Ladies, how often does your SO do romantic stuff for you?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Married 16+ years, no children, which may or may not be relevant;

Cooks/cleans: never cooks, he’s a bit of a disaster in the kitchen and I want to keep my cookware, thanks. Cleans quite often, especially catboxes (yay!) and laundry.

Sweet romantic messages: left constantly, at least a few times a week, usually on voice mail or e-mail.

Small, thoughful gifts: pretty frequently, and not always the shared sort (scotch and chocolates). Books, little crafty jewelry things, etc.

Takes out to dinner: not often. Usually more of a pizza & wine at home thing, which we generally prefer to dealing with the ubiquitous televisions, and the screaming children of all ages that invariably take up residence next to our table when we dine out.
**
Surprise w/ flowers**: nope, asked him not to years ago.

Rub feet or back: he loves it, I don’t, so not an issue.

Do something I like but he doesn’t: That would be most of the time we go out. He’s more antisocial than I am. I’m usually the initiator when we do.

Big romantic occasions: See above - I’m the planner we do something like this.

22

So, about how many times a year does your guy:

cleans or cooks without being asked? His one and only regular chore is making the bed, which he does maybe 5 days out of 7. All other cleaning is mine to do myself or ask him to do. I’ve tried letting things slide until he can’t possibly fail to notice the pile of laundry or overflowing garbage, but it just doesn’t click. He does help fold the laundry if I bring it up while he’s watching TV and he usually jumps in to dry dishes if I’m washing. Actually, he’s pretty good about helping me clean if we’re both home and I start “big” cleaning. He’ll do the dishes or vacuum without being asked maybe 3 times a month.

leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)? Almost every day. It’s usualy just a quick “good morning honey!” text message after we both get to work, but sometimes it’s a cute note. We used to leave each other notes all the time, but our schedules are more similar now.

surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday? **Hmm, I don’t have a good number for this, but it’s fairly frequent. Something small like a magazine I like or cupcakes, my favorite beer, a part for my motorcycle. **

takes you out to dinner? There has to be some planning involved, so “I’m hungry and we both forgot to get groceries, so let’s grab some pizza” doesn’t count. **Never. We don’t split bills, so there’s no “taking” me to dinner, because it comes out of the joint account. We switch dinner duty each week, and allow ourselves 2 nights of takeout or dining out a week, so if it’s his week he picks and plans those. Our most expensive dinner out isn’t anything spectacular, it’s just sushi or the mildly pricey vegetarian restaraunt I love. **

surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?) 3 or 4 times over 7 years. I like flowers, but so do the cats.

rub your feet or back? (If you like massage)**He gave me a short back rub yesterday because I was cranky, but I usually have to ask and give one in return. Even then, sometimes he won’t do it. Honestly, he’s not that good at backrubs, so I don’t push it. **

do something you like, but he doesn’t ? Does he show some initiative: “Honey, I bought two tickets to the ballet” or does he go along grudgingly “Okay, Okay, I’ll go with you to that stupid ballet if that really makes you happy” . **There’s not much that I like to do that he doesn’t other than solo activities like sewing. He does come to parties thrown by a friend of mine that he dislikes without too much complaining, but I usually don’t bug him to go to those. We have similar taste in movies, but if there’s something I really want to see that he doesn’t, he’ll go with a good attitude. **

go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays? He threw me a suprise party for my birthday a few years ago, that was cool. When we first started dating, he planned a weekend trip to Windsor, I think that was for our first anniversary. We’re pretty broke, though, so expensive gestures aren’t really doable or even desired. I’d rather save for a house.

We’ve been together for 7 and a half years, living together for most of that, and married for one year next month. He’s pretty awesome, although he can sure get under my skin sometimes.

23

Ooh, can we do a thread on “The Peculiar Obliviousness of Dutch Guys” thread?

I nearly busted a gut laughing at a story told by a friend of mine wherein her husband woke her up by calling upstairs that he needed her a moment. She came down to find him up to his ankles in water and suds which were pouring out of the dishwasher, calmly drinking coffee. He did pour her one too, it must be said, so she could have it while she figured out what was wrong with the dishwasher. Or at least turned it off.

