Anything that you might hear on the radio, satellite or otherwise.
How do you get a humanities major off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
Never in my life heard the latter except in a song, not a joke.
Speaking of jokes that just need to die already . . .
This. Or worse yet “obligatory xkcd”. I can’t be the only person who is completely underwhelmed by Randa Monroe’s crude stick figures and mildly amusing at best jokes.
These battered equines are particularly necrotic:
References to Monty Python, The Princess Bride, and Airplane.
Any variation of the nuke it from orbit line from Aliens.
Jokes involving Schrodinger’s cat or the idea of indeterminacy in general. It’s basically someone pointing out they know something about science and quantum physics, aren’t they so clever? But it’s the safest, most mainstream sort of science joke that everyone and their mom knows, the kind of joke you see on xkcd or network sitcoms. True, if you go more obscure maybe your audience won’t get it. If that’s a concern then don’t make quantum physics jokes.
A lot of sex jokes and innuendo requires knowing that pussy smells like fish. It doesn’t. Not in general, outside of the occasional tale of some poor guy who ended up with a walking bio-hazard. The only thing I can figure out is it’s a hold over from when people bathed once every six months. Maybe then eating fish pie or going to tuna town made sense.
This may not qualify because it still amuses me from time to time, but I think white people, or boring middle to upper class people of any race ironically acting “urban” or using gangster slang should be about done. Or maybe it’s not even ironic anymore and I’m being charitable and it’s just more shameless appropriation of black culture. It’s not the same as an old person trying to appear hip by using slang that’s 30 years old, but it’s still weird.
When someone needs to make a stupid slut joke they tend to dump on the latest celebrity who everyone hates, whether it’s Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, or whoever’s next on the treadmill. This is so bottom of the barrel, so uninspired you might as well make a chicken crossing the road joke.
Yes, thank you. This may have made sense during the Taco Bell contamination scares but I’ve been hearing this shit my whole life. Ground hamburger, lettuce, cheese, and some watered down sauce barely spicier than ketchup shouldn’t give anyone the shits.
If they must exist, fast food diarrhea jokes should be aimed at White Castle’s grease bombs.
The Perfect Master
:eek: Now, let’s not take this thing so far as to rip out our whole culture by the roots!
YMMV. Crotch is crotch. If you’re a guy, try walking around all day getting hot and sweaty, then stuff your hand down your pants, then sniff it. What does it smell like? It smells like pussy, is what it smells like! Not as strong, but pretty much the same smell – and not too dissimilar to fish.
:dubious: ahem
And the reciprocal of pi to your good wife.
Laws of math defied
My one goes into your pi
More than 3-plus times
There should have been only one!
Johnny was a chemist’s son
But Johnny is no more
Cause what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4
Flying Spaghetti Monster and the like (pastafarians, putting Jedi as your religion on official forms, etc)
No using it doesn’t make you funny or witty, it only shows that you’re a hateful anti religion jerk.
As compared to the hateful, pro-religion jerks that prompted such things?
When someone quotes a price in Canadian dollars: ‘What’s that, like 2 bucks American?’
It wasn’t even particularly funny when the premise made sense, but the Canadian dollar hasn’t dropped below 90 cents American for any substantial period in a decade.
I even had someone trot it out when the Canadian dollar was a buck and change American!
Don’t synthesize anything I wouldn’t synthesize!
(If only we lived in a world in which Flanders and Swann references were so overused that people were complaining about them in pit threads…)
Thanks, Obama!