I have a boring social problem, but I don’t know what to do about it. I am petrified of men I am attracted to,* especially* the ones that are obviously probably attracted to me. I am almost 90% sure I am not misreading other peoples’ signals, because I have very low self-esteem and will only assume a guy likes me if he all but tattoos it on his forehead. But anytime I am alone with someone for whom I feel a mutual attraction, I panic, clam up, and dart for the nearest exit. Just about every guy I have ever liked assumed that I really, really hated him. I know because many have told me as much, usually ages after the whole mutual-crush situation dissipated/became moot due to another girl/whatever.
So I apologize for the lame, dull, overdone nature of this post. But I really do want advice on how to ease myself into learning to flirt with someone I actually find attractive. I do it all the time with other folks, and they generally seem to find me to be a quite serviceable flirt. I just don’t know how to do it with someone who impresses me.
Again, I am sure this is most likely a done-to-death topic–please don’t harangue me too much for being redundant. My ego is a wee little hummingbird egg.
I don’t condone alcoholism or suggest that people drink to cope with problems, but really one or two drinks might really help to loosen you up at those special times. Have you tried that?
When I drink, my standards drop faster than my courage rises. I believe the term is ‘beer-goggles’. You know, I really have no idea what sort of advice I am excepting here that I haven’t heard before. I’m feeling kind of silly for posting. So maybe I will shift the orientation of the thread a bit, according to your advice: I have noticed that different substances affect my flirtation drive quite differently. Pot, for example-or the legal synthetic stuff which is of course all I have ever used-tends to turn off my attraction to others-I become indifferent and even vaguely disgusted by the object of my previous affection. I wonder if that’s an abnormal reaction?
Don’t back off your question, you might be surprised how original some of the advice might be.
First of all, when you say “when you drink,” how much drinking are we talking about?
Secondly, one way to deal with your specific problem here (which isn’t that uncommon) is to practice flirting situations through arranged dates, singles events, and the like, where you’re paired up with single men you haven’t met before - and might not necessarily be especially attracted to - and then have to go through the small talk / flirting / dating motions with.
Getting set up on coffee dates by friends is one option; you might be surprised how many people will jump up to set you up if you express an honest, sincere desire to meet nice men. Internet dating is another. Still another, which might help you more, is a speed dating event. Meet ten guys in 60 minutes; you won’t feel bad bailing after five or six minutes because it’s supposed to work that way, you aren’t with any guy very long, and since you’re meeting guys you’ve never met before there’s little to lose.
You might not like any of the specific solutions, but the general idea is **low-risk encounters that allow you to practice flirting. ** As with so many things, practice is critically important in this sort of thing. Flubbing some speed dates while getting your act together is better than flubbing an encounter with someone you actually want to go out with.
I feel like I was once like you, when I was younger. I didn’t actually like that many specific guys, but the idea of going on a one-on-one date turned my stomach, and had that schoolyard syndrome where I was quite nasty to boys I liked.
You’re already flirting with people you’re not attracted to, which is good because it means you’ve got it in you. So my advice is to take the prick off a pedestal. If you see a guy you like (I’m not sure how well you know these men you are into), pretend he’s gay or going out with a good friend of yours and you will only ever be platonic friends. If your ego is easily bruised, you are probably just afraid of failing with someone you realy care about (versus someone you’d never consider). Try treating him like someone you’ll never have – in the nicest, flirtiest way –and maybe you’ll forget to be nervous. Note this probably works better at a dinner party or somewhere else with mutual friends.
Consider whether there is some unresolved trauma in your background driving your reactions. I’m not asking you to reveal anything private here, just suggesting a possibility for you to think about.
I wonder if this is an example of the androphobia and misandry that are becoming so prevalent these days? Every man a rapist / child molester / whatever?
Perhaps the OP would feel more comfortable dating in a group situation? Go on a double-date?
Whoa. I wouldn’t imagine the shitstorm if a man had written “take the cunt off a pedestal” :rolleyes:. But when a woman sez it, I guess it’s all empowering and stuff.
When I met my girlfriend of five months, I found her so so beautiful that I immediately gave up on the idea of getting together with her. Ironically, that (and some cocktails) probably helped me to be easy-going enough to be quite attractive to her, thank goodness.
You do realize it’s a take on the term “take the pussy off the pedestal,” don’t you? I don’t think there’s any reason to freak out about it unless it’s implying that you should treat women or men like shit–and that’s clearly not the case here. Some men DO need to take the pussy off the pedestal and there’s nothing wrong with saying that. Women are just human beings, as are men, and idolizing and creating unrealistic expectations about your romantic partners is never going to be good, no matter the gender.
