Joke Thread

Thought I’d start a new one. This is a little long, but as a native Oregonian, I can sympathize.

August 23rd.
Just moved to Seattle. Lovely weather, about 75 degrees, no clouds, beautiful trees and mountains especially, Mt. Rainier.

Puget Sound…how cool is that. I wonder how everything stays so green even in the summer?? People here are sure lucky to have such a beautiful outdoors to play in. Only 50 miles to the mountains and 70 to the sea. I love it here.

August 25th.
Drove out to the mountains yesterday. It took 2.5 hours just to get to the top of the pass? I wonder why traffic was so heavy? It was barely moving.

When I got to the other side it was even slower because of road construction. Sure was pretty though, another beautiful day, even though I spent the better part of it in the car. Next time I’ll make sure to leave earlier so I can miss the traffic. Also remember not to stop in North Bend for gas it took like an hour???

August 26th.
What happened to the nice weather? Gosh it’s cold! only about 54 degrees, yesterday it was 84. These clouds are very low and gray it sure looks like its going to rain.

I was going to wash the car and mow the lawn but I better not if it’s going to rain.

August 27th. Weather is the same as yesterday.

Very gray and depressing but it’s not raining so I’ll wash the car and mow the lawn today. The weather man says it’s going to be sunny tomorrow. I think I’ll play some golf.

August 28th.
Pouring down rain. Cold. Kind of pissed off because I spent 4.5 hours washing and waxing my black car because the weather man said it was going to be sunny today. Not to mention I shelled out $150.00 to play this fancy golf course and it poured down rain the whole time. Boy the weather man kind of missed that one. I’ll bet he feels dumb.

September 28th.
Geez except for those few days at the beginning of September it’s rained almost every day. Must be the rainy season in Seattle. Oh well it keeps the reservoirs full and the trees green. Looking forward to those crisp clear fall days and football season!!

October 31st.
Halloween. Cold as hell and raining. Poor kids, that’s not much fun trick or treating in that weather. All their little costumes getting ruined. The weather man said it was going to be clear and crisp for the trick or treater’s?? This guy seems to be wrong a lot in his forecasts. He’s probably not a weather man at all. His Dad must be some big wig and got him the job. I’ll going to watch another station with a real weatherman.

November 1st.
At home with my knee elevated. Doctors orders. Pulled the ligaments really bad chasing down some little bastards that smashed my pumpkins. Boy a wooden deck with Thompson’s watersealer on it is slicker than snot when it’s wet. Still raining. My knee is killing me. I can still hear those kids laughing.

November 28th.
Does it rain every freaking day here!! It sure seems like it. You wanna know cold. Try 40 degrees with rain being blown into you at 15 miles an hour. Burr!! People always talk about the beautiful mountains here. Well I haven’t seen them in at least a month. And why are people so afraid of driving in the rain!! Let’s go!!! The forecast calls for some sun though so I’ll get some yard work done this weekend.

November 30th.
Rained all weekend but now its sunny … Allright!!!.. Finally!!! Sure feels good to feel the sun on your face again. Now I remember why I like this place so much. It’s almost December and it’s 54 degrees and sunny. I think I’ll wash the car. Weatherman says this high pressure system should stay with us for a while and push this system well to the north of us.

December 1st.
Fu__ing raining again. I just washed the Fu__ing car!! What is the deal with these weathermen. They’re wrong every Fu__ing time!!! They are blaming offshore flow for kicking this system a little south and into our region. Whatever. Pardon my French but the Fu__ing Rain!!!

December 25th.
Ho! Ho! Ho! It’s Fu__ing raining again. Merry Fu__ing Christmas.

February 1st.
Ha Ha!!! It’s day 62 of constant rain. I threw my milkshake at some sonofabitch on the freeway this morning. Cut me off will you. Doubt it!! Too bad it’s raining because it cleaned the milkshake off his car. Oh well he got the message.

Can’t let people mess with you on the road. You better take your openings when you can or they will walk all over you. Why do people drive so slow in the rain!!! What are they afraid of? It rains here every day!!!, how are you supposed to enjoy the beautiful outdoors?

February 3rd. Man it’s beautiful outside. It’s like 60 degrees and sunny. Sweet weather for February. I’m just going to enjoy it. I’m not going to jinx it either by washing my car. No sir!! Boy it’s pretty here. The snow covered mountains, crystal blue water, big green trees. Think I’ll head up to the mountains.

February 4th. That was by far the worst traffic I have encountered on the pass yet. Every Idiot and grandmother was on the road yesterday. “Hey lookit’s sunny lets all get in the car…”

February 8th. Geez it’s still sunny. It feels like spring. Birds are chirping, flowers are blooming. It sure is a nice place to live. I guess it doesn’t rain that much. Gosh it’s a beautiful day, I think I’ll wash the car.

February 9th. I KNEW IF I WASHED THE CAR IT WOULD START RAINING!!! F___!!! I hate it here.