Dearly Beloved is sentimental, but not really romantic. I had many hard years in my marriage in which I expected him to read my mind to figure out what I wanted. Then I figured out that he really does want to make me happy but requires some instruction. Then I told him in operative terms what would likely work and he cheerfully undertook the task. It’s different for everybody: he really feels cherished/looked after/what have you if I make a hot breakfast – far more than if I make a great dinner. I would rather he remembered to take out the garbage and recalled whether this is a recycle week or a trash week than that he bought me presents every week. Really. I have enough to remember; I don’t want to remember that, too.

To your questions, then.

** cleans or cooks without being asked?*

Cleans, I would have to say never. Dearly Beloved is not neat in his habits. But I knew that going in, having seen wince his apartment. Cooks, not often enough to please me, as he is a far better cook than I am. Probably four to six times a year. More in the vacations – I am home during the day so I am home to cook

** leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)?*

Never, in the sense of a message with that purpose. He periodically sends me links and so on he thinks I will like but more often than not they have to do with some obscure subject in which I am interested.

** surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn't your birthday?*

More often than he gets me something for my birthday, as I don’t celebrate my birthday with anything beyond a telephone call. Neither does he. He does buy books he thinks I will like when he is buying them for himself, which is very nice as english language books are harder to come by.

** takes you out to dinner? There has to be some planning involved, so "I'm hungry and we both forgot to get groceries, so let's grab some pizza" doesn't count.*

Almost never, I am not wild about eating out. Eating out always requires planning here as it involves a babysitter. In general i would far rather that he made dinner (see above).

** surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?)*

Quite often in the Spring and Winter especially. In the Spring because they are for sale everywhere, and in the Winter because I find it depressing. But flowers are pretty cheap relative to the States.

** rub your feet or back? (If you like massage)*

He would love to, but I have no tolerance for deep massage and he doesn’t seem to know how to do it any other way. He starts at about the right pressure but somehow ends up with too much. So it just ends up hurting which I do not like.

** do something you like, but he doesn't ? Does he show some initiative: "Honey, I bought two tickets to the ballet" or does he go along grudgingly "Okay, Okay, I'll go with you to that stupid ballet if that really makes you happy" *.

He takes me to the opera about three times a year. He does not hate opera but isn’t wild about it either – he would never go but for the fact that I like it. However, I have been married far too long to put up with grudging. I expect to go to his faculty parties and so on (Dearly Beloved teaches physics in Delft) and I expect to be charming and pleasant and interesting when I am there. So I also expect that he will be charming and pleasant and interesting at a certain number of not-his-first-choice social things because I like them and for no other reason.

Besides if he doesn’t I won’t watch his fucking stupid Jackie Chan movies with him and simultaneously pretend to enjoy them.

We have worked out a “because I ask you” policy around here: a certain number of things we just do for each other because it is nice to do something for somebody you love simply because they want you to.

** go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine's day or birthdays? *

Last May he sent me away for our anniversary, does that count? Seriously, he arranged for me to go to visit my former college roommate and bestest girlfriend in Wales for the weekend. He planned it all secretly, no mean feat considering he did it all by email and he and I share an email address. Then he booted me out the door despite my protests that it was a very bad time and I had too much to do, firmly declaring that when you think the world will stop turning without you is exactly the time to take a vacation.

He has only done that one other time, though. I don’t need him to do it often, I need him to do it when I need it done. See?

We have been married eleven years (in May, but you knew that).

24

We’re about to celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary, been together for 11 years (lived together for 10+). I don’t have to copy the list, because my husband doesn’t do any of those things (and never has), except for occasionally enthusiastically going along with something he doesn’t really want to do but that I’m interested in. He does, however, work very, very hard so that I can stay home with our kids. He likes to talk to me and we often stay up too late because we’re chatting in bed, about everything from his work, to the kids, to politics, to whatever books we’re reading. People he works with tell me how often he brags about me. I’m happy of the level of “romance” we have in our relationship.

