Well, I’ve gotta reiterate that I’m with DtC on this one, as I so often am when it comes to family & relationship stuff. Seems like a tempest in a teapot to me, and I’m baffled by the idea that somebody would find such a comment hurtful. A faux pas, yes, but who hasn’t made those?
In fact, I could easily see myself (and I am a woman, for those of you who don’t know) making a similar faux pas, if I was a little drunk. I’ve been happily married for 22 years and I confess that I do, sometimes, think about other men while making love to my husband. Not always, and probably not even often, but sometimes.
For instance, I have a bit of a crush on Michael Shermer. So let’s say I’m rereading my copy of Why People Believe Weird Things, which has a particularly yummy jacket photo of Mr. Shermer. Let’s say I’m enjoying 5 or 6 Mojitos as I read the book (with frequent checks of that yummy jacket photo). I get a little buzzed and horny and, lacking access to Mr. Shermer, decide to take my husband to bed. As things progess, it occurs to me that, while Mr. Shermer is very cute and very smart, my husband is very good in bed. Mr. Shermer, however smart he is, may not be so gifted. In fact, Mr. Shermer will definately not be as good in bed with me as my husband is, seeing as how my husband has the benefit of years of practice doing it the way I like it. In a burst of Mojito-induced honesty, I blurt out, “Oh, baby – You may not be as smart as Michael Shermer, but I’d never trade you for him!”
And I’m pretty sure my husband would laugh, and hug me, and tease me about it for the next 50 years.
I had to read the OP twice to figure out why I should be offended.
I take for granted that my lover wants to please me and make me feel good. So I begin with the assumption that anything they say to me (especially while in bed, whispering sweet nothings) is meant to make me feel good, and if it doesn’t, then I am probably misunderstanding what he meant.
So no matter what the content of the drunken comment, the answer for me in such a situation would be A.
Also I understand that my lover (meaning, every lover I have and probably ever will have) finds other women hot too, and I wouldn’t get upset about it (let alone hold a grudge!). So I wouldn’t even consider that a malapropism, I’d say “thanks.”
I actually have a huge straight-guy-crush on him myself, so if I were your husband, we’d simply have a window-shattering tandem climax in which we both gasped the name of Shermer.
He’s quite a slut and a bit of a druggie, but I’m not sure if that makes him a jerk. He’s actually quite charming with the ladies. Except for some cheating, I suppose.
I think Kevin Federline and Britney Spears are a good example of my earlier opinion (bear with me). He seems to have a decent bone structure and is potentially handsome, but I find him quite repulsive because of his cheating, mild retardation, lack of talent, etc. Whereas many guys would still screw Ms. Spears despite her crap music, mild retardation, drunken exploits… until she got cellulite.
Well, I can totally imagine this happening with a recent boyfriend of mine.
I would smack him upside the head, inform him that it’s rude to think of other women while f**king me, and then get back to it. And then I’d make SURE he wasn’t thinking about anyone but me.
Really? Hmm…in the cases of the only two women I’ve had sex with enough times to get really familiar with, it became common. Not “every time” common, but more than 50% for sure.
I would think it was really funny. Afterward I would probably tell other people about it just to see their jaw hit the floor before they cracked up. (I love shocking funny stories!)
I would also be pretty hurt, even though I understood it was intended to be a compliment, albeit a drunken misphrased one. I probably wouldn’t let on about being hurt.
Do you mind if I turn the question around?
If your SO had told you (under similar drunk, hot, and heavy conditions), “You’re not as big as Joe*, but I’d rather be with you anyway,” how would that have affected you? Or would it have?
My guess is that some guys might be bothered by that sort of a (comparative) exclamation, but I honestly don’t know. What say you?
*random (apparently) endowed other guy, maybe even an ex
Very, very true. The main thing in the original post (and in my Michael Shermer scenario) is that the drunken partner was comparing the current partner to a hypothetical other lover, not an actual other lover.
I’m pretty hard to offend (as I think I’ve made clear), but I’d be darned upset and hurt if my husband ever said any variation of, “My first wife was really hot, but I still like you better.” Especially while we were in bed! “That Nicole Kidman is really hot, but I’d rather have you” – completely different.
I would laugh my ass off at the stupid-drunk level of funny inappropriateness of that comment. I would laugh so hard that I’d totally kill the mood and be gasping for breath when I tried to explain why what he’d said was so wrong that it was hilarious and kinda cute in its fumbling attempt at sexiness. I’d be unable to get to sleep easily because I’d start snickering every time I thought of it.
At least, that’s my best guess. I say that because of a “you said what?” experience - this isn’t exactly an “in the heat of passion” instance - where I was riding in the car, my husband driving, and we drove past a very fit female jogger wearing very body-revealing workout clothes. He said something like “Oh man, I’d like to have some of that.” I look at him with an expression rather like :eek: and I think I just said “Wha?” He looks back at me with an honestly confused expression and asks me, “What?” It’s then I realize - he actually did one of those “Whoops, that wasn’t my ‘inside’ voice?” goofs of verbalizing his thoughts. This starts me laughing at the absurdity and his innocent confusion, and of course now he’s even more confused. It took about a minute before I could repeat what he said, and he got the dawning look of horror followed by a rapid-fire babbling apology, with me just laughing and saying it was all right.
Very true. I’m trying to come up with a fair middle ground since I think Jess’s suggestion
is probably a little too pie in the sky to really sting. Although Katie Holmes may beg to differ.
Let’s make it clearly a fantasy with no possibility of previous intimacy with Joe. Joe’s the new guy in the office and he’s a total jerk. However he makes noticeably good use of his time in the gym.
Back in the bedroom, drunk, hot, heavy, your SO exclaims, “I bet you’re not as big as Joe, but I’d rather be with you anyway.”
No implication of intimacy with or carnal knowledge of Joe - it’s just a stupid drunk fantasy comparison.
I still think the penis reference is absurd (there is no relationship between physical stature and penis size, so no basis would exist for speculation). It’s also not something I have any insecurity about, so I would probably just laugh and tell her about the effect that steroids have on male junk.
