American soldier to Aussie soldier:
“Did you come here to die?”
Response:
“No mate, I came here yesterday”
Sven is driving along and he goes past his friend Ole’s farm, which has a sign out front reading “Boat For Sale”.
“Now that’s a funny thing, Ole doesn’t have a boat”, so Sven goes and knocks on the door.
Out comes Ole.
“Ole, you don’t sail do you?” says Sven.
“Nope” says Ole.
“Well what’s the sign about then?” says Sven.
“You see my tractor?” asks Ole.
“Oh sure”
“And you see my combine?” asks Ole.
“You betcha.”
“Well they’re boat for sale” says Ole.
Two terrible Scottish ones:
How do you eradicate trumpet weed from your garden.
Root-it-oot.
How do you recognise a cow on a holiday?
It has a wee calf.
On Halloween a lady opens up her door to find a kid dressed in a sheet with eye holes cut in it, a girl with a tiara and ball gown, and a boy with an eye patch, an eyeliner beard, and a wooden sword.
“Twick ow tweet,” says the boy, waving his sword.
“Oh, what do we have here, a princess, a ghost, and a buccaneer?”
“I’m not a buckin’ eaw, I’m a piwate. Open up youw buckin’ eyes wady!”
irish accent, nortside Dublin:
A Dubliner walks into a chemist, goes up to the counter and asks for a deodorant.
Says the sales girl “aerosol?”
says the guy “no, me armpits”
Heh, I love the original joke, but the UHF clip was a little off.
I also love the “viper” joke that Zsofia told.
I thought of this rather non-pc example last night.
What did Hitler do every morning?
He kicked the dew off the grass.
I imagine this one doesn’t work in North America.