the OP and his nemesis needed to just get a room and get it over with, so everyone could go back and enjoy Laser Tag. Nothing ruins a good war game like unresolved homoerotic tension.

:wink: :smiley: :slight_smile:

18

I can see it now: “Local Laser Tag installs condom machines; Civic Leaders in Uproar!”

19

I can agree with the OP that there’s no need to be obnoxious about a game. When I was younger, my buddies and I were hardcore paintball players to a certain extent. We didn’t play the tournament style games you sometimes see on TV. We prefered the military style game played on larger fields in the woods. We were damned good, and developed a certain reputation in the local paintball community…like “hey, those are the “Team Name Here”…better watch out for them”.

Our finest hour came at the local field. My best friend and I showed up that morning to play…rest of our guys couldn’t make it. When we got there, we discovered that there was a large group of players from the youth group at a nearby baptist church. Apparently, they’d developed some tensions between the Juniors and the Seniors, and determined to divide the teams accordingly. The seniors were just dogging the young guys out, intimidation, jeering, etc…and the Juniors just happened to be slightly outnumbered.

The field owner knew my buddy and I. We’d played at his field many times, and he’d attended games elsewhere with us. He called us to the side, explained the situation, and asked if we’d mind playing with the Juniors just to even things up a bit. Being the manly men we are, of course we agreed. The Seniors were not impressed with those two “old guys” joing the opposition, and the general jerkery continued with the various preparations for battle.

We ggot our gear together, then lead the Juniors off to our end of the field. Once there, we’d laid it out for the young guys…Look, we’re old, but we know how to play this game. If you want to shut those guys up, listen to us…let us lead you, do the things we ask. Some of the kids were skeptical…these were teenagers after all, and we were both over 30 at the time…but they decided to give it a try. First game was a massacre. Those kids followed orders like a well oiled machine, and we captured the flag without losing a man. Second verse, same as the first. Repeat over and over ad nauseum. The senior class never won a single game. Finally, at the end of the day, the final game was to be on a special area of the field, which featured a fortified hill that had never, in the history of the field, been taken by the attacking team. The Seniors were given the defensive position. They dug in, determined to win back some small measure of their shattered pride. Didn’t work out that way for them. My buddy took the main force in a frontal assault, while I took a small “commando team” on a circular route for a surprise assault from the rear. The battle gets hot and heavy. My buddy is pushing hard up the middle, but he’s taking casualties. The seniors start back with the taunting stuff again. About that time, I popped a smoke grenade to signal we were in position. Buddy’s remaining guys charged the hill, my guys game blasting over the ridge, and we swept the hilltop clean with glorious carnage.

I hear they still talk about that day down at the paintball field. We called the event “The Slaying of the Baptists”. Those seniors learned a lesson in humililty, the juniors had a taste of glory…and two aging warriors still chuckle about it around campfires.

Said all that to say this…Leadership is a good thing. But, you’ve got to do it the right way. There’s no need to be a jerk over a game. Had the young guys wanted to do their own thing, that would’ve been fine with us. We would’ve still played with them, and worked as a two man fire team to support whatever they wanted to do. Instead, they seized the opportunity we offered, and it worked out well for everybody…well, except the other team. :smiley:

20

IIRC the OP is female.