-sprayed air freshener before realizing the nozzle was backwards
-summoned to jury duty same day as his wedding
Can’t find the corkscrew.
Doesn’t know one simple trick.
-While in international waters, he witnessed a very close relative torture and brutally murder another man for no apparent reason other than to satisfy a sadistic urge; doesn’t know which law enforcement agency to contact.
- Just remembered the library closes at five on Wednesdays and has several books that were due back today.
-prepaid at the gas station, drove off without pumping the gas
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Wants to mentor a young protege, but he wants to quit the thug life and be a lawyer instead
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Has a deathly fear of cats, but has to pretend like he doesn’t to maintain his image; his niece comes over with her new kitty and he’s all out of xanax
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Has a sneaky suspicion that his friends only invite him over to their parties because of Beyonce
Somehow got on Suge Knight’s hit list – doesn’t expect to last the weekend.
It’s October 1st and he doesn’t have any chipped credit cards!
-Allergies been fucking with him
- Wants to turn and look at all the emergency vehicles screaming past, afraid he’ll look like a dork.
Wants to show off his rebuilt clock, but fears arrest by police.
Afterbuying a purebred kennel for greyhounds, it turns out a bitch IS one of his problems.
- Bae’s walking around the house with paint swatches. Again.
Upgraded to Windows 10, now Audacity won’t run.
*99 problems with J on the wall. 99 problems with J.
Take one down and pass it around, 98 problems with J on the wall.
98 problems with J on the wall. 98 problems with J.
Take one down and pass it around, 97 problems with J on the wall.*
Repeat until all are passed. Out.
Hey, it’s October 1st in Oregon. We need a song. 
-went to friend’s house and the dog won’t stop sniffing his crotch
-paradigm as para-diggum
Bought a Volkswagen “Clean Diesel” to give himself some green cred. Now he feels like a sucka every time he looks at it in the driveway.
Upset that President Obama gave a shout out to Kanye West insead of him, evn though the shout out was “You’re a jackass”.
“No, dammit, my last name is Carter. I am not Mr Knowles.”
Slowing growth and international monetary policy are both putting upward pressure on the dollar, pointing to low inflation. On the other hand, market liquidity goes down toward the end of the year, so if he’s going to hike the federal rate, he’s got to do it now, or wait until 2016 Q1.