Jester vs the Mystery Oreo Cheesecake of DOOM

So I went out to pick up the paper this morning, and what did I find? Well, the paper, for one thing. But next to the paper, I found something rather alarming. A lone styrafoam container, sitting on my front porch.

On further inspection, the container seemed to be holding something inside of it. I opened the lid, and what should I see before me but a slice of Oreo Cheesecake, pristine in its beauty.

A quick survey of the street in front of my house yielded no clues. There were no people in front of my house, no signs of tracks, and no indication that any of the other houses on the street had been similarly cake-ified. So, puzzled, I closed the container and walked inside, paper in hand.

I was anxious to figure out where this delicacy came from, but decided it could wait until I read the paper. I opened to the front page and what did I see, but the latest sensationalist Anthrax coverage, telling me to watch out for unmarked packages being delivered to my house.

I looked at the package on the counter. I looked at the paper. I looked at the package. Paper. Package. Paper. Hmmmmmmmm. Could it be?

Of course not, I thought, you’re being silly. What reason would terrorists have for attacking me, out of the millions of other people in America?
Then, of course, another part of my brain thought: what reason would terrorists have for NOT attacking me?

And so, I came to the conclusion that my newfound prize was actually a tool of Bin Laden’s supporters. There was no other logical explanation. (I hadn’t had my coffee yet).

I was walking to chuck the package into the trash can and call the Hazmat team when I suddenly realized that, wait a second, by throwing this delectable treat away, I was playing right into Osama’s hand. That terrorist bastard wanted me to throw away a delicious treat like Oreo Cheesecake, because to him, it wasn’t just a dessert, no. To Osama and his kin, this Cheesecake was a sugary bastion of capitalism, prosperity, and freedom itself!

Osama wanted me to throw away my cheesecake, because by doing so I would be one step closer to him and his horrible kind. If I wasted this treat, could I really call myself any better than the terrorists themselves? Of course not! But I’m still an American, a free American, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let some freakin’ cave rat cheat me out of my Oreo Cheesecake!

So I ate it.
It was good.
God Bless America.

You know you’re going to be dead within 72 hours, right?

Of course I gotta wander…when did you go to bed last night and how many hours was that Oreocheesecake sitting on your porch? 6,8,10,12 hours? It might not be anthrax but have you pissed off a neighbor lately? He or she might be trying for food poison. My mission in life is to spread paranoia.

That was hilarious.

I give it a 9.8!

Nobody ever leaves me cheesecake.
I’d love it if sombody left me cheesecake.
If somebody left me cheesecake, I’d eat it.
Even with Anthrax icing.
I love cheesecake.
God bless Canada too.

God help me but all I can think is

[neil diamond&barbra streisand]You don’t bring me cheesecake any moooooore[/nd&bs]

Good for you, I never find cheesecake on my doorstep.

Mmmm…cheesecake ::drool::
[sub]Bwahaha I knew he would eat it. No one can resist cheesecake. Silly boy thought it was Osama trying to kill him! He couldn’t think up an idea of this brilliancy. Oh…screw…am I typing this?[/sub]
[This has all been a figment of your imagination. Please carry on]

Jester that was very funny… i don’t think i would have even put that much thought into a yummy, mouth-watering, creamy cheesecake! drool maybe i’ll go buy one mow… its making me hungry!

“Someone left the Oreo[sup]TM[/sup] cheesecake out in the rain
I don’t think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I’ll never have that recipe again…”

Buckner, that song should be the subject of a law similar to the “A debate ends when someone introduces Nazism into the discussion.”

It was SO unfair of you to bring that up [sub]although funny, I must admit[/sub]

Jeez, some people have all the luck. Last time somebody left me a mysterious gift on my front step (a couple weeks ago,) I got a brand new windshield wiper blade, still in its original packaging. Not nearly as tasty.

Not exactly sure what to do with it, considering I don’t even have a car.

Anyone want it?

How many people walk their dogs in your area? The cake itself should be ok, but I’d wash my hands after touching the outside of the box…

Yeah, hi honey. Remember me? Your loving girlfriend who went out to dinner with a bunch of her friends to a place that has really good desserts?

Well, we decided it would be thoughtful to bring you a piece of pie since you said you were stuck at home all night working. As it happened, you WEREN’T at home.

But… being the nice girls we are, we left it on your porch, waved at your neighbor across the street who was watching us (creepy) got in my car and went joyriding.

Yes, I know that kills the mystery and I should just leave you wondering whether or not you’ve been poisoned, but heck, would you HONETLY put a poisoning past me? My shrink DID say I had the emotional stability of a homicidal maniac…

And that neighbor… HE could’ve done something after we left…

So, how are you feeling, Jesterbear? <smiles sweetly>

You want something not tasty? The last mysterious gift on the dorstep I got was a paper baggie set ablaze. I think we can all guess what was inside.

Which reminds me I need to buy new shoes…

I got a chain plant left at my apartment door once. No, really. A chain plant, like a chain letter. With instructions on how to feed it tea and sugar to make it grow, and how if I gave slices to ten people I trusted in two months I would get good luck. And stories about people who received good luck by passing along the chain plant. The instructions were in Spanish.

I have no idea what kind of plant it was - it looked more like some kind of mushroom/fungus kind of thing. No leaves, just some pinkish tissue. And it smelled like the tea the previous owner had been growing it in. Weird.


This plant wasn’t by any chance named “Audrey II” was it?

Someone needs to give me a recipe for Oreo Cheesecake. I’m serious, I need it. AND I NEED IT NOW!!!

I got a rock.

Oreo Cheesecake is easy. Use your favorite cheesecake recipe!

Buy two bags of DoubleStuff Oreos, open each and scrape the middles into a bowl. Finely crush the shells into the graham cracker crumb consistency, and add a little butter to them. Line the pan with it.

Next, take the filling, add just a dash of milk, and whip into a THICK paste. Gently fold this paste into the cheese filling, leaving streaks of the Oreo white goodness throughout.

Bake per the directions.

Jeez, that post made me think of the song “Earl” by the Dixie Chicks, where they poison the wife beater…

“Those black eyed peas, taste alright to me, Earl…”


O, you just made my day.

::Off to the kitchen::