Klingon Fairy Tales

McSweeney’s posted a list of Klingon Fairy Tales.


The idea was interesting, but the execution was terrible. For example:

“The Three Little Pigs Build an Improvised Explosive Device and Deal With That Damned Wolf Once and for All”

All he did was take fairy tales and add random Star Trek references, or like the one above didn’t even make a reference.

It is a interesting concept. How would a warrior society reinterpret our fairy tales to tell their children? I think the Teeming Millions can do a much better job.

The Tortoise and the Hare

One day the Tortoise approached the Hare and challenged him to a duel to the death. The Hare was much amused, for he was already a champion swordsman among rabbitkind and famous for his incredible speed.

As they took their stances, the Hare chuckled to himself and made a resolution to have some fun with the Tortoise.

In the next instant, the Hare was on the ground. As the Hare tried in vain to hold in his entrail, he lamented that no Tortoise should move that fast.

Looking up he saw the Tortoise preparing to deliver the mercy blow, and realized the folly of having underestimated his opponent.

The End

Hansel and Gretel

One day Hansel and Gretel’s brutal parents led them into the wood and left them there. There they found a witch. Knowing the value of her gingerbread house, Gretel distracted her while Hansel stabbed her from behind.

They then baked her flesh and feasted upon her tasty corpse, after which they used her house as a base to rally a colony of refugees and hammer them into an efficient war machine. In time, they stormed the parent’s house and mounted the parent’s heads above the mantel!

The moral fo the story?: Honor is a matter of victory!

The Boy Who Cried Wolf
Klingons don’t cry. [snarl]

The Boy Who Falsely Raised an Alarm of "Wolf"

One day a young Klingon shepherd was bored, so raised an alarm of “Wolf”.

All the village’s warriors appeared, and were mightily displeased that they did not have a wolf to dispatch. So they killed the young boy and left his carcass to rot as an example to others.

I just need to say that this sums up about 99% of McSweeney lists.

Really? Something in McSweeney’s with terrible execution? Was it also trite and condescending?
How surprising.

… McSweeneys is such B.S.
Wait… Where am I?
Okay… sorry to hijack.

Well, it’s just the style. It’s arch (one might even say twee), but if you find it funny it’s funny because it’s both making a joke and making fun of how poor the joke is at the same time.

The Interviews with Drivers of Lunch Trucks is brilliant, though, brilliant. Especially the one about The Hot Truck. Whoever wrote that baby is a real up and comer.


You shouldn’t repeat yourself like that.

This little Targie went to High Command
This little Targie Defended his house from dishonor
This little Targie had live Gaqh
This little Targie had no honor, and was taken by the Fek’Lhr
This little Targie cried Fire Disruptors, Fire Disruptors, Fire Disruptors! all the way to the Neutral Zone

You misspelled Worf.

I couldn’t disagree more. Some days the thought of McSweeney’s is all that gets me out of bed in the morning. Their pieces–lists included–are consistently original and hilarious.

Brevity is also a hallmark there. Which may be why I find the list cited as very funny and those attempted in this thread a little strained. But different strokes and all that.

Maw Ree’ had a little lamb
It’s fleece was white as snow (disguisting story so far, but bear with me)
Everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go.
When the lamb disgraced itself on the carpet
Maw Ree’ begged her Father not to kill it
That he would let her deliver the killing blow and preserve her honor.
“I expected no less from a child of the house of Hock Pock Naw!” Exclimed her Father.
Maw Ree’ wiped spittle off her face and raised her bat’lith…

So if our stories are “a little strained”, contribute your own, already! I’ve been trying to come up with something better than my first attempt, but so far I haven’t come up with anything. Maybe later when I have more time.

The Three Little Pigs
(Things are the same til the house of bricks. So I’ll skip ahead)

“Little pig, little pig, let me in!”

“Not by the beard of Keylehs!”

The pigs were afraid. But they were sure that this stronghold of bricks would protect them.

There was a crash. The walls were of bricks, but the door was made of wood. There stood the hungry wolf. He opened his great mouth and showed his great fangs.

“Please don’t kill us!” said the pigs.

The wolf nodded. With his great jaws he snapped their arms and legs. Then he ate the hands of each pig, cauterizing the wound with coals from the fireplace.

He ate them slowly, over the course of weeks.

For they had run and hidden and begged when they should have fought.

When at last they died, the pigs thought their suffering was done. But the boat took them to Greythor. There stood Feklahr. He opened his great mouth and showed his great fangs. He snapped their arms and legs and began to eat.

Be brave. Be honorable. Or you shall find yourself on the table of Feklahr.

Three Little Pigs

Once upon a time, a mother pig had three little pigs. When it came time for the pigs to leave home, their mother urged them to go and become great warriors for the Empire.

The first pig was lazy. Instead of making his own bat’lith, he chose a bone as his weapon and did not practice his forms.

The second pig was lazy as well, but he managed to whittle a piece of wood into a bat’lith. He also did not practice his forms.

The third pig was industrious. He forged a bat’lith of finest steel. He trained himself to exhaustion everyday.

One day the Big Bad Wolf Chief and his Warhost, came to conquer the pigs. The pig warriors gathered to give battle to their eternal enemies.

The third pig saw his brothers there, one with a bone and the other with a flimsy wooden bat’lith. He felt great shame at the dishonor they did to the fellow warriors and the memory of their mother.

He struck them down as they stood, and the other warriors nodded in agreement. What good is a warrior who is not prepared? Better that they die here then have these unworthies die in glorious battle and join them in Sto-Vo-Kor.

Death is quick. Dishonor is forever

What would a Klingon fairy look like, anyway?


BIG spikes.

Aaaaaaallllll over. :wink: :smiley:

Big deal, that describes everything Klingon. :smiley:

I guess my point is that, because I found the original Klingon Fairy Tales very amusing, I wouldn’t have disrespected the writer by hoisting it up for display and saying, “I could’ve done this so much better.” I mean, if you’re going to apply yourself creatively, why not put it toward your own idea? It could even entail, y’know. Klingons.

I already began and contirbuted to “Things Klingon Parents Tell Their Children.” some time ago.


The Tale of the Ugly Duckling.

Once upon a time, a young swan came to be among a nest of duck hatchlings.
Being much larger than they, and different looking, he was held in derision and ridiculed by his nest mates.
“Respect me, and do no laugh, or I will kill you all where you stand! Er, swim! Right here, right now!” he cried.
Seeing that he was a danger to them, the ducklings quickly pecked his eyes out and ate his intestines while he yet lived.

The Moral: Do not make your enemies aware of your plans.