I have a niece and two nephews and I enjoyed being with them when they were growing up. But the best part of being an uncle is that I could play with them and then leave their house and not worry too much about them. In a way I’ve been lucky because they haven’t done that well financially and my brother-in-law is worried sick about them.
Why? Is there a reason you suspect that more than a tiny number really do feel this way?
I’m not suggesting there’s anything wrong with such a sentiment–and as pointed out by others there’s an ebb and flow as well as different circumstances which could make having kids harder/less rewarding–but perhaps tis feeling is simply not commonly held by parents.
It’s like this… You have kids and they become an integral part of your life and you can’t picture your life without them. But there was a period in your life before kids and you can still remember how it was before you were a parent. You don’t have kids and you see your neighbours and family members who have families and you think you can imagine how it would be to have kids of your own, but it’s not quite the same.
But I agree that life can be quite satisfying with our without kids.
My sister and her husband were married for a long time, and they really struggled with whether or not to have a child. In the end they decided not to miss the opportunity, she got pregnant, and they had a baby boy (he’s 11 now). It’s clear that they love him, but it’s also clear they wish they didn’t have him. They are people who are very focused on their careers, and also really love spending time alone. Whenever we spend time with them, one day my BIL will take the day off to do something by himself, then the next day my sister will take the whole day off to do something by herself, then the next day they’ll leave the boy with us to spend some ‘couple time’ together. Basically they do things together as a whole family very rarely. And they ask me to have the boy stay with me during spring break, summer vacations etc. I have 4 kids and they all love having their cousin visit, so it’s fine with me.
They don’t neglect or harm him. They love and care for him. But I think it’s obvious they would have been happier without children.
Okay, so you do have some experience with them - that’s good. You can probably extrapolate, as it appears that you have to some extent. Now, you probably aren’t as worried sick about your brother-in-laws kids as he is, but you are still emotionally impacted by their troubles, correct?
My kids are gone, and on their own payrolls, so you eventually have the enjoyment of kids from a distance as well as a life without them. And eventually you have grandkids which are even more fun.
Welcome to the SDMB, colander. You’ve been posting for awhile, so you should be aware, by now, that insults aren’t allowed in this forum. That includes subtle jabs like the ones above. If you have any problems with any posters, please take it to the BBQ Pit…but stop posting like this to other members in other forums on here.
Just a note, not a warning.
My wife and I were married 7 years before she got off the pill and we even considered having kids. That said, during that 7 years, we had a pretty good idea what worked and what didn’t within the marital unit. We decided to let nature take it’s course, but no fertility treatments.
As it turns out it wasn’t in the cards physically, but after living and learning thruout that 1st 7 years, kids probably were not going to be a wise option. It would have demanded far more than we were willing to give. If we would have had kids, we would have dealt with it, but we wouldn’t have the relationship that we have now. There is no way to prove it, but I don’t think we would get along as well as we do, and I would have missed that.
Married 22+ years, never wanted or intended to have kids and never did. I like to think that I’m living the life I would have wished I’d chosen if I had ended up having kids. In other words, I’m in my own alternative universe and loving it.
Childhood was chaotic and disempowering enough. I like having control of my own time and resources. I’m happy for my friends who have kids and enjoy them, but raising a child is not for me.
Well, yeah, because it’s not something most people would admit even if they did feel that way. I think there are a lot more people with mixed feelings about having had children than would ever admit it.
I was still in HS when I had my kid so I have zero experience with being a childless adult, so I have no basis for comparison and never think back wistfully on my childfree life. I have no idea where I’d be if I hadn’t had a kid. But take a person who was happily childless for many adult years and then has a kid? I think a fair number would have some regrets, but it’s just taboo to say. I don’t think most people regret it overall, but I don’t think it’s super rare either.
Hmm, I assume that people would not want to express regrets to their kids (though in my public defender days I came across abusive parents who did tell their kidsand the world that having them had runined their lives and other lovely sentiments, but that’s something else alltogether I think).
I don’t know why they would not want to express such thoughts to others, though. Certainly I’d think that folks who felt that way would say so on the internet, if they really did.
I mean, what advantage would I gain on an anonymous board by saying that I was glad I’d had children, if I wasn’t?
I am fairly convinced that my mother never wanted to have kids of her own. She was a teacher so she loves kids in general but she makes no distinction between all younger people and us and never has. We were always something she just had to deal with in the fastest way possible so that she could advance career in speaking and writing books (oddly enough on child nurturing and education.) When my parents got divorced, she remarried again way too quickly for my taste and she still can’t understand why I make the distinction between my biological brothers and the sons of the person she likes to sleep with. It is completely different viewpoint from me.
I tried to call her on it a couple of weeks ago again. Her defense (I am the oldest) was that she always wanted kids but was convinced she was infertile so she stopped taking birth control. Five months into the resulting pregnancy, the family doctor finally just told her to stop doing what she was doing because she was pregnant with me. She didn’t believe at first but came to embrace the idea. Somehow that was supposed to make me feel better. I never heard that version before and she thinks it is normal.
I already lost one child and I don’t plan to do anything less than a great job on the other two. Everyone else can go hell when it comes to that and I mean it. Being a good father means everything to me to correct both my own mistakes and those who came before me.
I’m starting to understand you a little bit better now. Jesus Christ that^^ is horrible.