I’m not sure why, but I finally decided to pick up the phone yesterday when the telemarketer called. Perhaps it was the fact that this person (or, at least, someone from the same office, with the same number) had called about 43 times over the last 10 days and I wanted to hear what the voice of perseverance sounded like. Or maybe it was because of my good mood what with the glorious weather we were having and the long weekend not even half over (this is our Thanksgiving weekend in Canada - yes, we celebrate it a lot earlier than they do in the US. I don’t know why, maybe we have less to be thankful for.)
Oh, before I go further, it may help the reader to know that there are number of newspapers available in the Toronto area including the Globe, the Star, and the National Post. Shitty as they all are, they do play a key role in my little conversation with Ms. Telemarketer:
TM: Hello, Mr. Gauss? My name is Mary Anne and I’m calling on behalf of the National Post. I see that you used to be a subscriber.
KG: Well, I’m sorry, but ever since my accident, I’ve had trouble with my memory. People say my short term memory is totally gone.
TM: Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that, Mr. Gauss. But still, perhaps I could interest you in subscribing to the Post again.
KG: I don’t remember subscribing to the Globe. Are you sure your records are right?
TM: No, no, the Post. Our records show that you once subscribed to the National Post. And now, for a limited time, you can subscribe again for just $4.99 a month!
KG: I don’t usually subscribe to magazines. Never seem to have the time to read the them.
TM: I’m calling from the Post, the National Post. It’s a newspaper not a magazine. If time is an issue, you can just read the sections of the Post that interest you. Did you know that in addition to our award-winning national correspondents and editorial writers, we have sections on . . .
KG: Time, eh? That was a long time ago. Must have been before my accident for sure. I haven’t subscribed to Time magazine for years.
TM (her suppressed exasperation beginning to raise its ugly head): Sir, I’m sorry, it’s not Time magazine. I’m calling about the National Post.
KG: Ah! I see, but how much would it cost me, Margaret?
TM: Just 4.99 for one month.
KG: $4.99 for one issue!? No way, that’s way too expensive.
TM: No, 4.99 for a month. Four ninety-nine.
KG: Four issues for 99 cents? Now that’s a good deal. I mean even if I don’t like the Star, and you know, I really don’t, that’s still a good price.
TM: No, no. That’s four dollars and ninety-nine cents per month. Per month. Just 26 cents per issue!
KG: 26 cents per issue!? That’s a terrific price! And for Time magazine, you say? Yes, I’m interested!
TM: Sir, Mr. Gauss, I’m calling from the National Post, not Time magazine. The price is four dollars and ninety-nine cents per month.
KG: Oh. I see. You should have told me that, Joanne. But will I get a prize? Like a prize for subscribing?
TM: Well, your “prize” is that you save fifteen dollars a month off the regular purchase price!
KG: Wait a minute, that’s way too much. I’m not paying fifteen dollars a month. You told me just a second ago that it was $4.99 for four months. And, especially not for the Star, that rag. If the price was right, and maybe if it was for the Post, I’d consider it.
TM: I am offering you a subscription to the Post at 26 cents an issue which is the same as five dollars for a month.
KG: The Post? 26 cents an issue.
TM: YES!
KG: Oh! I see!! I’m so sorry! You’ve been very patient with me, Carol. Don’t think that I don’t appreciate it, because I really do.
TM: No problem sir, I know how things can get confusing sometimes.
KG: Yes, you can be very confusing.
TM: OK, will you be paying with credit card or shall we bill you when delivery starts?
KG: What?
TM: Would you prefer to pay now or later?
KG: Who is this? Is this Randi? I told you never to screw around with me. I have a hard enough time as it is without you fooling around.
TM: Thank you Mr. Gauss. Have a good day.
KG: You too, Melanie. Good bye.
I’m kinda hoping that she calls back. I know exactly what I’m going to say if she does - “Good, thanks for calling. I was hoping someone from the Post would call. I’m interested in resubscribing.”