25

cleans or cooks without being asked? Rarely - he doesn’t typically notice dirt as soon as I do; he also doesn’t plan ahead like I do (i.e., I don’t like having to clean the kitchen before I use it again, so I’ll clean immediately after I’m done; he doesn’t think that way). He also used to have servants, so that certainly doesn’t help.
leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)? I wouldn’t say that he leaves “sweet romantic” messages for me, but he usually adds a little extra “I love you” or something along those lines.
surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday? I can’t remember if he’s ever done that.
takes you out to dinner? There has to be some planning involved, so “I’m hungry and we both forgot to get groceries, so let’s grab some pizza” doesn’t count. Rarely anymore - we have a one-year old kid who thrives on a regular schedule and on not sitting still for more than 15 minutes to eat.
surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?) Sometimes - maybe once every two to three months. Unfortunately, it’s usually after I start mentioning that flowers would be nice and say I’m going to buy some. I like flowers and I like the way they look on the table and I’m completely unoffended buying them myself. Kind of like if I want a new shirt, I’ll go buy a new shirt. I don’t have to wait for him to do it. But my husband considers it his duty to get me flowers and therefore dislikes it when I do it myself. Weird.
rub your feet or back? (If you like massage) He offers frequently but I don’t accept often. I’m really ticklish - both feet and back.
**do something you like, but he doesn’t ? Does he show some initiative: “Honey, I bought two tickets to the ballet” or does he go along grudgingly “Okay, Okay, I’ll go with you to that stupid ballet if that really makes you happy” . ** He’s pretty laid back - there aren’t a whole lot of things we don’t both like to do. So this doesn’t apply.
**go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays? ** He threw me a surprise birthday party when I turned 30 and did a bangup job proposing to me. So I guess once every year or two.
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26
  • cleans or cooks without being asked?
    I cannot imagine him cleaning anything. He will however, cook on occasion. For instance, I was out with some friends on Saturday, planning on fixing dinner when I got home, but when I called at about 5:30 to say I was on my way home, he had already fixed dinner for himself and the kids (he made enough for me, too). A couple of weeks ago when I napped on a Sunday afternoon, I woke up to find he had already started dinner and would have finished fixing it if I hadn’t gotten up in time to do it. So, maybe three or four times a year for the cooking. But I am sick a lot (chronic kidney trouble) and he always cooks when I’m sick.
    • leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)?
      Nah, not his style.
    • surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday?
      Well, he haunts second-hand stores looking for books, and if he sees one he thinks I’ll like, he’ll buy it for me. Last week he went to the market for something, and brought me home some steak because it looked really nice, was marked down, and he knows I like steak for lunch. I’d say probably six times a year or so he’ll bring me home a little something.
    • takes you out to dinner? There has to be some planning involved, so “I’m hungry and we both forgot to get groceries, so let’s grab some pizza” doesn’t count.
      Probably three or four times a year, he’ll say something like “I thought we’d go out to dinner tonight, just you and me” (the older kid who still lives at home is plenty capable of watching the younger for several hours).
    • surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?)
      I do like flowers. I think in the 22 years we’ve been together, he’s surprised me with them maybe four times. Now, sometimes, when I’m at the market, I’ll see a bouquet I like, and bring them home, and say “Honey, look at the lovely flowers you bought me!” or if he’s at the market with me, I’ll pick up a bouquet and say “Your wife would appreciate flowers” and put them in the cart. :wink:
    • rub your feet or back? (If you like massage)
      Anytime I ask. What he will do, on a related note, is if he sees me scratching an itch on my back, he’ll take over (without being asked) and give me a thorough back-scratching. Purrrrrr.
    • do something you like, but he doesn’t ? Does he show some initiative: “Honey, I bought two tickets to the ballet” or does he go along grudgingly “Okay, Okay, I’ll go with you to that stupid ballet if that really makes you happy” .
      He doesn’t ever take the initiative. But if there’s a movie I really want to see, but think I’ll need him with me (like when we saw 1408, I’ll just tell him I need him to go with me. He doesn’t mind too much, because I don’t do it often.
    • go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays?
      Hasn’t happened yet, but word on the street is that he’s planning a Grand Gesture for me for Christmas.

Mostly, the important thing is that he shows his appreciation of and love for me regularly. He’ll do things like send me a link to dictionary.com if he finds a word he thinks I’ll like. Just stuff. He’s not the romantic type, but plenty that he does shows that he’s thinking about me, and really wants me to be happy. He’s also very supportive of my hopes, dreams and endeavors.

