Andy, DARLING! let me (us? ) ask you something. Do YOU get asked out by men on a regular basis?
NoooOO? Okay then!! We DO. A strange man who waltzes up and asks us out, or for our phone number most likely will NOT get a number or a date.
NOT because we’ve decided in that (to you) magical 5 seconds that we won’t date him, but because for a lot of us, we do NOT date strangers. Period.
In other words to us, the “askee” you are more likely to ensure getting turned down if you don’t get to know us a bit, than if you ask as a stranger, so you’re not really “separating the wheat from the chaff” as you believe yourself to be doing. What you’re really doing is narrowing the field for yourself. As more women will say no to strangers than they will to someone they know somewhat.
I did not have to go out of my way to spend time with them. I got to know them in that context, and our partnerships grew out of that context, complete with ready-made topics of conversation and central facets to the relationship.
to be that you date people that are like you are. I am making no judgement that this is inferior and, if it seems implied to you, I am sorry.
??? Then how did I get so many dates??? Why did, when I took the time to get to know someone I had few dates but when I started asking out virtual strangers I was dating often???
You’re not LISTENING to us. YOU are not a woman, so you are wrong in generalizing about how we would act in any given circumstance. If you want to get and have dates, it would behoove you to listen to those of us who say “yes, or no” to guys. It would behoove you to listen to what turns US on, not get your info from “buddy movies”.
And you are also wrong in that I would give my number to a “cute” guy. Excuse me, but Ted Bundy was “cute”. So no, I wouldn’t.
And no, “most of us” would NOT give our numbers to strange guys, not if we’re smart anyway. (that is not to say that some women will, and it’s not to say that sometimes that turns out to be perfectly okay).
Just because doing so (giving out our number) wouldn’t end up in us being axe murdered or something heinous doesn’t mean it might not end up in an annoying “clinging vine” that can’t take no for an answer.
We don’t give our number to strangers because we’d rather not take a chance.
That does bring up an interesting idea though. If you (a guy) are interested in a girl to whom you are a stranger. The best way (and the way that makes us feel safest and understood) is to give her your number, along with a short speech like “I know that in this day and age, women are rightfully concerned about their safety, If you’d like to go for a cuppa (or whatever) give me a call”. Then gracefully exit.
This from a “I’m a woman and this is what would get ME to say yes” standpoint.
You say I am generalizing but you are also generalizing!
It doesn’t matter that I am not a woman. I’ve DONE this and my experience doesn’t match with what you are saying should have been my experience. Unless society has changed drastically over the last 10 years it should still be viable.
Now, it’s not like you waltz up to some strange woman and ask her out. You start talking to her. If she’s not interested, it will be very apparant. You don’t ask for her number then. If she’s interested, it will show and then you can ask after a few minutes of small talk. Now, a few minutes doesn’t sound like much but when talking with someone you haven’t met before, it is a very long time.
What you don’t seem to be getting is the difference between “know well enough to GIVE out one’s phone number” and the guy being a complete stranger.
A girl doesn’t have to have been traumatized to be intelligent enough to not hand out her number to a strange man that asks for it, just smart and savvy.
When we say “get to know someone” we are NOT saying become best buddies forever and ever before you begin to date. We mean know someone at least well enough to even know if you want to give them your phone number.
Again, yes it’s true, we generally know the “not dateables” right off the bat. But the “maybes” take us much longer to define and decide upon.
Yes, society has changed pretty dramatically over the last 10 years. I have dated fairly recently and I’ve even dated online and flown across the country to meet people (So it’s not like I’m some sort of traumatized “chickensh*t” or something).
I have definitely withheld my number in all cases until I got to know someone well enough. Most times the men gave me their number.
I would wager to answer your question about why it (meaning your “new” dating method of just asking) worked this way:
You had, prior to using your “new” method been and probably acted shyly. Then when you hit upon your “new” method, you sort of “no longer cared” you were just asking “just to see”.
So likely you exuded much more confidence, and confidence is a turn on. You were no longer giving the potential rejections “power” over you.
So it wasn’t so much your method as your changed attitude. Had you conducted your “old” dating method with the same “I don’t care what happens” attitude I bet you would have gotten similar results.
Well, if a strange guy asks you for your number, and you think you might like to go on a date with him but you’re uncomfortable giving your number out, you can always ask him for his number.
And to answer your Dopefest question, Andy–Yeah, it’s a get-together of Dopers. Look in MPSIMS. Usually someone in a given area will decide to organize one and post a thread about it.
CanvasShoes brings up a valid point. In fact, it’s greater than that since I went on quite a self-improvement kick also. I think of everything I did, it was more the elevator shoes adding 3 inches to my height that did it but maybe it was the confidence that was greater.
I still stand by what I say though. With all the self improvement I still think it wouldn’t have changed much unless I changed my method.
Green Bean, thanks for the info. I would like to make a Dopefest and will keep out an eye.
Also, IMO, when a woman asks for your number, she is rejecting you. You will never hear from her. I would give my business card which has my cell phone number but wouldn’t expect to hear from her. I never did either.
Come to think of it…giving my card out was probably bad! There are many crazy women out there!
