I just spent the weekend with a bunch of my friends, and I realized some things that kinda irked me. I’m one of those classical unattractive intellectuals with a lot of shyness issues, so I was usually the ‘quiet’ one durring most of the time. I hung out with the whole crowd, and ended up crashing at someone else’s house. That’s when the real problem began.
I realized that two of my friends were heavilly flirting with each other. I didn’t feel uncomfortable with them doing so- nothing wrong with flirting. But I started feeling very annoyed and short-tempered. It wasn’t until later that I realized what the deal was internally. Y’see, I watched the ease at which these people related to each other, and I was becomming jelous as hell. I haven’t had any sort of skill with the opposite sex since I was in high school, and my innate shyness -really- doesn’t help. To make matters worse, I have something of a rep of being a cold fish when it comes to matters of romance. I really -want- to be able to flirt, but I just -can’t-. I don’t know how to explain it better than that. It’s a combination of momentum, lack of know how, and lack of confidence (this last part being the hardest). It tore me up to be angry at friends because of abilities I lacked, especially as they were really only having a good time and obviously weren’t trying to annoy me in any way. (sigh) this just became incoherent babbling, didn’t it?
So anyone else have similar experiences? Or (pleeeeease!) advice?
Maybe you could ask your friends for advice? They seem to have it down pat. See, for me flirting changes a lot based on the circumstances. I’m going to approach a guy differently depending on whether I’m flirting for harmless fun, to let him know I’m seriously interested or in a cruising/pickup situation. Learnign to flirt by internet is extremely difficult but I bet your friends would be able to give you some pointers.
Being a bartender who used to be very shy, I can relate to this question…but the cure is simple.
Talk to everyone, ArrMatey. Don’t just talk to girls you might want to hit on, or just talk to your friends. Talk to everyone. All the time. Smile at the girl in the check-out stand; make small talk with the people in line behind you. Imagine that you’re running for office when you leave your house every day; make an effort to make a good impression–or just an impression–on everyone you meet.
Shyness is rooted in heavy insecurity and an innate overestimation of how much people care. People who are very shy have a tendency to think that everyone is constantly watching and judging them…but it isn’t true. Most people are so wrapped up in themselves and their own insecurities that they aren’t thinking about or noticing yours.
So the trick is to go out every day and remember that no one’s looking. Talk to people when it doesn’t matter to you what they think; talk to the guy at the deli, or the old lady at the post office. You play like you practice; if you don’t practice your social skills when they don’t really count, they’re gonna fail you when you run into that hot girl.
Trust me. The only way to get over this is to talk to everybody and somebody every day, until you get over the fact that you’re attracting attention to yourself. This will give you the confidence to flirt with a girl without losing your focus or feeling stupid.
Remember: no one is looking at you as hard as you are looking at yourself.
Wow. I think that’s good advice for anyone. I was going to say something, but what Audrey Levins posted made me forget it. (which is probably for the better)
I’m taking this advice to heart, even though it wasn’t directed at me
Well Audrey really laid it down, but I did want to add one more thing. The fact that you were able to recognize WHY you were having a negative reaction to your friends (jealousy) is HUGE! That means that you have the ability to look at your own actions and/or reactions and learn from them. Not only is this a important part of being a good person, I would say most women find it very attractive. Who do you want to date, the guy who learns from his faults/mistakes or the one who denies they exist? It is the only thing I have going for me, I am more of a pseudo-intellectual, but I am definitely unattractive. Good luck, and seriously, talk, talk, talk, you have nothing to lose but your pants.
Okay. Part one has been analyzed, and good advice has been given. Thank you all, -especially- Audrey. (I bartended for a few months, too. Weird, huh?) Now’s the part two- I’m talking with the two people again (via AIM), and they’re still kinda flirt-y. Again, I know it’s my own anger that is the problem, not their flirting. But how do I deal with my anger in the short-term? I don’t want to avoid them, I don’t want to tell them to cut it out… But I don’t know what else to do. Help again, please?
Thanks for the kudos, everyone. I speak from painful experience.
ArrMatey, first of all, I think it’s kind of rude for two people to flirt in front of a third party in an AIM convo, b/c it leaves you kind of a third wheel. What are you supposed to say? “Er…yeah! What he said!” So you may be right to feel annoyed. I’d be rather irritated…and if they kept it up, I’d politely and humorously sign off, saying something like, “Well, I’ll leave you guys to it!”
And as far as dealing with your anger goes…just remind yourself that, while they’re being a bit rude and thoughtless, you’re just as capable of flirting/fun interaction as they are. You just need a bit more practice. I think you’re taking it personally, b/c you feel their flirting is a reminder that you aren’t flirting, too, or that you can’t, or that you suck, or whatever. Stop thinking that. It’s like looking through magazines all day and thinking to yourself, “Damn, I’ll never be that hot/sexy/good-looking,” rather than thinking of ways to improve yourself. Everybody thinks that most people are better at x than they are; this can become a self-fulfilling prophecy unless you promise yourself to improve, and stop overanalyzing other people’s skills and start working on your own.
Consider radical honest. Tell them what happened, and how you felt about it. Phrase it in a way that doesn’t blame them, but rather just make it a story about how you feel.
You might be very suprised at how well people will react to honesty like that.
If you keep it bottled up, it will just rattle around your head forever. Get it out. Tell them what you told us. It could be that simple.
I speak from painful experience.