We’ve been together for 23 years, married for almost 19.

27

Married 21 years.

If’n he wants a home cooked meal he does. Either him or my son. Me and my daughter don’t cook. I used to cook every single day until my kids turned about 16 or so. I then started working 2 hours away from home and that put paid to that.

Everything else on your list-- nope, nope, nu-uh, sheeya right, I wish, maybe watch HGTV and you gotta be kidding me.

We’re not a very romantic couple.

28

I think you hit the nail on the head regarding some guys are more romantic than others. It doesn’t mean they care more or less.

My husband and I are having many problems in our relationship. However, he is the most romantic partner I have ever had.

He brings flowers or unexpected gifts often. I get a card at my office every month or so for no reason other than to say he loves me.
He kisses me hello and goodbye even if he is going out to get milk and will be back in ten minutes. He will rub my feet or massages me whenever I ask and often when I don’t. He send suggestive text messages and cooks me very nice dinners. (He doesn’t have the means to take me out.) Even getting me coffee or bringing me a piece of pie while I am working at home without being asked.

However, romance isn’t everything.

We have been together 12 years.

29

So, about how many times a year does your guy:

[li]cleans or cooks without being asked? [/li]He doesn’t cook a lot, but he cleans and does yardwork all the time. Today was his day off and he spent it trimming a massively overgrown hedge in the yard and doing laundry. He is the primary dish-doer, and does make dinner occasionally.

[li]leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)?[/li]A few times a week.

[li]surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday? [/li]He comes home with little surprises for me every couple of weeks. He used to do it more until I got after him for spending too much money. I pointed out that being able to pay our bills without stress is the greatest gift of all.

[li]takes you out to dinner?[/li]We used to do this at least once a week, but we’re trying to save money. Now it’s closer to once a month. We do plan to have special meals together, even if it’s at home.

[li]surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?)[/li]Never, we’re both allergic!

[li]rub your feet or back? (If you like massage)[/li]Almost daily!

[li]do something you like, but he doesn’t ? [/li]He sometimes offers to do things he doesn’t like, but I try to avoid this. It’s hard for me to enjoy myself if I know he’s not having a good time. I’d rather be on my own and know he’s happily at home reading.

[li]go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays? [/li]I found out he’s been planning some things for my birthday since at least June. My birthday is November 27th.

We’ve been married a little over four years now, and he’s a very romantic guy.

30

**cleans or cooks without being asked?
**
All the time–a few times a week, probably. He’s much cleaner than me, although he does a few things that make me nuts, like leaving dishes in a big pile instead of putting them in the dishwasher, or, when I ask him to put them in, putting the plates down horizontally instead of vertically in the rack so I have to rearrange them anyway. He’s very sweet about cooking me food. Sometimes I’ll be lying around and not really doing anything, just not feeling like cooking, and will ask for food and he will go make me an omelet or a grilled cheese sandwich or something.

**leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)?
**
Maybe once or twice a month? He sometimes sends me emails from work/school/wherever just to say he misses me and wishes he was with me. More often, he’ll just forward me weird stories from the news.
**surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday?
**
Almost never. I like getting (and giving) gifts much more than he likes giving them, and it’s a point of contention, since I see it as romance and he sees it as materialism/frivolity. Hence, usually the small random gifts consist of food, maybe once every few months–he’ll bring me a piece of pie or cookie or something from somewhere. He tried to bring me a little jar of syrup from a recent business trip and it got confiscated at the airport.

takes you out to dinner? There has to be some planning involved, so “I’m hungry and we both forgot to get groceries, so let’s grab some pizza” doesn’t count.
We eat out a lot, so we both “take each other out to dinner” a few times a month, usually if one of us doesn’t have the appropriate cash to go Dutch.

**surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?)
**
Never. I like flowers, he doesn’t, for various reasons–allegedly killing the plants, the fact that they get brown and wither and have to be thrown away, and the pollen will supposedly give us allergies. :rolleyes: So I buy myself flowers whenever I want them. I wish he’d buy me flowers, but I’ve basically given up hope on this point.

**rub your feet or back? (If you like massage)
**
Maybe once a month, and it’s usually less than enthusiastic. He attributes this to me asking when he’s tired, or he’ll massage me for about a minute and then say his hands hurt. I know he just doesn’t really like to do it.