As to the one regarding giving a woman your number.
1.) I did not say when she asks for it. I gave scenarios for the man offering.
2.) Offering his number based on YOUR own statements of “a man can tell if she’s interested”.
Hmmmm…I can think of someone who both of us and jeevgurl know who would benefit greatly from this bit of advice…any ideas on helping pound it into his thick skull when I get home?
There is a fine line to be trod here, though; some women can be creeped out by a guy who comes on strong very quickly. I, for one, need to reach a certain comfort level with someone before giving out my phone number, especially if it’s someone who is otherwise a complete stranger and not a friend of a friend or something (although cell phones allow a certain bit of distance, because you can’t trace the number back to an address). Then again, maybe my caginess about privacy issues such as this is part of why I’m single.
I have been away for quite awhile but have started to read SD again. I, for one, would give out my cell phone number to cute and interesting guy assuming I’m not involved with someone. I’ve done it many times.
As far as the guy coming on strong very quickly, well, that’s something that can reduce a woman’s interest level. No question. But I’m not sure that asking for a phone number is necessarily coming on strong. There are several posters who seem to think that it is, and that a guy should take a lot of time to get to know a woman before asking for a phone number. I think the debate is really about how much time is too much time. There is the extreme that the OP seems to go to, which is to establish a friendship first and then try to shift it to a dating mode. Now, some of the female posters here have suggested that this is what they, subjectively, want or that it’s closer to what they want than a guy who asks for a phone number in the first meeting. andymurphy64 and I are basing our observations on lessons learned while observing and trapping females in the wild. (sorry about the hunting analogy, but since we’re the ones expected to make the first move, I’m standing by it.) Based on those experiences, we believe that a guy should not try and establish a “friends first” relationship with anyone he’s actually interested in romantically, because shifting that gear is difficult (not impossible, but difficult).
There could be a whole separate thread about how to approach a relatively unfamiliar woman to chat her up to get her to give out her phone number. I don’t think anyone seriously suggests that walking up and saying “Me BOY! You GIRL! Give me NUMBER!” is the right approach. (Although I suspect that Hugh Grant does this all the time.) But I think the central point that we’re trying to convey is that the date is where you should try to get to know the person, not the process of trying to get a date. Certainly you should talk to someone you’re thinking of asking out before actually asking for the number. Finding out some of the basics is good. If the guy has dealbreakers, I would also probe those areas up front. Subtly and lightly, but I would still probe. I suspect a woman who is approached by a guy who doesn’t fail her initial weed-out process will be doing the same thing. But this shouldn’t be a long, drawn-out process.
I’m at a Science Fiction convention. Dressed, as is appropriate at a SF Con, a little trashier than normal. I am strolling down the hall with a friend of mine and her husband.
An aquaintence of the husband approches:
He: “Hi John.”
John: “Hi, Bob. I don’t know if you’ve ever met my wife, Carrie.”
He: “Hi Carrie.”
(nods head in my direction, still addresses John).
“She taken?”
I’d suggest no one use this method for creating romantic interest. On the other hand, maybe if you try in ten thousand times, you’ll find someone responsive to the method.
Well, to be honest, it’s not the safest thing to do. Chances are he’s just fine, but a person just never knows.
To answer your question? No, you’re not a moron. But it can be risky. Yes, even just a cell phone. In this information age, just about anyone with half a brain can find out all kinds of personal information about another person with just a number.
Seriously, the best thing a girl can do if she’s interested is to ask him for HIS phone number.
I think some people in this thread are equating “get to know” with “being best buddies” and that’s NOT what we’re saying is necessary in making a potential date comfortable enough to give you her number at all.
I think that we’re discussing two different issues here. (sorry, that just now cleared my little blonde brain).
The first being the old “who makes better lovers than friends?” school of thought regarding relationships themselves.
The second regarding dating and “how well should a guy know a girl,” if at all, before asking her out?
When you’re talking relationship material? I stand by my 20cough ahem, some odd years in the old dating pool experience. I honestly believe that people who know each other well and are good friends make the best lovers, ONCE THEY BECOME LOVERS (your point re: “will women make that switch or not?” is well taken).
The dating thing… well, I think most of us, (and based on the recent entries by other women this COULD be a generational thing, though one would think that with the more dangerous “new age” the younger women would feel MORE unsafe than we OTDs…lol), feel most comfortable when we KNOW the guy. As in, as someone else mentioned, he’s a friend of a friend, or he works in the same building, or we know SOMETHING about him that allows us to feel okay about giving him our number, going on a date, etc etc.
Slight hijack, but not with a cell phone number. You don’t want to know what you can find out about someone with their phone number. (I realize I’ve just guaranteed I’ll never get a lady’s phone number, but better to warn the rest of ya.)
Really? Well that’s a relief! Though I could be mistaken I could have sworn I’d read a few stories about men getting info from cell phone companies and tracing their victims that way.
However, even if it IS truly safe, as someone else in this thread mentioned, there’s always the lesser and “merely” irritating risk of the (insert B movie scream here) AAAAAAAAAAGGGGH, “PEST that WOULDN’T stop Calling”!!! AGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