March 1st. We are having a wicked storm. 50mph winds. Trees down. Powers out. Cable is out. (why does the cable always go out when the wind blows if it is cable in the ground.) What is this day 21 or 22 of straight rain? How high are those clouds off the ground, 50 feet?!

April 1st. I guess this is the only state where no one knows the “fast lane” rule. Weather man says rain for at least the next two weeks, and he said it with a big goofy smile. That’s not funny, not funny at all.

April 12th. 84 DEGREES!!! Wow, it’s beautiful here. It was a nasty winter but spring is finally here!! If we have springs and summer like this I guess I can take a little rain in the winter. What a place!

April 30th. Eleventh straight day of rain. Cold too, about 50 degrees. I thought spring was here. That’s what you get for thinking. I would like meet up with this weather clown someday. " I like the rain" he says. Smack!!

May 20th. Big surprise!! Still raining!! How many ways do these idiot weather men have for describing rain. Showers, partial showers, slight showers, increasing showers, decreasing showers, heavy showers, light showers, partial showers with areas of heavy downfall, mild showers…yadda, yadda, yadda.

June 21. The first day of summer!!! Raining!!! 54 degrees. My car is starting to smell like mildew, it been wet for the last 6 months. I think I’m starting to get webbed feet. The commute was only 15 hours today…Joy!

Oh well I have the big Fourth of July picnic to look forward to. Some cold beers in the hot sun, can’t wait.

July 4th. Not having too much fun. I forgot my coat and am freezing my ass off. I don’t know exactly what we are experiencing here, I think it’s just plain old showers, but maybe it’s partial showers with periods of rain. No problem keeping the beer cold though. I have a project for next weekend: cleaning the beans and potato salad out of my car. I had to eat in my car because all the trees were taken and I had to get out of the rain. I hate it here.

July 28th. Cloudy and cool. But it’s not raining. Thank God it’s not hot!! Who would want it hot in the summer?? I figured out what people do here for fun. “hey honey get the kids…lets get in the car and sit in traffic!!!”

August 14th. Exchanged gunfire on the road today. He appeared prepared for gunfire but wasn’t ready for the ramming. The 750 lb. iron bar attached to the front of my Porsche looks a little weird but it works!! A little tap on these wet roads and he was in the ditch.

August 24th. Got out of jail this morning. Had to get a ride home as my license has been taken away. What’s this … sunshine … 80 degrees… guess summer i

Kat, that’s not funny…it’s true! I just moved back to California after four miserable years in Seattle. Thanks for bringing it back for me. Sometimes the grass may be greener-it’s because there’s so much F___ing rain! :wink:

“The world is not five hours old and evil has already entered it” - Aslan
The Magician’s Nephew

Its absolutely true. And I love it.

So there.

Frankie- Who came from Michigan and 5 months of freezing cold.

My brother sent me this today. (Michelle, if you’re reading this, just skip ahead to the next post.)

How to Bathe a Cat

  1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

  2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

  3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

  4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

  5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “powerwash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.

  6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

  7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

  8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The Dog

OK, mine’s more of a riddle I guess.
What is the diffrence between love, true love, and showing off ?

spit, swallow, gargle !

Ayesha - Lioness

You sound reasonable. Must be time to up my medication.

Q: Why don’t Southern Baptists make love standing up?

A: Because they’re afraid that somebody might see them and think that they’re dancing.

“Oh we were brought up on the Space-Race, now they expect us to clean toilets. When you have seen how big the world is how can you make do with this?”
Pulp, “Glory Days”

Two men were having a drink at a bar in the old west.Cowboy #1 looked outside and saw a horse. Cowboy #1 looks at Cowboy #2 and says “I’ll bet you $100 I can make that horse laugh.” Cowboy #2 agrees to the bet. Cowboy #1 goes outside and whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse starts to laugh. Cowwboy #1 goes back into the bar and sits down and has a few more drinks. Cowboy #1 looks at Cowboy #2 and says “I’ll give you a chance to win your money back. I’ll bet you $200 I can make that horse cry.” Cowboy #2 agrees to the bet. Cowboy #1 goes outside and takes the horse to the side of the building and the horse is crying. Cowboy #1 returned to the bar. Cowboy #2 paid what he owed and asked Cowboy #1 how he did it. Cowboy #1 replied “The 1st time, to make him laugh I told him my male member was bigger than his and he laughed. The 2nd time to make him cry I showed him.”… “Inspector Clay’s Dead, Murdered. And Somebody’s Responsible”-Plan 9 From Outer Space

A girl takes her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, the girl’s father starts a conversation with his future son-in-law.

Father: So what was your major in college?
Future Son-in-law: Theology, sir.
Father: How do you plan to get a high-paying job with a major like that?
FSIL: God will take care of it.
Father: Do you have a place to live once you get married?
FSIL: Not now, but God will take care of it.
Father: Do you have any money to support a family?
FSIL: I’m really not worried about any of that. God will take care of it.

[When the girl’s parents are alone that night]

Mother: So, what was he like?
Father: There was one good thing about him. He thinks I’m God.