Before sending the letter, you might want to look into whether (1) you mom has any right to a claim for child support for you as an adult child in school, and (2) if alienation of your father by you might negate that right. I don’t know what the law is where you are, ths is not legal advice, etc.
So you are going to cut off all ties to your Father simply because he’s a feeling a little schadenfreude over your Mother situation? They just went through a break up and bitter feelings are common. Seems to me your little melodramatic act of cutting off your Father will only ratchet up the emotional intensity.
Meanwhile you are going to put on this superior air when you just flunked out of college and owe him $3,500? Oh, personal issues are the excuse. Don’t suppose your Dad might be having a few of those, do you? They just seperated, is a divorce in the near future?
Instead of being over the top with some goofy formal letter cutting off ties, just tell him it upsets you and that maybe he should try to keep his more spiteful feelings to himself. Unless there is something approaching criminal in his “harassment” of your Mom, then I would say you are over-reacting.
Give yourself time to think it through, Mayo. I recently stopped talking to my dad; during my parent’s six-year divorce, I felt obligated to talk to him on the phone a few times a week. I’m not sure why. But some stuff has come out during the divorce that I don’t think I can forgive: he verbally abused my mom and siblings, he’s racist, sexist, and homophobic; he cheated on my mom numerous times; and during the last six years, he’s tried his absolute best to make all our lives miserable, just for spite. He kept on calling me after the divorce was over, but after I didn’t answer for about two months, he got the hint. He’s not a good person, and I can’t be around him any longer. I wish I could get my father back; the guy who blew raspberries on my belly and drank diet coke by the case and watched TV with me every night. 
But he’s gone; I don’t know who took over his body. I hope I made the right decision.
Your feelings are very understandable. However, you have to realize that his relationship with your mother is separate from your relationship with him. Quite frankly, it’s kind of crappy of your mother to involve you at all by complaining about him. The second she starts complaining about your father, you need to say, “I’m so sorry, Mom, please don’t put me in the middle of this.”
I guarantee you that you don’t know the full story of their relationship. And it’s not fair of you to cast your father out of your life when you haven’t even given him a chance to present his side of the story.
Instead of the letter you plan on sending, why not send him a Christmas card that says, “Dad, the best Christmas present you could ever give me is to try and treat Mom better. When you hurt her, you hurt me.”
Oh and Auntie Pam, I strongly disagree with your decision to keep his son’s letter away from your husband. It’s not your duty to protect a grown man from his own son. I’d be very, very upset if my husband intercepted a letter addressed to me and made a carte blanche decision about how it should be handled. His son may have been unreasonable but people aren’t always reasonable. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be heard. Your husband has every right to see that letter.
I am a father who would receive this letter.
I have been separated from my wife for 18 months. We have been going to counseling during that time while remaining friendly. We still care about each other deeply.
I just can’t be married to her.
My situating is different but my children hurt all the more. We had the storybook marriage and family, so my children did not have live with the fighting and abuse others had.
When I left they were blindsided. The issues I had with their mother were private and complicated issues of affection and respect. They were not the “I hate you please go”, or “fuck you I’m leaving”.
When I finalize the divorce I expect such a letter from my daughter. It was her senior year. Charmed life she thought. She was homecoming queen and captain of the cheer squad, so to her I ruined her perfect life the day I left.
Please reconsider the letter.
The pain you see your mother go thru may mirror some of the pain your father feels
you just don’t see it every day. When you see him he is pulled together.
When he is alone he may be consumed by sadness guilt and despair, he may cry like a baby over the loss of his life
I know I do.
Good luck to you.
MrPeabody
This is between you mom and dad. That’s not to say you don’t have an interest, but you must approach it in a mature manner. Have a man to man talk w/ your father, let him give you his side of the story. It may be that doing this, in a matter of fact manner, will make him see that he’s acting inappropriately, or it may let you see that your mother is contributing to the turmoil. Your interest should be in maintaining a relationship w/ both of them, the trials and tribulations of their split shouldn’t be your business and you can’t “fix” things between them. Burning bridges is usually an immature act that is often regretted later. Stand up, be an adult and deal w/ the matter at hand. Communications can solve many problems, ultimatums usually don’t solve anything, they’re just another way of avoiding the hard work of sustaining a relationship, in other words, a way of running from things instead of facing them.
Ultimately, Mayo, I don’t know if any of us can rightly advise you. There is so much involved in a parent and child relationship, and we know only a few snippets of information. But, I’ve been in a similar place that you have, where my wealthy father was taking great pleasure in giving the screw to my mom in the divorce, and cheating her as much as possible to try to destroy her financially.
