Ouch. Tortuous indeed!
This nice little bit from The Pirates of Penzance relies on British accents to work:
General. Tell me, have you ever known what it is to be an orphan?
Pirates. (disgusted) Oh, dash it all!
King. Here we are again!
General. I ask you, have you ever known what it is to be an orphan?
King. Often!
General. Yes, orphan. Have you ever known what it is to be one?
King. I say, often.
Pirates. (disgusted) Often, often, often. (Turning away)
General. I don’t think we quite understand one another. I ask you, have you ever known what it is to be an orphan, and you say “orphan”. As I understand you, you are merely repeating the word “orphan” to show that you understand me.
King. I didn’t repeat the word often.
General. Pardon me, you did indeed.
King. I only repeated it once.
General. True, but you repeated it.
King. But not often.
General. Stop! I think I see where we are getting confused. When you said “orphan”, did you mean “orphan” – a person who has lost his parents, or “often”, frequently?
King. Ah! I beg pardon – I see what you mean – frequently.
General. Ah! you said “often”, frequently.
King. No, only once.
General. (irritated) Exactly – you said “often”, frequently, only once.
Native English speaker in U.S. Navy to World War II shipmate, upon spotting a submarine: Is that a U-boat?
Italian immigrant shipmate: No, that’s not-a my boat!
Boss to prospective employee: After looking at your cover letter, it’s clear you have a good command of the language. Where did you receive your education?
Prospective employee: Yale.
Boss: And what did you say your name was again?
Prospect: Yohn Yohnson!
For those of us of Appalachian heritage:
Why were the Three Wise Men covered in ashes?
Because they came from afar.
Last line read in a county Cork accent…
Dan Dare is finally captured by the Mekon.
Dare tells the Mekon how terrible his death would be to the people of Earth and the Mekon is moved. The Mekon decides that if this is true, he’ll let Dare go and if the first person they meet on Earth recognises Dare, he’ll let him go.
The Mekon is cunning though and takes Dare to the very bottom of Ireland where he reckons nobody would know who Dare is.
They find an old man in the countryside and approach him. The Mekon asks, “Earthling, do you know this man?”
The old man replies, “ah, dare you are.”
Yeah its great isn’t it? :smack:
I love that commercial!
A realtor is showing a house to a man from New England.
“You will really like this house, sir. It’s pristine. This is a house without a flaw!”
“Really? Then what does one walk on?”
That’s wicked awesome.
Borat has acquired great riches from the success of his movie. He decides to have a house custom-designed and built for him. He gives all his specifications to the contractor, and ends by saying “Make you sure you put plenty halo statues in da house, I gotta hava lotsa halo statues. One inna every room, even in bathroom and in kitchen.”
The contractor, thinking that Borat must be a very pious fellow, carefully plans a niche in every room, and personally searches for the perfect religious statue for each niche. Finally, the house is finished. Borat walks through his new home for the first time. The contractor points out all the custom features, and finally Borat says, “Is very nice, but where are alla my halo statues? I wanna whole lotsa halo statues!”
The contractor points to the niches and the religious icons and says, “I put a statue of a saint in every room, just like you said.” Borat shakes his head and says “No, no, no! I don’ wanna doze kinda tings. I wanna halo statue! You know what I mean? Is communication device, it ring and you pick it up an say, Halo! 'stat you?”
The strapline of my local newspaper: “Suffolk and Proud”. Works best in the local accent, but if you repeat it out loud ten times, it should have the same effect.
In a South Afrikaans accent, to a taxi driver,
‘When I said I wanted to meet Nelson Mandela I did not mean fetch me to a car showroom’
Norfolk and Whey!
I vaguely recall one from Readers Digest maybe thirty years ago that revolves around someone from Boston talking about P.S.D.S. and no one understood what she meant, and it turns out she was talking about pierced ears. It might be funny if I remembered the joke, but probably not.
From Big Trouble, a criminally underrated movie.
Ever since Alex Haley published Roots, there has been a keen interest among the African-American community in tracing their ancestry. Sometimes it is possible to trace a family’s history all the way back to Africa. One interesting discovery is that people descended from certain African tribes tend to gravitate toward certain jobs. Examples include the Momback, Moteesa and Hodedo tribes.
Members of the Momback tribe tend to gravitate toward warehouse work; they can be identified by their habit of standing at the loading dock and gesturing to truck drivers while shouting: “Momback! Momback!”
People descended from the Moteesa tribe often work in restaurants; they can be found circulating among the tables, occasionally asking the patrons: “Moteesa?”
However, the most easily identifiable tribe is the Hodedo, who strangely have all found work as elevator inspectors. In the course of their duties they are often observed running toward closing elevators, shouting “Hodedo! Hodedo!”
I’d like to thank my uncle for telling me this anecdote, which was probably the least offensive example of humor he ever shared with me. I’d also like to thank Johnny L.A., for requesting jokes about accents, so I finally had an excuse to get this one out of my skull 25 years after hearing it. Thank you, and good night.
‘Norfolk Enchants’ is a staple pub quiz team name, is it not?
Courtesy of a friend of mine:
Why do the Irish only put 139 beans in their bean stew?
[irishaccent]If they added one more it’d be too farty![/irishaccent]
A Bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
Emma come first, Den I come.
Den two asses come togeder.
I come once-a-mora.
Two asses, they come togeder again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.
“You foul mouthed swine” says the lady, “in this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady” said the man "I’m a justa tellin’ my friend how to spella ‘Mississippi’ "
Did you hear about the Irish Tree Felling chanpionships?
It was won by tree fellers from Dublin