Three guys are walking down the street. Two of them walked into a bar, but the third one ducked!
Get it? he ducked.
why did the little kid take a ladder to school?
because he wanted to go to high school.
because it’s HIGH school. so he took a ladder.
screw you guys.
SingleDad:
Have you bought a copy of A ROCKET IN MY POCKET: RHYMES AND CHANTS OF YOUNG AMERICANS yet? Originally published in the late '40s, I loved it as a kid in the '60s, my 9-year-old has loved it for five years, and I’m about to read it to my 4-year-old…
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0805008047/qid=955554715/sr=1-1/002-2389969-9256204
Uke
Hee hee hee! I love these.
Q: What did the hat say to the hat rack?
A: You stay here, I’ll go on a head.
And speaking of heads, a Shaggy Dog story:
Once upon a time there was a little boy who had no body, no arms, and no legs. He was very unhappy, because all the other children would tease him unmercifully. One day as he was rolling along to school, he met a fairy on top of a hill.
“Hello, little boy,” she said. “I will grant you any three wishes you desire. What is your first wish?”
“Wow!” Exclaimed the little boy. “My first wish is that I had a body.” And POOF! He had a body.
“My second wish is that I had legs.” And POOF! He had legs.
“And my last wish is that I had arms.” And POOF! He had arms. Well, the little boy was so excited that he took off running down the hill, and at the bottom he got hit by a car.
“It says, I choo-choo-choose you. And it’s got a picture of a train.”
– Ralph Wiggum
Actually, my boys are older (15 and 12) and are starting to have a more sophisticated sense of humor.
I posted this thread just because I like these sorts of jokes. 
And y’all have been great, these are really funny
May I have permission from you to post the best of these on my web site?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
So one day two eggs and a piece of bacon walk into a bar. They approach the bartender and are about to order a drink when the bartender cuts them off. “Sorry, fellas, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
Or… something like that.
What has 4 legs, is green and fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree and hit you, you would surely die?
A pool table.
Sig! Sig a Sog! Sig it loud! Sig it Strog! – Karen Carpenter with a head cold
A horse walked into a bar. The bartender said, “Hey, why the long face?”
An Eskimo is reading “Jack and the Beanstalk” to his young son in the igloo.
He gets to this part: “The ogre walked in the house, smelled Jack and said ‘Fee Fie Fo Fum’! I smell the blood of an Englishman’, so Jack went to hide in a corner.”
The young boy says “Dad, what’s what?”
His father says “An ogre is a big giant that likes to eat people.”
The young boy says “No, I mean what’s a corner?”
So, I was just looking at the latest issueof a jokelist I get twice a week (RWEjokelist - http://rwe.virtualave.net/)) and I found this joke:
These two green beans were crossing the hi-way when one of
them was hit by a semi. His buddy scrapes him up and rushed
him to the hospital. After hours of surgery the doctor comes
in and says “I have good news and bad news.”
The green bean starts to rejoice and the doctor says, “The
good news is that he’s going to live.”
Back off, man. My brother’s a lawyer. (Thanks, Wally!)
Q. What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A. Piiig.
I ask not what you can do for me, but what you can do for me right now.
What is red, slimy, and crawls up your leg?
An abortion with homesickness.
My six year-old claims she made this up: What do you call words that you read from right to left. Answer: Backwards
Not only does God play dice, he cheats!
OralSuppository, you should be ashamed of yourself. Not funny.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to
pound in the correct screw.
Little Willie with a dreadful shout,
Gouged the babies eyeballs out,
He jumped on them and made them pop,
Daddy said, “Willie stop!”
Little Willie in his nice new sashes,
Fell in the fire and burned to ashes,
Now althought the room grows chilly,
I haven’t the heart to poke poor Willie.
Speaking of made up jokes, I apparently made this one up when I was 4:
Q. Why did the frog jump over the tree?
A. Because the car hit him.
Seems logical to me…
Q. What is Brown and Sticky?
A. A Stick.
Q. Why do Seagulls fly over the Sea?
A. If they flew over the Bay they would be Bagels (Bay-Gulls)
What’s Kermit Frogs middle name a = the
How do you know there’s an elephant in your bed
a = there’s a big E on his pyjamas
“Mummy mummy , am I really a polar bear?”
" Yes dear "
“Mummy,are you sure?”
“Of course dear”
“Truly?”
“Look ,you’ve got thick white fur ,a cute little black nose and cute little black eyes-say why do you ask?”
" Cos mum , I’m FREEZING!"
Ad addition to the mushroom one:
Q: Why was the mushroom invited to the party?
A: Because he was a fungi.
Q: Why was he asked to leave the party halfway through?
A: Because there wasn’t mushroom.
========
A panda walks into a restaurant. He orders a meal, eats it, whips out a shotgun and shoots random people. Then he starts walking out the door. The bar tender gets up from the table he was ducking behind and asks the panda “What the hell was that!?” The panda says “I’m a panda. Look it up!” The bartender gets out a dictionary and looks up the word and sees:
Panda (PÂN·de) : A black and white bear indiginous to China. Eat shoots and leaves.
(okay, maybe that one’s not appropriate for 10-year-olds. Maybe 12-year-olds?)
ad = an
D****IT!
eat = eats
ò.ó