Jack Chick and Silent Bob Strike Back

The BBQ Pit
#1

The Nervous Witch.

Holly: “God is love, and he loves us witches!”
Our Stalwart Hero: “No, you lose!”

Thanks for the clarification. God == hate. Check.

Our Stalwart Hero: “Tell me, Samantha … how did you and Holly get into the craft?”
Samantha: “Through the Harry Potter books!”

Gotcha. Children’s books of fantasy == bad. I’ll jus’ extrapolate that to Narnia and Middle-Earth as well … ok, CS Lewis and Tolkien are the work of the devil. We’ll just ignore their religious backgrounds, then.

Our Stalwart Hero: “Samatha, the Potter books open a doorway that will put untold millions of kids into hell.”
Samantha: "Uncle Bob, you don’t know the half of it … Holly’s dad is a preacher … and he likes the Harry Potter stories. Hey … what about all the occultic junk in my room? Should I destroy it?
Our Stalwart Hero: “Absolutely!”

lno: “I’ve got some gasoline and my Hitler Youth armband. Bookburning, here we come!”

Our Stalwart Hero: “Samantha, you need a Bible to read every day … a King James Bible. It’s the only English version Satan hasn’t messed with.”

Except for the misprint in the 1631 version (“the Wicked Bible”) which had Exodus 20:14 reading as “Thou shalt commit adultery”. So … Chickie boy … help me out here. Hand of God, sure, KJV version unadulterated by Satan, sure … but what if my copy tells me to commit adultery? I … I GUESS it’s okay … I mean, you TOLD me the KJV was perfect …

#2

What the FUCK?

Someone posted a site (or maybe it was over at Snopes), about a guy who tried to see if the Harry Potter spells would work.

#3

You bastard! You vicious, heartless, bastard! NOOOOOOOO!!!

I SO CALLED IT!

Chicka Does Wicca[sup]TM[/sup] was supposed to be my thread! I made an invite post and everything! My dreams! My hopes! Everything that thread could have been…

I even corresponded with a Jack Chick lackey to get the information required to call this thread, did you show that kind of dedication? I think not. I suspect you would not have communicated with a Chicklet for all the communion wafers in Rome. Would you? Would you!!??

Bastard.

LC

#4

You are now even more of a bastard, because I just realized that I could have made that thread my 666th post! Ohhhh, you fiend!

Well, that aside I did enjoy this one. Uncle Bob is showing up more and more- see that thread I linked to in my last post, as well as “The Last Judge”, which just came out.

That one is right here http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/5011/5011_01.asp
Unintentional Humor At First Glance:

(When God is no longer speaking to the King, but he is speaking to a kid)

Kid: “God’s mad at you, and he’s going to judge you and your children forever!”

King: “sigh… it is the lord!”
In other words: “Hmm, pissed off, gonna bring harm to me and all of my offspring, eh? Well that does sound like God!”

Hehe

LC

#5

You fool! Didn’t you know Tolkien was a Satanic Mary-worshipping Papist?! He ate Death Cookies! Of course he was in league with the witches and pagans!

[sub]lno, I always look forward to your Pit threads. You rock.[/sub]

#6

I’m really wondering about this one . . .

Now, Saul and his sons dying, sure. But where did he get that part? Inference? I’m not sure the Bible specifically mentions anyone in hell.

#7

Damn that’s funny. Now where’s that Chick parody site when I need it?

#8

No, no, he worshipped Semiramis in the guise of Mary! Chick said so, so it has to be true! Why do you think all the cites in his tracts come from Chick Publications? :rolleyes: :wink:

BTW, I’m rather disappointed in the lack of HAW HAW HAWing in this tract. And how do you pronounce that @#$% thing the witch in the tract kept saying? Is it some kind of witch byword, or what? :stuck_out_tongue:

#9

YAAAAH!
NOO!

#10

Ok let me get this straight. Christians have power over spirits that they derive from Christ. More over Christians have a foreign spirit in them, the Holy Ghost. Also Christians can use that power over spirits to drive out demons from people, causing them to accept Jesus and radically change their personality.

That sounds an awful lot like what Jack is accusing the Satanists of being able to do.

#11

… did I miss the tarot cards and ouija boards in the Harry Potter books? Or was that in Harry Potter and Miss Cleo’s Revenge?

And did anyone else how much the Witch of Endor looks like a muppet?

(Frighteningly enough, this piece of dreck contains a nugget of truth: “Take back your curse. It can’t hurt me, but it’ll come back on you with a vengeance.” Naughty naughty, invoking the Wiccan Rede, Chick)

#12

sigh It’s been a longer day than I thought. Threefold Law, not Wiccan Rede. And this on Beltane, too. Bad Pagan, no Great Rite!

#13

My favorite line: “Samantha, you’ll need a Bible to read every day…a King James Bible. It’s the only English version Satan hasn’t messed with.”

It’s like some bizarre Christian version of product placement. I was worried about ol’ Jack for a while there, but this proves he still has it. 8.7/10

#14

Actually, looking at it again, why the FUCK didn’t he cast out Holly’s demon too? I’m telling you, these don’t even make as much sense as the used to.

#15

Dragonblink, that was the funniest thing I’ve read all day.

And “God is Hate” is Jack Chick’s whole message. It was obvious WAY before this.

#16

I always thought his message was God is the scary kind of love. You know OJ’s love for Nicole kind of love. The “If you won’t love me you must suffer.” kind of love.

#17

Damn. I thought I was gonna see Jack Chick baked off his ass and trying to score with some schweet witch babes.

Jack: “Hey, baby, wanna see my death cookies?”
Bob rolls his eyes.
Witch: “Back off, pervert!”
Jack: “Come worship at my temple, baby! I’ll get them demons right outta ya…”
WHACK!
Jack: “MY COOKIES!”
Jack rolls around in pain. The witch walks off. Bob goes for ice.

(I know this isn’t realistic. A witch would only have to show Jack some shiny things to get him to leave her alone.)

:smiley:

(I don’t know why Jack ended up talking like Johnny Bravo. It’s just funnier that way, I guess.)

#18

My favorite line…

SAUL: “Seek me a woman that hath a familiar spirit… that I may go to her, and inquire of her.”
SERVANT: “Behold, there is a woman that hath a familiar spirit at Endor.”

See that? ENDOR! And who was the only woman at Endor? That’s right, Princess Leia Organa!

There it is, ladies and gentlement, undeniable proof that Star Wars is God’s own work. Jack Chick, apparently, is a Jedi Master, trying to turn us all from the Dark Side.

#19

Yes. Consider - when Holly wants to take Uncle Bob down, what is she going to use? Yes, a powerful love spell!

I tell you, that Harry Potter poster casts style upon their dark coven.

Also, Jack’s gone wussy. We don’t even see Holly being thrown into fire by an angel.

#20

Damn you SPOOFE, I was gonna make an Endor joke.