What did the electrical engineer say when he saw that his complex frequency has both real and imaginary parts?
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“This does not Bode well…”
I know, really lame, but I learned about Bode plots in class today and I thought up the joke myself! 
I know far too many engineers for not being one myself and I heard this joke which described all of them perfectly. It’s possible that the group of engineers I know is abnormal so I hope I don’t offend anyone.
A doctor, a preist and an engineer are out playing golf at the local club when they get stuck behind a foursome that they quickly conclude are the worst golfers in the history of man. The guys have to take at least twenty strokes before they even manage to hit the ball and then they crawl around on their hands and knees looking for the ball only to get up and take another twenty plus swings to hit it again.
After about an hour of this the doctor, priest and engineer start getting fed up. They start grumbling to themselves about how bad those golfers are and why in the world would the starter ever let them on the course. A few minutes later the groundskeeper comes riding by on a golf cart and they quickly corner him and demand to know what’s going on.
The groundskeeper replied, “Well a few years ago our clubhouse caught on fire and four firemen ran in to save some people who were trapped. Unfortunately the building collapsed on them and the resulting injuries caused them to lose their eyesight. Those are the same four firemen and to show how much we appreciate their sacrifice we let them play here for free whenever they want.”
After the groundskeeper drove away the threesome was silent for a few moments.
Suddenly the doctor spoke up, “Y’know, I feel bad for getting mad at those fellows and when I get back to the hospital I’m gonna call up some friends of my who are optomatrists and see if maybe there is some new cutting-edge technique to help those guys get their eyesight back.”
After a short pause the priest spoke up and said, “You know, I feel bad for getting mad at those fellows and when I get back to the church I’m going to pray that a miracle occurs allowing those guys to get their eyesight back and I’m going to ask everyone in my congregation to do the same.”
After a short pause the engineer spoke up and said, “Why the fuck can’t they play at night?”
Well, if we’re up for typecasting engineers, then …
There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.
The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.
In disbelief, he asked, ‘Where did you come from? How did you get here’? She said, ‘I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank’ 'Amazing, ’ he said, 'I didn’t know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you?
'It is only me, ’ she said, ‘and the rowboat didn’t wash up, nothing else did.’ 'Well then, ’ said the man, ‘how did you get the rowboat?’ 'I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, ’ replied the woman. ‘The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree’.
'But, but, ’ asked the man, ‘what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?’ 'Oh, no problem, ’ replied the woman, 'on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired It to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, ’ she said. ‘Where do you live?’
At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. 'Well, let’s row over to my place, ’ she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
'It’s not much, ’ she said, ‘but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?’ 'No, ’ said the man, ‘one more coconut juice and I will puke.’ 'It won’t be coconut juice, ’ the woman replied, ‘I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?’ Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, ‘Tell me, have you always had a beard?’ 'No, ’ the man replied, ‘I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship.’ ‘Well if you would like to shave, there is a man’s razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.’ So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.
'You look great, ’ said the woman, ‘I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable.’ So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia. 'Tell me, ’ she asked, ‘we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now.’
'Yes there is, ’ the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her. ‘Tell me… Do you happen to have an Internet connection?’
I feel like such a dork, this actually made me laugh out loud. Anyone have any good jokes involving integrals?
The version I heard, it was a Rabbi w/o the f word.
A ticket collector on the local bus route appeared in court today after flying into a violent rage for no apparent reason and killing 24 of his passengers in a massacre that shocked the city. In sentencing the man to death by electric chair, the judge called him a “depraved psychopath and a disgrace to his profession.” The day of his execution drew large crowns, and as he was strapped into the chair, they were baying for his blood. The switch was thrown to cheers, but to the dismay of the witnesses, the man sat unaffected in the chair, smiling at his executioners. Embarrassed, they checked all the contacts and threw the switch a second and then a third time, but to no avail, as it simply failed to work. Interpreting this chain of events as some divine intervention, the man was pardoned and released. Outside an impromptu press gathering was addressed by the man’s lawyer - asked for an explanation of the day’s events, the newly released man simply smiled slightly and said:
“Well, it’s like the judge said - I was a very bad conductor…”
:rolleyes:
Gp
The second French revolution.
They drag out the Preist for the guillotine and ask him “Do you want to go on your face or on your back?”
The Priest replies “On my back, facing God.”
They throw the lever and the blade doesn’t fall.
“It is a miracle! We must release him.”
They ask the lawyer.
“I will follow the precedent of my associate and go on my back”
Again the blade remains fast and they release the lawyer.
They bring out the engineer, who elects to go on his back: “I want to see how this thing works.”
They throw the lever and the blade remains still.
“Oh, I see what’s wrong! The rope is stuck on that pulley!”
Anachronistic Engineer Joke:
Did you hear the one about the constipated engineer who worked it out on a slide rule?
One day, 1 and two of his alphabet buddies were walking down the street. They were enjoying the beautiful day, when an integral symbol appears from around the corner. 1 ran as fast as he could in the opposite direction. The other two continue on for awhile, until, this time, TWO integral symbols round the corner. This time, x takes off like a shot. Later, the three friends meet up again. “Wow, you’re so brave” raved 1 and x. “How did you mamage to stand up to all that integration?” No problem, replied their friend, “I’m e!”
A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.
He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The man below says, “Yes, You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude”.
“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist. “I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below says, “You must be a manager.” “I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,” says the man below, "you don’t know where you are, or where you are going, You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.