I’m coming, though, from the perspective of a child who has cut my father out of my life. For me, I have no doubts that it was the right decision. But, even though my father did some nasty things to my mother before, during, and after the divorce, my eventual decision was between me and my father alone. We had no emotional bond and we never did. I hated him as a child and other people didn’t understand, but I grew to be an adult who disliked the man and, frankly, just didn’t love him enough to put up with it.
While I could name a thousand little reasons, in the end it was because we didn’t bring any joy to each other, and our relationship was only for “keeping up appearances”. As I have no interest in such things, I felt it was best that it end. Even so, and even after my thousand reasons, my letter to him was simple: I didn’t want him in my life for my own reasons, and because I didn’t think we added anything to either of our lives by being in it. It took a while to get to that point - years after the divorce, and after he remarried – and I gave him the opportunity to explore family therapy (which we did, but sadly couldn’t reach an understanding). When that failed, and I felt I had given him every chance to forge a relationship where there wasn’t one, I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore.
I love my Mom very much, but I didn’t choose one parent over the other. I simply never wanted a relationship with Dad, and I felt I gave him chances. It was the right decision, I think, for me. But it took my whole life to get to that point, not just the few strained months after the divorce, and that’s what we simply don’t know from your post.
Do you love your father? Did you ever? I’m not asking to be flippant, but that’s really what you need to look at. Anyone can be angry and take some time away, but cutting off a parent affects you for the rest of your life. Your letter is something that you can’t take back. Consider it carefully.
I think all of us try to protect the people we love from being hurt.
In your post just above the one quoted, you said “I guarantee you that you don’t know the full story of their relationship. And it’s not fair of you to cast your father out of your life when you haven’t even given him a chance to present his side of the story.”
That’s what this son has done. He’s cutting off all ties with his dad because he feels he was snubbed when his dad took that trip to Florida. Things were fine before that. Instead of stewing about it for two years, why didn’t he say something then?
I think the letter was more than unreasonable – it was mean and ugly and spiteful. And cowardly. He can’t say those things to his face without traveling 800 miles, but he could use the phone.
Dont send the letter.
Not that I don’t sympathize with your actions, but what happens if/when your husband contacts that son and gets the “WTF, I told you to never contact me again!” reaction? Or if/when his first daughter asks her dad how he’s dealing with the estrangement?
To the OP: I’m not one to go with the “but they’re family, you have to keep them in your life” reaction, so my response isn’t coming from there. I agree with the others who say that separation and divorce can really screw with people’s heads and both of your parents may not be acting kindly or sanely towards each other. If you’re going to tell him anything, tell him that any display of hostility towards one parent by the other - so you’re telling him you won’t accept it from your mother either - really hurts and offends you, and you don’t belong in the middle of it. You’d also like them to at least try to be civil towards each other, but that’s something they’ll have to work out for themselves.
First daughter doesn’t talk to first son. I don’t know what happened between them. I haven’t told her about the letter and I won’t, because it would just make things worse between her and her brother.
I haven’t thought through a phone call. We don’t have son’s phone number now (he’s moved a couple of times).
I appreciate your comments, as well as Pundit Lisa’s, and apologize to Mayo for butting into his thread.
I agree with the “wait and think on it” advice. My husband has also cut his father out of his life, and it was a long and painful process. I would say maybe it even took him too long to do it, but he gave him every chance, even going through counseling with him. It was a very very difficult thing for him to decide he couldn’t have his father be in his life anymore, even though I could give you a list of dozens of things he has done that would make anyone not want him as a father. But at least he knows he gave him enough (too many!) chances to change his behavior. My husband finally broke it off because the relationship was screwing with his own life too much and he realized the only way to break the cycle was for him to do it. Not out of anger or revenge or to spite his father even though there was a lot of anger and sadness there. Now that several years have passed and he is a father himself, I think he feels mostly pity and sadness towards his father, even though it is mostly toward what could have been.
Could you phrase your letter in a way that makes it clear what your father is doing that is hurting you, and what you need from your father if the relationship were to continue? Before cutting him off forever, make it clear to him what exactly it is that you would need from him if you were to keep him in your life. I need you to treat my mother with respect, and stop doing this, and acknowledge XYZ, or whatever. Then let him have his say as well. Then step back for a while and get some distance and give some time. People don’t change overnight, but some will eventually come to the realization that they were wrong.
If things are just too charged up right now, tell him you need some space or time without him even if you don’t elaborate, then come back to the issue in a few months when things have settled down.