On my last day in Ottawa, I was running through the mall, spending the leftover cash and a DVD entitled “Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter” caught my eye.
What could possibly go wrong with a movie that has got Jesus AND Vampires? Well, the back of the DVD should have tipped me off that this wasn’t even B movie material. Nor C movie… I think the category went all the way to Z.
Anyway, I was probably too sober watching it - the special effects were laughable, the actors were outright horrible. Imagine Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van Damme. Now imagine actors that are about 1000 times worse and you’ve got a close idea of what JCVH was like.
The only redeeming qualities were that it was shot in Ottawa (apparently the director is some sort of independent filmer from Ottawa), so it had that recognition effect to it when Jesus was beaten up by atheists in Strathcona Park. And the female lead role was pretty, even though she was the worst actress in the whole flick. Sure you’ve got a nice smile, but that doesn’t mean you have to grin the whole time, even when you’re supposedly hunting vampires!
The other DVD that is so far removed from mainstream that it’ll never come to Germany and hence I had to buy it is “Comic Book” by Mark Hamill. I haven’t watched it yet, but I’ll brace myself when I do; some whiskey-coke should help me endure it, in case it’s another JCVH…