(This also works fine as a computer programmer joke. It certainly typifies most of the engineers and programmers I know, including myself…)
An engineer is walking down his favorite path one day when he meets a fellow engineer riding a brand-new bicycle down the path from the other side. The first engineer asks his friend how he got that fine new bicycle.
“Well, it’s very odd. I was walking down this same path yesterday and a beautiful girl rode up on this bicycle. She got off the bike, stripped off all her clothes, and told me I could have whatever I wanted. So I took the bicycle.”
“You made the right choice” said the first engineer. “Those clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
An electrical and a mechanical engineer were debating which type of engineer God must have been. The electrical engineer said “look at how the body works, everything functions as a result of electrical impulses, incredibly timed to permit thought, memory, and movement”. The mechanical engineer said “no, look at the design of the body, how every part is superbly suited to its function”
This went on and on until a beautiful woman walked by, paused, and bent over to pick up something she had dropped. As she walked away, the engineers looked at each other and said “well, we were both wrong. Only a civil engineer would put the recreation area next to the waste disposal facility.”
Okay, bouv, I’ve got two for you.
Q: How many RPI engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to service the equipment, and one to explain how the light bulbs here are just as good as the ones at MIT.
My career thus far.
I don’t know any engineering jokes about Opal.
Funny you should say that, Exgineer…cause I go to RPI. (or did you already know that…I’m thinking you did since you told that joke.) And our light bulbs are just as good as MIT’s! Better even!
Oh, and Arwen, those should be differentiation symbols, cause you derive a 1 and get nothing…derive x twice and get nothing…you can derive e from here to infinity. Intragration has no end.
No accident, bouv, I got your school from your posts. I don’t think I could point to any one thing that told me, but synergy is a very real phenomenon. (It may have been that thread about your girlfriend, but every engineering school in the US has a women’s college “down the hill,” so I doubt it.) Lurk and Learn. I took the 'Tute Screw in the nether regions myself.
For my Masters.
On that note, I have another joke for you:
Q: Where did Exgineer get his bachelor’s degree?
A: Some place in Schenectady.
[sub]Once again, the joke is on me.**
What’s the difference beteen a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer?
The mechanical engineer designs better weapons. The civil engineer designs better targets.
You’re right, bouv, I was having a hard time with my brain yesterday. Thanks.
So these two accountants get on a train, and see two engineers in the seats ahead of them. When the conductor announces that he’s collecting tickets, the engineers both get up and got to the bathroom at the end of the car and lock the door.
The conductor comes through to collect tickets and notices the “occupied” light lit on the bathroom and knocks on the door and says, “ticket, please.” One of the engineers slips a ticket under the door, and when the conductor moves to the next car they both exit the bathroom and go back to their seats.
The accountants (being accountants) are mystified by this behavior, and ask the engineers what they were doing.
The engineers said, “Well duh, we just got two train rides for the price of one.” And the accountants are impressed with the intelligence of the engineers and resolve to take advantage of this trick at their first opportunity.
On the return trip, the accountants immediately sequestered themselves in the rail-car bathroom. And when the conductor announced on the PA that she would be collecting tickets…
…one of the engineers got up, went to the bathroom door, knocked, and said, “ticket please.”
An engineer gets a job in a remote place somewhere is Saudi Arabia and when he gets there all he sees is sand and oil wells. The pay is very good but, of course, no alcohol or women in sight. Very worried, he asks the janitor ‘Eh, Abdul, what do you do here when you need a good fuck?’
Abdul starts explaining, ‘Oh, we don’t have any women here but, do you see that camel? (actually, a female camel). Well, you can use her for…’
The engineer didn’t want to hear anything else. ‘Shut up, you must be crazy if you think I’m going to do that’ and saying this, he walked away very offended.
After a few days, things started to get really hot and one day our friend couldn’t stand it any more and asked Abdul ‘Have the camel ready because tonight I will have a go’.
So, Abdul brought the camel, cleaned her, put a stool next to her and let the engineer know that everything was ready.
The next morning, our engineer looking much more relaxed, was shaving and whistling and Abdul all excited came to ask him ‘So? What happened last night?.’
‘You fool. Can’t you guess what happened? I fucked the camel and it actually wasn’t as bad as I thought.’
And Abdul looking all surprised replied ‘YOU IDIOT ! The camel is for riding to the town where the hookers are!’
An engineer gets a job in a remote place somewhere is Saudi Arabia and when he gets there all he sees is sand and oil wells. The pay is very good but, of course, no alcohol or women in sight. Very worried, he asks the janitor ‘Eh, Abdul, what do you do here when you need a good fuck?’
Abdul starts explaining, ‘Oh, we don’t have any women here but, do you see that camel? (actually, a female camel). Well, you can use her for…’
The engineer didn’t want to hear anything else. ‘Shut up, you must be crazy if you think I’m going to do that’ and saying this, he walked away very offended.
After a few days, things started to get really hot and one day our friend couldn’t stand it any more and asked Abdul ‘Have the camel ready because tonight I will have a go’.
So, Abdul brought the camel, cleaned her, put a stool next to her and let the engineer know that everything was ready.
The next morning, our engineer looking much more relaxed, was shaving and whistling and Abdul all excited came to ask him ‘So? What happened last night?.’
‘You fool. Can’t you guess what happened? I fucked the camel and it actually wasn’t as bad as I thought.’
And Abdul looking all surprised replied ‘YOU IDIOT ! The camel is for riding to the town where the hookers are!’