So I went out to pick up the paper this morning, and what did I find? Well, the paper, for one thing. But next to the paper, I found something rather alarming. A lone styrafoam container, sitting on my front porch.
On further inspection, the container seemed to be holding something inside of it. I opened the lid, and what should I see before me but a slice of Oreo Cheesecake, pristine in its beauty.
A quick survey of the street in front of my house yielded no clues. There were no people in front of my house, no signs of tracks, and no indication that any of the other houses on the street had been similarly cake-ified. So, puzzled, I closed the container and walked inside, paper in hand.
I was anxious to figure out where this delicacy came from, but decided it could wait until I read the paper. I opened to the front page and what did I see, but the latest sensationalist Anthrax coverage, telling me to watch out for unmarked packages being delivered to my house.
I looked at the package on the counter. I looked at the paper. I looked at the package. Paper. Package. Paper. Hmmmmmmmm. Could it be?
Of course not, I thought, you’re being silly. What reason would terrorists have for attacking me, out of the millions of other people in America?
Then, of course, another part of my brain thought: what reason would terrorists have for NOT attacking me?
And so, I came to the conclusion that my newfound prize was actually a tool of Bin Laden’s supporters. There was no other logical explanation. (I hadn’t had my coffee yet).
I was walking to chuck the package into the trash can and call the Hazmat team when I suddenly realized that, wait a second, by throwing this delectable treat away, I was playing right into Osama’s hand. That terrorist bastard wanted me to throw away a delicious treat like Oreo Cheesecake, because to him, it wasn’t just a dessert, no. To Osama and his kin, this Cheesecake was a sugary bastion of capitalism, prosperity, and freedom itself!
Osama wanted me to throw away my cheesecake, because by doing so I would be one step closer to him and his horrible kind. If I wasted this treat, could I really call myself any better than the terrorists themselves? Of course not! But I’m still an American, a free American, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let some freakin’ cave rat cheat me out of my Oreo Cheesecake!
So I ate it.
It was good.
God Bless America.