As it turns out, you would imagine it. Did, in fact.
Your brain has an unreasonable emotional reaction to an unknown event. It is convinced that the event will be horrible and traumatic, and the way you deal with that stress is to escape. Unfortunately, by escaping you only confirm to your brain that the best way to deal with the anxiety is to escape.
IMHO, the only way to treat this is exposure. Let yourself get kissed, don’t let your brain find any way to rationalize why it doesn’t “count.” You and I both know that nothing bad will happen, and after enough practice your brain will be convinced, too.
Try to do something which you feel comfortable with, together at first. Then you don’t have to focus on the crush aspect, and you can be yourself.
I used to be the same way with my ex. It was only when I was forced to have some long boring technical discussions with her, that I could open up.
Wow. You have all given me so much too consider. Thank you all, sincerely, for your advice.
Drinking–I only get really uninhibited if I drink a LOT. If I just have three or four drinks, I’ll go hit on someone that looks bored and unthreatening-i.e., someone who would be unlikely to turn down a conversation.
As for the ‘trauma’ thing, I am not too shy to admit to being quite the undesired, geeky girl for most of my formative years. It took about five or six years after graduating high school for me to finally begin to believe men when they told me they really liked me and weren’t just pulling my leg for a laugh. So yes, my brain is going on auto-pilot protection mode, and I know on a more intellectual level that the instinct to flee is unnecessary and self-defeating.
Speed-dating does sound like a good idea, but I have the same hang-up with it that I have with masturbation: I’ve stigmatized it as something that only unattractive, pathetic girls resort to, even though I know that that isn’t true of either activity. If I did it (speed dating-but really either activity), I would want to be somewhere where I could be certain no one I knew would see me.
It does feel sort of like that schoolyard ‘ew, mushy stuff, gross’ feeling from childhood. Further support for the theory that I am reliving earlier social traumas.
Quartz–interesting point. I have never been raped but sometimes it seems like every girl I know has. I definitely have some knee-jerk, reactionary, anti-male feelings. (There really ought to be a word for the opposite of misogyny!
Thanks again, everyone, for taking the time to consider my little problem. I am planning to go forth and wink at pretty boys. Well, metaphorically. Winking is dorky.
Even your thread title reflects you being overly self-conscious and having low self esteem. To quote Troy McClure “Get confident, stupid!”. Work on getting some self esteem and stop analyzing every little thing you do.
Second, I recommend pretending to yourself that you already have a boyfriend. During my last relationship I noticed that since I wasn’t worried about picking up the women I met, I was much more confident and relaxed talking to them. Instead of carefully weighing every word and gesture, I was just myself. After all, it didn’t matter if they liked me as I already had a girlfriend. I noticed that women seemed to respond much more positively than when I put huge effort into presenting myself properly. You say you can already flirt well when it doesn’t matter. So pretend to yourself that you already have a boyfriend and that what you say and do doesn’t really matter.
Just FTR, I was being somewhat facetious, as I hate the (oft-used, including on the Dope) expression ‘Take the pussy off the pedestal.’ But I do appreciate much of the sentiment behind it. It’s amazing what seeing someone else as a fallible human being right from the get go, not a god or a prize to be won, can do for a relationship.
Rethink the balance of power. You’ve got it, he doesn’t. If he’s asking you out, or otherwise arranging to be alone with you, you know he wants to fuck you. He doesn’t know if you want to fuck him. You control the situation. Assuming he’s not a jackass, you can walk away at anytime, and there’s not a damned thing he can do about it but try to figure out what went wrong for his next attempt.
I realize I’m chiming in a bit late shrug what can I say?
I was horribly, painfully shy when I was younger. Somewhere along the way, I decided I no longer would worry what anyone else thought of me. I started chatting with the people in line at the grocery store. That helped a lot.
One memorable time, I was at some get together where a gorgeous hunk of a guy was there. I decided I would not be intimidated and the hardest thing I did, was look him straight in the eyes while talking with him. I previously would just sort of glance at people when I talked to them. I still remember how awkward it felt, but he responded positively, so I figured he couldn’t tell I was nervous or that I thought he was good looking. It was just two people chatting. That was a turning point for me.
I got over being worried about it and now can talk to anyone, gorgeous men and all 
You might be nervous of being nervous. One big advantage of being a woman that you should be aware of: it’s OK for you not to be calm - in fact better than OK; the guy will be very, very grateful that he’s not the only nervous one in the room.
I used to be painfully shy around guys, too. Something that helped me was imagining that they were even more shy than I was (the few times where that was actually the case, it was totally different for me, much easier to talk and be myself).