Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter gave me a facial tic

Cafe Society
1

I just got done watching Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, and I must say that was one of the most unusual movies I have ever seen. For some reason it made these tiny muscles on the sides of my head near my eyebrows twitch, and I didn’t even know I had muscles there.

One of the strangest things about it is the contrast between the production values (which are abyssmal, it looks like it was shot on 8mm film (EDIT: it’s apparently 16mm) and the entire movie is dubbed) and the direction (which I found extremely competent). Most of the actors are pretty amateurish (though enthusiastic), the fight scenes made me laugh insanely with their cheesiness, and the special effects were very ‘special’. Yet the writing was very clever (and I admit would have been better delivered by better actors), and the directors obviously knew what they were doing and had a great eye for film - about 1/2 way through I started realizing that every shot WORKED, or would have if the movie had a budget of more than $40,000.

I honestly don’t know if this movie would be better with higher production values, but it definitely doesn’t rely on the ‘so bad it’s good’ production values for all of it’s laughs, and I think would do well as a big-budget action/comedy. Here’s how I’d cast it.

Jesus Christ - Keanu Reeves

Mary Magnum - I can’t think of anyone cuter than the girl who plays her in the original. Keep her.

Maxine Schreck - Janeane Garofalo

Johnny Golgotha - Jude Law

Father Eustace - Ice T

Santo Enmascarado de Plata - John Goodman

Dr. Praetorius - Phillip Seymour Hoffman

Miss Oddbottom - Jennifer Lopez

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Honestly, the only thing I really think would help is better film and audio quality, and better choreography. The fight scenes would have been really cool if they were done with actors/stuntmen who could perform the stunts better than a high school class project level. I really liked the guy who played Jesus, and I think replacing him would be a big mistake, even for more star power. And there’s just something that bugs me with the thought of Keanu playing Jesus (some idiot already had him play Buddha, and Neo is essentially a Christ figure, so I think he should stay clear of the deities from now on). And Santos is a rather long running hero, so I think he should stay the same as well. And I’m completely on your side with keeping Mary the same…that girl is just so damned cute it hurts.

Overall, the cast was amatuerish, but I still felt like that was part of the charm. Better equipment would make for a better film in this instance, but the story, plot, and concept are just too odd and fun to worry about getting star power involved (although having Janeane and Jude in there would actually work).

Two threads about this movie in as many days…I’m going to have to watch this again real soon.

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Yeah, Phil Caracas definitely has to stay. I can’t picture anyone else playing Jesus.

Oddly enough, the first time I saw it, I wondered what would happen if the director had access to a Hollywood level budget–he really does seem to have a great deal of talent.

Of course, with a decent budget, it’d probably turn into Chicago with lesbian vampires. :wink: