Which means they can’t be dirty jokes or bathroom jokes… Good clean fun
A cop sees a guy with a dozen penguins in the bed of his pickup. He pulls the guy over and starts yelling at him, “What the hell are you doing? You can’t have these penguins here! You have to take them to the zoo right away!”
The guy says, “Yes sir! I’ll do it right away!” and drives off.
The next day, the cop sees the same guy, same pickup, same dozen penguins in the bed only this time they’re all wearing sunglasses.
The cop pulls him over, and now he’s angry! He says, “What are you doing? I told you to take them to the zoo!”
The guy replies, “I took them to the zoo yesterday; today I’m taking them to the beach!”
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Hey, I teach 8-year-olds, so I hear my share of lame jokes. Doesn’t mean I don’t laugh at them, though. Like this inane one: Why is six scared of seven? Because seven eight nine. Har har!
A rope walks into a restaurant (not a bar, for the 10 yr old). The waiter says, “You’ll have to leave–we don’t serve ropes here.” The rope goes outside and cries, and then rubs himself on the ground and ties himself. He struts back into the restaurant, and the waiter says, “Aren’t you that rope I just asked to leave?” The rope replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”
Two robins are lying in the sun, basking after a warm meal. Suddenly, a cat jumps out a swallows them both down! He grins and says, “I just love Baskin Robins.”
Why did the girl throw butter out the window?
To see a butterfly.
Why did the boy throw a clock out the window?
To see time fly.
Which ants are the biggest?
Gi-ants!
Which animal runs around the room, stealing answers?
A cheetah.
If you go into the woods where there are black bears or grizzly bears you have to take precautions. For black bears you should wear noisemakers on your clothing, little bells, for example, and carry pepper spray. Look for signs of black bears like fresh droppings. Black bears droppings will contain nuts and berries and are smaller than grizzly bear droppings, which contain little bells and smell like pepper spray.
-How does a tiny man say goodbye?
-With a microwave!
Why was the baby ant so confused?
because all his uncles were ants.
Where do otters come from?
otter space
what did the mother buffalo say to the baby buffalo when he went off to school?
Bye son! (bison)
Why was the archeologist depressed?
his career was in ruins
what did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
Damm!
what did the zero say to the eight?
hey, nice belt!
What did the circus manager say when the human bullet man said he was quitting?
You can’t quit! Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?
What kind of horse has its eyes real close together?
A little bitty one.
Two men walked into a bar. The third man ducked.
What has eyes but cannot see, ears but cannot hear, a mouth but can utter no sound, and can jump as high as Mount Everest?
Did you hear about the two maggots fighting in dead earnest? (Earnest!)
A skeleton, once, in Khartoum
Invited a ghost up into his room
They spent the whole night
In the eeriest fight
Over who should be frightened of whom
What do flies read in the morning?
The fly paper!
How do you get down off an elephant?
You don’t! You get down off a duck!
What’s the difference between a duck?
Its back-left leg is both the same.
An old woman calls the plumber to fix a leak. While she’s waiting, she remembers she needs to go to the store and leaves. The plumber arrives and knocks on the door. The lady’s pet parrot says, “Who IS it?”
The plumber says, “It’s the plumber!”
“Who IS it?”
“It’s the PLUMBER!”
“Who IS it?”
“IT’S THE PLUMBER!”
This goes on until the plumber has a heart attack and dies. The old lady comes home and sees the plumber lying dead on her porch. “Oh, dear!” she cries, “Who IS it?”
“It’s the PLUMBER!” replies the parrot!
“I must leave this planet, if only for an hour.” – Antoine de St. Exupéry
Some classic poems from my youth that my children still quote today:
As I was going down the stair
I met a man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
I wish that man would go away
Early one morning in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
A deaf policeman heard the noise
And came to arrest the two dead boys
Why did the farmer get an award?
Because he was out standing in his field.