**do something you like, but he doesn’t ? Does he show some initiative: “Honey, I bought two tickets to the ballet” or does he go along grudgingly “Okay, Okay, I’ll go with you to that stupid ballet if that really makes you happy” .
**
I’m not sure how often this happens, or how often I actually ask for it. Maybe once a month? It’s usually grudging but unexpectedly sweet when he does this, because he’s usually really stubborn and won’t, say, go to dumb Hollywood action movies with me if he can help it, no matter how much I wheedle and cajole. However, after digging in his heels about it for about an hour, he did unexpectedly go to the zoo with me a few weeks ago. I asked him to go, he refused, I asked for a ride to the zoo, he said OK to this, and then, when we were in the parking lot, he started looking for parking instead of dropping me off at the gate. And a few weeks before that he went to a fabric/yarn store with me and waited patiently for a good hour or so before asking me to leave.

**go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays?
**
Two weeks? I don’t know if he’s ever done something that big. I’m not sure I have, either. But I was really moved on my last birthday (by something that may not have taken more than a few hours planning in advance). He was busy with meetings and said, up until the day itself, that he didn’t know if he’d be able to go out to dinner with me as I had requested. I was disappointed, but figured it was OK and we could go to dinner another night. He got home and said we should go out to the local fancy schmancy restaurant. “OK, we can see if they have any tables,” I said, because of course I thought we were doing this as a spur of the moment thing. Then we showed up and he said “I have a reservation, name of ____” and I realized he had actually planned this the whole time and called ahead for reservations. I’m sure for some people, this is par for the course, but it meant a lot to me.

Our six-year anniversary (of dating, not marriage) is this weekend. We’ve lived together for 5+ years. We haven’t planned anything fancy, but I’m sure we’ll do something nice. I’m definitely much more of a traditional romantic than he is, and I often wish for things like the gifts and flowers and backrubs, but we have so many little romantic moments that I think it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things–I love it when he makes me a grilled cheese sandwich, or grabs me and cuddles me, or gets all sentimental about weird little things (I gave away some ugly old pajamas to Goodwill recently and he got all sad and wistful because I used to wear them when we first started dating). It took me a while and quite a few tiffs to learn to appreciate some of these little romantic things, as I think my default expectations are set quite a bit higher and I would like more grand romantic gestures–a surprise weekend getaway! Flowers, just 'cause! Earrings and chocolates and a card because he thought I’d like them! But there’s always the good and the bad in any relationship, and I like the good things we have.

It’s hard sometimes if you compare yourself to other couples, like our friends who just got married–husband wrote and recorded a love song for wife; the only song I know of that my boyfriend has written about me is a song that goes “Someone somewhere [i.e., me] is baking a pie that’s made only with peas” but it continues along the lines of “What the hell kind of pie is that? It’s not even sweet.” Or another couple we know; BF went shopping with this guy and reported that he bought a $200 necklace for his lady friend for her birthday, among many assorted other gifts. They’re not married, they’re both students in their mid-20s. Though actually–it’s romantic when you think about it at first, and I felt all envious, but if you think more about it it’s actually not such a great idea to go around spending your tuition money on jewelry. My ex-boyfriend was similar, very romantic, and brought me flowers and bought me presents and such all the time. However, he was also massively in debt and totally irresponsible about his money. I prefer the current situation, which I guess is not very romantic of me.

I am holding out secret hope for some massively romantic formal proposal whenever we decide it’s a good time to get married. Like a relative of mine whose boyfriend bought her a baby grand piano because she had always loved to play the piano. When she sat down and started playing, one note was consistently off. “Why don’t you open it up and see what the problem is?” he asked. He had tied the ring to one of the strings. Her brother took his girlfriend to Paris and proposed to her on top of the Eiffel Tower. Awwww!

