Jokes in your profession

In My Humble Opinion
21

Here’s an old theatre joke:

A lighting designer is on stage focusing some lights. An alien that happens to be in town to conduct some experiments on the human thought process comes out onstage, and decides to test the designer. It pulls out its 1920’s style brain energy reducer, and reduces the designer’s brain power by 10%. The designer shakes for a second, then continues with focus. The alien tries again, with the same results. The alien then turns up his 1920’s style brain energy reducer, and reduces the designer to only 10% of his original function. The lighting designer stops, shakes, drools for a minute, then says, “Testing. One, Two. Test. Test. One, two…”

And here’s another one:

Why do sound guys only count to 2?

Because you have to pick something up on three.

22

Clinical microbiology’s a drag - same shit, different day.

23

How do you drive an engineer crazy?
Tie him/her to a chair, stand in front, and deliberatey fold a road map wrong.
The optimist believes the glass is half-full. The pessimist believes the glass is half-empty. The lawyer wants to know who the glass belongs to and how he can get a piece of it. The engineer knows that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. (Doubtless there are many more of these.)

24

I love music jokes, and there are probably whole threads on them.

What do you call two oboes playing in unison?
A minor second.

What’s the difference between a violin and a trampoline?
You should take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline.

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
The drummer.

And so on.

I don’t know a lot of calculus jokes, but I like the ones I do know.

int e[sup]x[/sup] = e[sup]x[/sup]+C

The “int” is an integral sign which looks sort of like the letter S. And a plus sign looks like a letter “t,” thus, the equation is pronounced “Sex is ecstasy.” And yes, I’m aware there is a “dx” missing on the left.

What is lim[sub]n->oo[/sub](sin x)/n?
The answer is of course 6, because you simply cancel the n’s and get “si x.”

25

What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

That was the one everyone told me, anyways. But I’d have been the homeless one if it wasn’t for my guitarist.

26

Some pilot jokes:

An airline pilot leaves for his 3 day trip in rather a hurry, when he gets to the aircraft he realises that he has left his brain at home.
What am I gonna do he thinks? Then he remembers the brain shop in the terminal building.

“I’d like a brain please” says the Captain.

“Certainly sir, I have two, a flight crew brain, that costs $1000 or a flight attendant brain that costs $500”

“Just out of interest why is the flight attendant brain cheaper?”

“That’s because the flight attendant brain has been used sir”

What do pilots use for contraception?

Their personalities!

What is the difference between God and a pilot?

God doesn’t think he’s a pilot!

How many pilots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just the one. He holds it in place and expects the world to revolve around HIM!

A Captain dies and ends up waiting in the welcoming reception of Hell.

The devil wanders over and says “'Allo Captain, welcome to hell. We’ve a new system of punishment running down here now - 'ave a look through those doors and tell me how you want to spend your eternity.”

Captain opens door 1 and there is a condemned pilot doing an eternity of pre-flight paperwork. Bugger that he thinks.

Captain opens door 2 and there is a another condemned pilot doing an aircraft pre-flight walk-around in 45c temperatures sweating his butt off. Bugger that he thinks.

Captain opens door 3 and there he sees a pilot in the flight deck being served by a flight attendant with and endless supply of coffee and hot meals. Captain thinks well that’s for me!

The Devil appears and says “Well Captain, what Hell have you chosen?”.

The Captain says “I’ll have door 3 thanks.”

The Devil replied “Door 3? There isn’t a door 3” and the Captain says “Yeah, this one here” pointing to the third door.

The Devil opens the door and says “Ooh, sorry that’s not for you, that’s Flight Attendant Hell”.

27

I like this one better.

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are chatting outside an empty room. They see two people walk into the room. A few minutes later, they see three people walk out.

Biologist: My God, they’ve procreated!
Physicist: No, there must be something wrong with our measurements.
Mathematician: (Thinks for a second.) If one more person walks into that room, there will be zero people inside.

28

Engineer: 2 is prime. 3 is prime. Good enough, all natural numbers greater than or equal to 2 are prime.

