Happy Feaster, everyone! As everyone knows, Feaster is the secular holiday celebrated on the Monday following Easter Sunday, when all the holiday-themed chocolate is marked down.
I gots me the candy eggs. I gots me the chocolate eggs. I gots me the eggs with the weird yolk-resembling sugary mucus inside that you don’t even know what it is. (Oh, it’s “creme.” Right. Obviously. That’s wonderfully appetizing, Cadbury.) Jelly beans, marshmallow carrots. I am positively laden with incomprehensible ex-pagan solstice symbolism rendered in saccharine form.
However, I admit that I have historically been reluctant to indulge in that most iconic of Easter sweets: the chocolate rabbit. I am not sure exactly why this is-- after all, I am happy to eat actual previously live animals, so gnawing on a cartoon version sculpted out of partially hydrogenated vegetable oil shouldn’t present a problem for me. Maybe on some level, the inevitable hollow center reflects the painful disappointment and hollowness of my own wretched existence. Or maybe it’s just the notion that, to somebody out there, chocolate rabbits are no doubt the furry equivalent of those pornographic novelty cakes. Whatever the reason, I avoid them.
But this year I am saved! Saved, I tell you! For the local grocery store is awash in a confection EVEN BETTER than chocolate rabbits! I refer, of course, to CHOCOLATE CRUCIFIXES. Yeahhh boyee!!! Even now my spirit is engorged with the lecithin-emulsified grace of Christ the Redeemer.
Admittedly, much as the communion wafer is indifferently palatable compared to other baked goods, the Holy Chocolate Crucifix of Our Lord is somewhat questionable judged purely as chocolate. But such is the miracle of transubstantiation. Surely the mildly gritty texture embodies the strength of faith, or perhaps the bones of saints or something. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s best not to think about it too much.
Lo, I am a goddamn cocoa butter-fueled Catholic juggernaut! Vampires and demons be warned! Fear my wrath, for I am righteously stoked on a diet of sweet, sweet Jesus.