31

[ul]
[li]cleans or cooks without being asked?–Every day[/li][li]leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)–Every day[/li][li]surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday?–couple of times a year [/li][li]takes you out to dinner? There has to be some planning involved, so “I’m hungry and we both forgot to get groceries, so let’s grab some pizza” doesn’t count.–About once a month[/li][li]surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?)–petals from the garden in my pillow, when available[/li][li]rub your feet or back? (If you like massage)–Every day. He even bought a massage table.[/li][li]do something you like, but he doesn’t ? Does he show some initiative: “Honey, I bought two tickets to the ballet” or does he go along grudgingly “Okay, Okay, I’ll go with you to that stupid ballet if that really makes you happy” .?? We do things we both like. [/li][li]go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays?–Every couple of months [/li][/ul]

Please also list how long you have been together. It would be nice to know if honeymooners are more romantic then couples who have been together longer. Personally I think that some guys are just more romantic then others.

We’ve been together over 30 years. He’s a romantic, candle sort of guy. I wouldn’t even own a candle if he didn’t buy them. :smack: Life is good. :cool:

32

And I forgot to add the most romantic thing Mrsin does is wash my hair in the shower while he’s hugging me when I’m feeling bad. It’s just the nicest, take care of you thing I can imagine. :slight_smile:

33

We’ve been together 10 years, married 9. He’s the homemaker. He cleans 99% of the time and cooks 90% of the time. I used to cook more until he went all vegan on me.
He sends me sweet nothing messages on a multiple-times-per-day basis.
Not so big on the gifts, two or three times a year.
Ummm… we’re trying to cut back on eating out, so I couldn’t really say, but he did take me out to dinner last night to celebrate a work success of mine.
I buy the flowers most of the time, for him. Maybe twice a year he will buy me flowers.
Hmm. Stuff I like that he doesn’t, I do with other friends. And vice versa. In spite of the multiple-sweet-nothings a day, we’re pretty independent on that front.
Nothing on the big romantic front, but I don’t really want/expect that.

He does good. He does better now that when we were first married, and I expect I’m the same. He buys me jewelry voluntarily now because I impressed to him that it was something that did matter. Not debeers type jewelery, tiny little local artisan type jewelry. ‘Shiny trinket man chose for me’ is apparently hardwired somewhere in my brain. He brings the shiny trinkets and doesn’t make fun of me for wanting them. I buy him cute things that show I paid attention to what he likes/wants. It’s all good.

34

We’re engaged and have been together for a bit over 7 years.

cleans or cooks without being asked?
He earns the money and I do the housework, so only when I’m sick.

leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)
About once every couple of months. Every note/call/email has “I love you” in it, but that probably doesn’t count.

surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday?
Early on in the relationship maybe once a month. Now very rarely - but to be fair, that’s my fault. When he got to know me better he realised how picky I was about gifts. I love the sentiment, but I’m difficult to buy for; so now he doesn’t get me formal gifts, although he does sometimes bring me home smiley-face candy.

takes you out to dinner? There has to be some planning involved, so “I’m hungry and we both forgot to get groceries, so let’s grab some pizza” doesn’t count.
Maybe a couple of times a month.

surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?)
I don’t really like getting flowers, so not within the last year or so.

rub your feet or back? (If you like massage)
Almost every night.

do something you like, but he doesn’t ? Does he show some initiative: “Honey, I bought two tickets to the ballet” or does he go along grudgingly “Okay, Okay, I’ll go with you to that stupid ballet if that really makes you happy” .
Very often. If I’m in a bad mood or feeling a bit blue he’ll be the one to suggest the activity. I don’t think he’s ever refused to do something with me - which is now making me feel guilty because I’ve been dragging my feet about watching The Simpsons Movie with him.

**go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays? **
Can’t think of any occasion he’s ever done this - he’s not really a big gesture kind of person. *Two weeks planning? * Who has the time? :eek:

35

Married 12 years:

* cleans or cooks without being asked?  All the time, household duties are shared.  Bathrooms - I think twice in twelve years, but cooking - he does most of it.

* leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)?  Almost never, we aren't that type.

* surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn't your birthday?  I hate gifts.

* takes you out to dinner? There has to be some planning involved, so "I'm hungry and we both forgot to get groceries, so let's grab some pizza" doesn't count.  We have kids, but when we get rid of the kids, we go out to dinner.  The idea that "he takes me" is sort of funny - he uses his credit card and I pay the credit card bill.

* surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?) Almost never.  On occation he has and its "who replaced my husband with Folger's Crystals?"