Mathematician: 2 is prime. 3 is prime. It is trivial to show by induction, that all natural numbers greater than or equal to 2 are prime; so it is left as an exercise to the reader.

Computer scientist: 2 is prime. 3 is prime. Integer overlow.

29

Q. How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. I can’t tell whether you mean “change a light bulb” or “have sex in a light bulb.” Can we remove the ambiguity?

Q. How many graphic designers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. See which of these you like best:
• 1. There’s no time to change the bulb, but I can make it look better.
• 2. No need, we’ll just brighten it up in Photoshop.
• 3. Does it have to be a light bulb?

Q. How many copy editors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. The last time this question was asked it involved graphic designers. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other be changed? It seems inconsistent.

Q. How many proofreaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Proofreaders aren’t supposed to change light bulbs. They should just query them.

Q. How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. But why do we have to change it?

30

“Math is to physics as masturbation is to sex.”
–Dr. Richard Feynman

Q: How many theoretical quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. One to turn the bulb, one to hold the ladder, and one to renormalize the wave function.

Heisenberg was driving down the highway whern he was pulled over by a cop. The cop asked, “Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?”
Heisenberg replied, “No, but I knew where I was.”

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.

More similar stuff here: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/2_3.html

31

The Dean is at his annual inspection of all the faculties and is bemoaning the expenses the physics faculty is running.

“Particle accelerators! Electron microscopes! Superconductors! Why couldn’t you guys be more like the math faculty? All they have is pencils, paper and a waste paper basket. Even better, why can’t you be like the philosophy department? They just need pencils and paper.”

What do you call a bench?

A swing built by a structural engineer.

32

Physicist: 2 is prime. 3 is prime. 4 is a statistical error. 5 is prime. Hence, all natural numbers greater than or equal to 2 are prime.

33

Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One hundred: One to screw it in, and 99 to say, “Pff! I could have done it better!”

Q: How many film producers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Do we really *need * a lightbulb?

34

Q: How many Union people does it take to change out a bad lamp?
A: 347… you got a #@$%in’ problem with that?

(proud IATSE member since 1998; it’s just a joke!)

Bo

35

Techies, of course, frequently make fun of the business/management. Here’s a good example:
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Tech Support,” says the balloonist.

“I do,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to anyone.”

The man below says, “You must work in management.”

“I do,” replies the balloonist, “how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

36

Q: How many Freudian psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two - one to change the lightbulb and one to hold the penis-I mean ladder!
English teacher joke:

A young man is visiting Harvard on a field trip. He gets separated from his class while looking for the bathroom. Lost and in dire need of some facilities, he asks the next person he sees, “Excuse me, sir, could you tell me where the bathroom’s at?”

The man, a professor of English, sneers at him. “Young man, at Harvard, we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

The visitor crosses his legs, grits his teeth and tries again, “okay, can you tell me where the bathroom’s at, asshole?”

37

Q; How do you make a small fortune in [horse-related business]*
A: Start with a large fortune

*Could include the following: training horses, racing horses, horseshowing, owning a boarding farm, etc.

38

The version of this I’ve heard goes thusly:

A customer walks into his local butcher shop and says to the butcher, “I’m having guests over tonight and I want something exotic and special to serve them. What do you have?”
Butcher: “Well, we have guitarist brains here; just $1.00 per pound.”
Customer: “No, that’s not quite what I had in mind. Do you have anything with a little more class?”
Butcher: “How about these violinist brains; just $2.00 per pound?”
Customer: “I don’t think so. Hey, what’s this over here?”
Butcher: “Oh, yeah, that’s banjo player brains; they’ll cost you $50.00 per pound.”
Customer: “What’s so great about a banjo player brains? Why so expensive?”
Butcher: “Listen buddy, you got any idea how many banjo pickers it takes to get a pound of brains?”

Enjoyed the copyeditor jokes. The only one I can think of is the classic “Does anal retentive get a hyphen?”

39

For some reason I am channeling various members of Monty Python.

“And what sort of brain was Sir thinking of purchasing this afternoon?”

40

For the writers out there:

How many managing editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. Two to hold the author down, and one to screw the bulb in.