I've had enough. I pit my life. (LONG)

Anyone who knows me personally might not want to read this. I don’t want to upset anyone.

Things used to be great for us. We had money, direction and happiness. Things were fine until I agreed to let my MIL take us in when our daughter was born. Why? Well, we were young and unsure of what we were going to do as parents. Everyone told me not to do it, but I didn’t listen. I told everyone that it was only temporary. My family begged me to find a different place to live, but I just brushed off those suggestions by assuring them that we wouldn’t be here more than a year and that our daughter would never remember living here. We needed to “get on our feet” and start planning for our daughters life. THAT WAS SEVEN FUCKING YEARS AGO. We’re still here.
Our homelife is a nightmare. We live with Harboralpha’s mother, brother and sister. That’s six of us in a TINY house. The worst part is that Harboralpha, myself, sister and brother are ALL ADULTS. None of us should be here. In the time I’ve been here, I’ve watched opportunity for the life I want come close and then drift away. It’s to the point where I’m afraid that I’ll never accomplish the things I need to do. With the savings accounts always running dry, the cars breaking, and jobs all seasonal, I’m so scared I’ll be here for the rest of my life.
As for the house, Harboralpha’s mother is evil. This house is a pit. The woman has allowed cats to live here for as long as I’ve known her. Not just a cat or two, I mean as many as thirteen at a time. Tons of cats and a dog she seems to hate. Why else would she never spend time with it? Why else would she put it outside than have to deal with it whining to be petted? It’s enough to make me sick. She treats her dog like an annoyance and burden rather than a friend and companion. She also never washes dishes. This morning, I found a glass of milk pushed towards the back of the kitchen counter. When I picked it up, I realized it had gone solid. This is typical for this household. Dishes aren’t washed daily, more like weekly. Paper plates are sometimes purchased instead of washing real plates. Litter boxes do not get cleaned. It’s really sickening sometimes. When litter boxes aren’t cleaned, cats get upset and stop using the box. This results in piles of shit in front of the front door on a DAILY BASIS- and she doesn’t clean them up. Vacuuming is a foreign concept to her. Pet hair is EVERYWHERE. As for Harboralpha, myself and our daughter, we keep our rooms clean and clean up our messes, but can’t be expected to clean up after everyone else all the time. Six people can make a HUGE mess in one day.
We can’t discuss this with her. She turns it all around into how because we live here, we should be taking care of it. Fine. Dishes I can do, vacuuming (by the way, we had to buy a vacuum because she no longer owns one) is fine, but I draw the line at taking care of someone else’s pets as if they were my own. I can’t do it. These animals are a result of her laziness and refusal to spay her previous cat. I have no emotional attachment to them. I pet them, make sure they have food and water and play with them occasionally, but they ARE NOT MY ANIMALS. I can’t take responsibility for them. My own cat lives in our part of the house ONLY. He has his own food, water and litter box. These are all cared for. She can barely keep her cats fed. Sometimes she runs out of cat food and just doesn’t feed them. She expects them to wait until the following night when she returns from work. I usually end up feeding them from my cat’s food supply.
In the beginning, I rationalized living in this place by assuring myself that my daughter would never remember this time in our lives, but I can’t tell myself that anymore. She’s now seven, and fully aware that we don’t live like other people. My daughter is not allowed to have friends over due to the state of our house. She doesn’t understand that, and thinks it’s somehow her fault and that she can fix things by cleaning her room. I can’t stand to see my daughter living like this. It makes me sick. Even now, as I type this, I’m starting to cry. I hate this so much. I live in fear that my daughter will be taken away from me because of this house. I’ve got to get us out of here.
Everytime we get money in our saving’s account that starts building up to a fine downpayment for a house, disaster strikes. We’ve had to pay over $800 dollars for my car’s repairs on THREE seperate occasions, not to mention various car repairs on Harboralpha’s truck. Job layoffs are big up here, this being a resort town, so jobs sometimes are fleeting. Harboralpha and I have both been unemployed since September, and no amount of job interviews, resumes, applications and networking seems to be changing that. Our precious savings account is almost gone now, and I don’t know what to do. I’m so fucking depressed. I’m not sure I can even afford to purchase a packet of my daughter’s school pictures.
Please don’t think I’m a bad mother. I just don’t know what to do. We need jobs so bad, but can’t seem to find any. It’s horrible. It’s humiliating. I just want a good life for my daughter, and I’m not so sure I can ever give her one.

I wish I could offer some words to provide some comfort, but words probably won’t help. All I can say is I hope things get better soon. You have best wishes from me, if I was the type to pray I would say you will be in my prayers. :frowning:

So sorry.

I don’t know how you will do it, but I think I know what you must do. Put together an exit strategy and get out! From what you describe, the environment sounds overwhelmingly toxic. Frankly, many homeless shelters sound heavenly compared to your situation.

Give your nearest Salvation Army office a call, and ask what sort of help they can provide. I worked in their “Healthcare for the Homeless” clinic in the past, and they do have programs available. Whether you will qualify I cannot say, but they can probably give you good info.

Is moving in with your family out of the question?

I really feel for you and wish I could help you in some way.

The only person I think we could live with is my mother, but I feel so much guilt at the idea of doing that. My mother has a lot going on in her life right now. I don’t want to add to that with three new people in her small house. It’s not out of the question, though. The main problem is that my mother lives at least 20 miles from the city. It will be a hell of a commute to go to job interviews etc, but it could be worth it. . .
I’m sorry about the long post earlier, it’s just that I’m getting desperate. I’m so scared, and I don’t know what I’m going to do. It helps me to get it all out.

I’m in Texas.

You should check out your area Department of Health and Human Services. They have alot to offer.

My neighbor lost his job, his wife’s income wouldn’t cover the expenses, their car broke down, they lost their insurance, were three months behind on the rent, the in-laws were providing food and emergency cash (and you know how when you are poor everything is an emergency). DHHS got them a Lone Star Card for food, insurance coverage for the kids, and gave them a $1000.00 and some other stuff too. I found out about all the services for them on line and encouraged them to go.

They didn’t want to ‘go there’ but wound up getting about $2000.00 worth of benefits the first month. They did have to move, though. It took a while but they are back on their feet now.

It’s hard to dig yourself out of these kinds of holes, but you are a smart woman and can develop a plan to run your own life. You will be happier for it!

It’s better to talk about it here than to keep it bottled up. My first move would be to call every possible government source of assistance. Even if one office cannot help you, they might know the right one to call.

Then I would call churches asking for help in getting a place to stay. You really must get your daughter out of there even if your family has to rent a two room apartment.

You don’t give yourself a lot of room to complain about someone else’s living habits when they are giving you shelter – although I can certainly understand why you would.

A 20 mile commute for interviews is a small price to pay to get your child out of this filthy, unhealthy environment. Don’t take any chances on losing her for even a short time.

I hope you get out soon! I’ve no real advice to give, only warm wishes and prayers that you get a break for once and can leave. You’re not a bad mother.

The problem with change is that it invariably involves a financial hit. And it sounds like it’s depressing enough without adding to the load.

But you should move. And if you can’t do it this week, then your first priority should be to put together a plan with whatever assistance you need so that you can mark the moving date on your calendar.

Others are better able to tell you about support services in your area. But I second the idea of investigating government support services, private organisations and churches. Just doing something will help you feel whole lot better.

My thoughts. Keep us updated on how you go.
J.

Alias Yahoo message for you :slight_smile: