Jesus Christ vs Satan Cristo a' Diablo cagematch- Who wins?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Christ vs the Devil one one one. No tag teaming with Dad allowed.

Powers limited to those described in Bible

Christ: Son of God - Savior of Man
Powers: Raise the deal, heal the sick, cheek turning, mass catering

Devil: Ex-Angel - possibly most powerful being after God
Powers: Deception, trickery, flattery, shape changing, rhetorically persuasive
Without Dad stepping in I’m going to have give the Devil the edge. What can Jesus do to defend himself against a shape changing entity? If the Devil changes into a tiger it’s all over for J.C. (again), or does Jesus have other powers and abilities beyond those of ordinary men?

How do you beat the Devil?

2

Jesus and God are one substance along with the Holy Spirit.

Also Jesus is shown to be able to kick some major ass in Revalations.

3

Folding chair to the back of the head, while the Prince of Darkness is distracted by the referee…

4

Jesus can rise from the dead. The devil can’t win. Jesus will rise, no matter what the devil does to him. Unless he’s like highlander, or if he has a limited amount of lives. Also, how powerful is his healing ability, and can he use it on himself?

The devil can turn into an elephant, tiger or bear. Given infinite tries, Jesus will probably never be able to kill any of those with his bare hands. This of course assumes that the devil can transform to any animal.

So, given a liberal interpretation of powers that are implied by the Bible, but not specifically detailed, the devil kills Jesus every three days as an elephant/tiger/bear. However, the devil never gets ultimate victory. Devil fans can see him beat on Jesus repeatedly and by a huge margin, and Jesus fans have the knowledge that the devil can never win, and Jesus might eventually win on a freak chance.

If we stick to a more strict biblical intrepretation of powers, we have to ask ourselves: is the snake venomous? Also: can Jesus heal himself?

Venom:Jesus can- the devil scores many bites on Jesus, but eventually runs out of Venom. Jesus heals self, stomps on snake.

Venom:Jesus can’t - Jesus gets bitten. dies. Rises. gets bitten. dies. The devil wins.

Non-venomous:Jesus can - The devil opts to not transform into a non-venomous snake, and instead has a fistfight with Jesus. He is able to pull some WWF style trickery, but fist fights are pretty straightforward, so Jesus’s healing power gives him the victory.

Non-venomous:Jesus can’t The devil changes into a king snake. Jesus knows he isn’t faster than a snake, and knows if he gets bitten he’s dead (thinking it’s a coral snake). Jesus flags a ref, and concedes. If Jesus knows the difference between a king snake and a coral snake, or if the devil can’t turn into a king snake, then it becomes a fistfight, where both are basically mortals. The devil has an advantage in his trickery, but he has to beat Jesus twice, whereas Jesus only needs to win once. I’d still give the edge to the devil, since he has three days to rest off any damage Jesus did in the first fight.

I put way too much thought into that, didn’t I?

5

But it takes him three days to do it. He’d be counted out by then.

6

Pride and temptation, baby. Pride and temptation…
Since he’s man too, he’s under the contract of sin.

7

The Devil can just turn into a gorilla, break Jesus’ arms and legs ( and if they heal, break 'em again !! ), then torture him for as long as he likes. Basically, being unkillable just puts Jesus in the position of a damned soul; doomed to torment with no escape. The Devil may not “win”, but he won’t care - he’ll be having too much fun. :smiley:

8

Devil cuts off own finger, shape changes it into little girl, cuts of thumb changing it into couch. Places girl behind couch. Cuts off two more to create drunken, atheist man with gun and cowering wife.
Jesus forced to hug girl for ever after behind couch, not dead but contained.
Devil still has middle finger surviving, shows it to the big man then goes off for some serious whoring, drinking and general sinning.

9

If there are rounds and they drink water between rounds, Jesus can turn the water into wine after the devil drinks it and the devil will get drunk and pass out :wink:

10

To continue along the water into wine theme - Jesus turns all the water in Satan’s body into wine, Devil keels over from acute alcohol poisoning.

Point and Match

11

How about if Satan-as-tiger eats JC after killing him. Does said JC have the power to rise again from several piles of kitty-poo? Or perhaps Satan-as-dungbeetle could impose an extra level of complexity before it gets to that stage?

And just how long would it take the Son of God to transit a tiger’s digestive tract?

12

I gotta say that is one funny line.

13

If Dad did step in, they’d just play poker.
:smiley:

14

I think the only way to dispute this is see how they are portrayed on SNL.

Will Forte, playing Benny Hill playing Jesus.

v. Jon Lovitz playing Mephistopheles, the Prince of Darkness.

15

Based on the stories, I’d say Jesus would just cast the devil out of the ring and be declared the winner.

16

Jesus wins, if my knowledge of South Park is anything to go by.

Wouldn’t the Devil just bet heavily on Jesus, then hit the canvas?

17

The Devil would have much cooler theme music, thus getting more of a fan base behind him. Eventually, the fan base would be large enough that the promoters would force Jesus to take a fall to keep the ratings up.

18

Sorry, someone has to do it…

Batman would win, if he’s prepared :wink:

19

Satan would win, but only because he would talk Jesus into throwing the match.

20

The Devil would brutally defeat Jesus in a fair fight…but the latter would just be a sore loser and claim he lost on purpose for the good of everyone else. (Like on TV or in the comics where the tough guy gets an unexpected crack to the jaw, then says “I let you get that one in.”)