I was just thinking about my first couple of serious relationships. While they didn’t pan out in the long run, I do feel like I owe these ladies a debt of gratitude.
Mainly, because, boy… was I ever clueless as to how relationships work. It’s almost comical when I look back on it. I’d like to share with you some of the things I had to be clued in on:
Car doors: It’s not enough to just open the door for them, you also have to wait for them to get inside AND shut the door.
Restaurants: It’s probably a good idea to let them order first.
Dirty socks go in the hamper and NOT on the floor.
Toilet seat down!
And the most clueless on of all: (TMI) Telling your GF that you pleasure yourself to pornographic images of women that resemble her is NOT a compliment.
(In my defense, she was always open to the idea to watching porn movies together. Alcohol was involved and I guess I got a little too comfortable with that notion. Luckily she thought it was funny but also told me that’s a little fucked up.)
So, here’s a hearty thank you to my GFs of the past. I’m sure my current GF appreciates it.
Now I ask: Ladies, did you have to “train” your SO?
My biggest problem with women is that they are sure they know what I’m thinking, regardless of what I say, and they expect me to know what they’re thinking, regardless of what they say.
I had a pretty stereotypical communication problem with my SO. If I had a bad day at work or I vented about something that upset me, he would rationally try to “solve” the problem. But most of the time there wasn’t a problem to be solved. What I really needed was a sympathetic ear - someone to say “That sucks, honey” and give me a hug. It was hard for him to understand the importance of just listening.
I’m female and completely not down with just listening to people complain. Once a month for 15-20 minutes, tops. To me, finding a solution is just much more useful. And if there is no solution, I’m only willing to listen for a little bit because it seems useless to me (I should also say that talking about something that made me angry just gets me angrier and angrier; I’d much rather leave it behind and avoid thinking about it). And it’s so hard for me (though I have always managed) when I’m thinking “the other person was right; you screwed up, so quit trying to blame him” from how they tell the story.
I first read this as “cat doors”. As in cat flaps. So, I was all confused. That’s not a lesson about relationships, it’s a lesson about cats. And if your cats can’t open the cat flap by themselves, you need to fix the flap, because you’ve clearly installed it incorrectly.
But car doors? Why the hell are you opening your spouse’s car door for her? Can’t she do it by herself? Do you pull out chairs for her, too? I mean, I get it if she’s carrying heavy bags in both hands. But that’s still not a lesson about relationships. It’s a lesson about humans, heavy bags, and cars.
Husband had never been taught how to clean a room efficiently. He would do things like start with vacuuming when there were still a lot of things on the floor to be picked up, or just pick things to clean at random without prioritizing (Yes, honey, the TV does need to be dusted, but given that we have guests coming in an hour and there’s a sink full of dirty dishes and three full bags worth of recycling that need to be gathered and taken out and I keep tripping on the toolbox you left in the middle of the floor last week, that MIGHT NOT BE THE BEST USE OF YOUR TIME. Darling.)
So yes, I did have to teach him how to clean a room. He sometimes still forgets, though.
Train an SO? No, I train dogs. If men don’t come trained they don’t get to come inside.
I can open and close a car door just fine, thank you.
Why? Just don’t order FOR them.
Since when? I throw my dirty clothes into piles of “should be burned” “needs to be washed” and “can be worn again” on the floor. Hampers are for wusses.
Never understood this one. If you flush the toilet without closing the lid, it sprays waste all over the room. Therefore, after anyone of any sex or gender uses a toilet, the lid needs to be closed for the flush. If you walk into a bathroom and find the lid and/or seat up, that means someone contaminated the entire room and you should be careful to not touch anything and throw out any toothbrushes you see and don’t use the towels.
Meh. Most of us don’t fear “contamination” to that extent. Everyone in my house has managed to avoid the plague and we keep the lid up most of the time.
close the lid before flushing, which takes no effort at all, and not get food poisoning? I can tell you’ve never had a noravirus. It’s kind of a life-altering experience.
I have joked before that if something happened to my husband (God forbid), that I would never marry again because I don’t want to train another one. On a more serious note, I think it’s more like I “coach” him on certain things in aspects of our life where I am more “in charge” or care about it more, or have relevant skills that he doesn’t. Preparing for a big holiday dinner where guests are expected is a good example. He doesn’t actually want to be the one responsible for planning and executing an event like that but enjoys the results, so accepts the “please do this like so” stuff pretty well.