Jerk Store moments.

Have you ever thought of “the perfect comeback” much later? And did you ever get a chance to use it?

My answer: I’ve thought of what I thought would have been the perfect comeback but the circumstances to use it never arise again.

The term I’ve always heard isL’esprit de l’escalier. It’s always nice to have a fancy french term for this sort of thing.

Somewhere - probably online - I’d read the phrase “had bitch flakes for breakfast” in reference to being a mean person. And then during one Christmas shopping expedition, I had the opportunity to use it, and it just popped out naturally:

Yes, I have.

I have no gaydar. None. It doesn’t even occur to me to wonder if there’s even the possibility that someone might be gay.

A couple years out of college, several of my friends were sharing a house in the U District in Seattle. I used to drop by fairly often, and met a lot of friends of friends. One of the guys who lived there, R, was spending quite a lot of time with another guy, W. I think the best adjective to describe W would be “flaming”. This was in the early 90’s. Remember the “Men on Film” sketches on In Living Color? W could have been in those.

I had no clue.

At some point, R and W broke up for a while, but still used to hang out. I remember R saying that this was the first time he was staying friends with someone he broke up with. This was my first clue that there was anything other than just friends going on.

I happened to mention this to someone else in the group, and word got back to W. It’s hard to overstate my utter cluelessness, and I can see the humor in it. W did too. Every now and then he’d look at me and say “I don’t know if you’ve heard, Eric, but R and I are homosexual lovers.”

And then it came to me; the reply, the ultimate and perfect reply.

I just had to wait for the setup. It took months. About a dozen of us were at brunch. Mae’s Phinney Ridge Cafe. In the spring, I think it was. W at the far end of the table, R right next to me. And then it came.

“I don’t know if you’ve heard, Eric, but R and I are homosexual lovers.”

I look at R. “Is this true?”

“Well, yeah.”

In the most lisping voice I could possibly manage,
You swore to me it was over with him, you bitch!!

It was as wonderful as I had dreamed it would be.

Wow, such an incredibly perfect comeback that it killed the thread.

Sorry 'bout that.

I’m trying to remember Sheldon from “Big Bang Theory’s” response to a guy who was mocking him - “I don’t have a comeback now, but check your emails periodically!” That sounds perfect to me. :smiley:

And for those who prefer the Teutonic, it’s Treppenwitz.

I usually at a loss for words when I need a snappy comeback but many years ago I did have one at work. I was searching a catalog for an automatic counter for a piece of equipment. My boss and a foreman (who I didn’t much like) came through my office and my boss asked me what I was looking for. I told him and the foreman snottily said, “Shit, You can get a monkey to do that” and I said:

But David, you already got a job.

This wasn’t mine, but it’s still hilarious to me. My sister was dating this guy for about a year. He started treating her worse and worse and they were at the beginning of the end. One day he left her little farm out in “the Valley” (the Matsu) and her cute little donkey got loose and chased his truck all of the way out to the main road where she finally caught up with him and the donkey (they’re VERY personable pets and really like “their” humans).

At the store at the intersection of the subdivision road and the main road he finally noticed what was going on and got out and was all upset (at the delay) “what’s she doing? why’s she chasing me?” And my sister, who was pretty fed up with all of his jerky behaviour said it just came out before she could stop it.

She replied “well, I guess she knows a jackass when she sees one”! He was not amused.

I’ve told this story here before I think, but what the hell :wink:

I used to work at a pet store. In my first few days there, my boss basically showed me around, demonstrated use of the cash register once, then handed me the keys to the place and disappeared.

One day, about a week into it, this lady comes in wearing a neck brace and bearing a coupon for a free can of cat food. By CA law I had to charge her sales tax on the cat food, seven cents. Long story short, after I explained the seven cents tax, she worked herself up into yelling at me in equal measures about being disabled and not paying sales tax on her free cat food (“I’m DISABLED! I ride a DISABILITY BUS! I’m DISABLED AND I WANT MY FREE CAT FOOD”). Meanwhile, I was trying like hell to figure out how to back it out of the register and after a few minutes of this, she picks up the can(s) of cat food and chucks them at my head before stomping out.

I dodged the cans and watched her go before turning back to the other customers who were also fairly befuddled over the whole thing. A few moments later, she comes back in the door with a neutral expression on her face and says…

“I forgot my cat food”.

To this day I wish I’d had a snappy comeback at hand.

I’ve actually used that expression more than once in real life, it’s so perfect for what it means.

Mine was in response to a cheap pickup line

The line was “let’s have breakfast tomorrow, shall I call you or just nudge you?”

Without missing a beat I said “write me”