Sorry if I ramble on a bit. Just had to get this off my chest somewhere. I will be 40 in a few months. I have a 10 month old baby girl. My fiancé/baby daddy beat me for not listening to him so I left him.
Now, One of his best friends since childhood has taken it upon himself to make sure I have support emotionally, and I reach the “best possible outcome”, for the situation. He has been really helpful since this all happened 5months ago and I appreciate it. He has helped walk my dog, plays with my baby, and goes on outings with me. However, the outings we go to are clothing optional hot springs. We have gone 3X so far, the first being with my fiancé. To me it’s no big deal and he has always treated me as a platonic friend. However, lately he has begun to act differently. He tells me that he thinks of me as family. The last hot spring we went to he told me my body was “Lovely”, and he calls and comes to visit for no reason now, and the biggest change is that he hugs me when he would never touch me before, and invited me to a family event.
Maybe he just feels close to me as a good friend? However, I feel like he is lonely and I am just a women to hang out with until he eventually finds someone. He is very introverted, nerdy, and not what you would call classically good looking. However, he is smart and kind. I worry that I will start feeling too attached, or developing feelings for him knowing that he is eventually going to leave. I gently tried to bring this up, but he thought I was just pushing him away and said I wasn’t going to succeed. He says he looks at my daughter as a niece. This I believe. However, when he said I was like a sister in law to him I had to correct him. I am not family! He wouldn’t get naked in front of his sister in law at a hot spring! He wouldn’t let his sister in law listen to his heart beat as he hugged her. I feel like I will be hurt in the end. I listen to his woes about dating, let him give me long his goodbye, and call and talk, go to hot springs, out to dinner, and have cooked for him once before. Should I get out? Or should I just talk to him and make some boundaries. I know eventually he will start dating someone and I will be history anyway. He says that won’t happen, but it more likely will because, We Are Not Family!
This guy seems to be expecting more from you than a simple “friendship”.
It is entirely up to you to decide if you want to be romantically involved with him.
If not, my opinion is you need to end the relationship. He’s in a way different place than you are and he will not change. Far from it, he will pursue this and he will feel angry when you do not give him the affection he now feels he is due (he’s not “due” anything).
If you do want to be with him then you need to let him know and return some affection.
If you do not you need to be clear about it and step away. Even then he may ignore you and push (probably will).
NOTE: I am NOT a professional. Just adding my $0.02. Finding legit support services seems best here.
I have to be fair here. I’ve seen a couple of good guys start good relationships with women in this type of situation. One has been together for 10 years, the other, 25. But, I’ve also seen some not cool guys go through these motions so…
You must examine your heart. If you’re not feeling it, you simply aren’t. Tell him so and walk away. Will he be butt-hurt? Probably, but that’s what he gets for not admitting right away that he was attracted to you and playing games. Or maybe, you’re just not ready. Say you need time and distance to figure out what you want for yourself and ask him to text you in five years if he is still interested.
Certainly, be prepared for a stalker but don’t expect him to be one. Best of luck to you. And welcome to the SDMB.
Maybe I am not quite understanding, but you only date your own family members? Or only family members of guys who beat you?
Also, what is a “long his goodbye”? Is that like a short her hello but only on Tuesdays? Or like a regular apple turnover but with candy canes instead of shoelaces?
I’m pretty sure she’s saying that he’s being insincere about not dropping her in a hot minute once he begins dating someone else because they don’t have actual family bonds to maintain their relationship even once he’s spending much of his time with a new significant other.
Sounds like he’s trying the stealth date gambit. People who fear rejection do this. Problem is, it’s manipulative, shows lack of confidence/self-esteem, and only promises a relationship without straightforward communication.
Worse, sounds like he’s looking for a damsel in distress to rescue. Attracted to your vulnerabilities not your capabilities, out of the weird belief that when someone to loves you, it’s like they owe you a debt.