A lot of people would say the Republican party is self-destructing lately. They are making disastrous decisions not only for the course of our nation, but inexplicably for their own political survival as well.
We know better, don’t we? Yes, the Great Gay Liberal Jew Pinko Green Democratic Conspiracy web has been spun, the stick goo of moral revulsion has been freshened, and one key Republican after another is trying to shake his foot free. Way to dangle that Cajun boy-meat in front of Mark Foley, Governor Blanco. Nancy Pelosi, great job on Duke Cunningham!
This all started a few years ago when we were able to surrepticiously cpllect a sample of Karl Rove’s DNA. We dared not clone him, fearing the velociraptorlike creature that might develop, but we were able to use his stem cells to stiiffen the spine and silence the consciences of our own political operatives. Now it’s Payback Time.
We’re going to mandate gay sez on every church lawn.
W’re going to put the Congressional Page program under the adniustration of NAMBKA.
We’re going to seal our borders to everything BUT illegal Mexican labor.
We’re going to surrender to terrorists and invite Osama bin Laden to be our new master,
You forgot the part where we’ll redistribute all the wealth to the welfare queens so they can buy new cadilacs. Nobody gets to get married anymore, everybody, gay or straight is going to have to be in a domestic partnership that includes a farm animal. Oh, free abortions for all, too!
Do we have any more tall buildings that need large modes of transportation shoved through them? The Sears tower looks awfully naked without a Greyhound trebuchet-ed through it.
What is this “Easter Sunday” of which you speak? Is is sometime near the Spring Fertility Festival, when thousands of Christian virgins get sacrificed, along with a few bunnies and kittens?
Well yes it is. Although it’s not just about killing Christians. Ok, maybe killing virgins, what are the contributing anyway? And then kiling a few bunnies, painting a few eggs and having a huge orgy in the fields. sigh We just don’t know how to have a holiday anymore.
Don’t forget that we can finally push our myth of evolution without opposition. Our “scientists” are ready to go. Finally, we will be able to turn people away from the perfect truth of the Bible and towards our human-centered, hedonistic lies.
Then there’s the door to door gun-confiscation program, carried out by specially unwashed bongo-masters.
Promotion *in * the military exclusively for promiscuous homosexuals of any gender. Entry into the military will depend on references from ivy-league San Francisco bathhouses (let’s always be generous and include NY).
Adults will wear mandatory Mao suits in fetching shades of grey, dark-white and light-black. Your Birkenstocks however can be any colour you choose and the day-to-day administration of the US is referred to a subcomittee of the UN’s ‘One World Government Board’.
The lentil-based national vegetarian program will occasionally be supplemented by tofu after all farm animals are released to the wild and the national language becomes esperanto.
You are so right! It’s time to broaden our horizons.
I am formally announcing the launch of a new civil rights organization, PETV, People for the Ethical Treatment of Vegetables. Will have shamefully killed billions in the most barbaric ways.
Next comes Mineral Rights. I’m working on a Manifesto now.
The next Secret Manifesto will introduce an initiative to crossbreed humans with orchids, in order to produce a race of pseudo-epiphytes which can survive on nothing but air and water. You heard it here first!
(I can hear the anguished cries now: “CAN’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE AIR???”)