* rub your feet or back? (If you like massage)  When needed.

* do something you like, but he doesn't ? Does he show some initiative: "Honey, I bought two tickets to the ballet" or does he go along grudgingly "Okay, Okay, I'll go with you to that stupid ballet if that really makes you happy" .  Usually a few times a year - its usually a sushi restaurant.

* go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine's day or birthdays? We aren't the romantic type.  He did give me one hell of a 40th birthday party, it wasn't necessarily a romantic birthday party.

One of the conditions in dating we made 14 years ago was there was no “obligatory romance” - no one expected flowers, or got flowers because they were expected. Anniversaries are generally not to be a big deal. You can always say no to nookie. We’ve stuck to that pretty good, and I think are pretty content in part because of it.

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So, about how many times a year does your guy:

cleans or cooks without being asked?

All the time. He cooks 90% of the meals. He does the dishes and vacuums on a regular basis. He also does his own laundry and even does mine once a while. He will also do all the errands alone if there is some reason I can’t go with him.

leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)?

Nothing romantic but he calls me at work every morning just to tell what his plans are for the day, he hopes I have a good day and I love you.

surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday?

He has never surprised me with any gift but he did cook the entire Thanksgiving meal since it landed on my birthday. We had only been dating a little under three months.

takes you out to dinner? There has to be some planning involved, so “I’m hungry and we both forgot to get groceries, so let’s grab some pizza” doesn’t count.

Never. I love his cooking so I would rather have that.

surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?)

He has never gotten me flowers.

rub your feet or back? (If you like massage)

He has never rubbed my feet or back but then again I really don’t like that.

do something you like, but he doesn’t ? Does he show some initiative: “Honey, I bought two tickets to the ballet” or does he go along grudgingly “Okay, Okay, I’ll go with you to that stupid ballet if that really makes you happy”.

I really don’t want him to do something that he doesn’t like. We have some different interests and I like it that way. It gives us both time to do things we like and get some alone time as well.

go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays?

He never has planned anything. Most of the things we do are spur of the moment and there is really nothing romantic about it.

We will be together two years September 4th.

I really don’t get into all the romantic hoo haw so we fit well together since is not a romantic guy. The things he does for me are more on a day to day basis and I think that is more important. We are both just ourselves and so far it has worked out great.

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** cleans or cooks without being asked? **

Cleans - rarely without being asked. However he is the chief cook in the house and cooks dinner almost every night. So I don’t mind taking up the mantle of the cleaning. I just insist he clean up his own desk, though, since he doesn’t like me to move stuff there.
And he handles all the finances, since he has that head, and I am grateful that’s off my plate.

** leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)?**

What, like a note or a phone call just to say I love you? Considering he says it all the time and I know he means it, it’s not necessary. No, what gratifies me more is when he comes home and looks so relieved and happy to be home (his job is very stressful). When he writes me an e-mail and tells me that he’s having a hard day and looking forward to seeing me.

** surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday? **

We don’t have kids so we buy things for ourselves all the time. I don’t need a “small, thoughtful gift”, I just say, “Hey I really want X, can we afford it?” And then if we can, I get it.

** takes you out to dinner? There has to be some planning involved, so “I’m hungry and we both forgot to get groceries, so let’s grab some pizza” doesn’t count.**

We take each other out to dinner. It’s our joint money. About twice a month.

** surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?)**

Probably 3-4 times a year. Always on my birthday & Valentine’s day, and then other days just because.

** rub your feet or back? (If you like massage)**

Whenever I ask.

** do something you like, but he doesn’t ? Does he show some initiative: “Honey, I bought two tickets to the ballet” or does he go along grudgingly “Okay, Okay, I’ll ** go with you to that stupid ballet if that really makes you happy” . **

We have very common interests and the stuff I like he doesn’t I do with someone else, usually. But he’ll watch the occasional Indian movie with me. I don’t really ask him to. I don’t want to force him to do stuff he doesn’t like; what good is that.? I’d rather do stuff like that with people who appreciate it.

** go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays? **

Well, he did plan the entire Montreal trip. But we don’t celebrate anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays too big. Especially anniversaries, I couldn’t even tell you the exact date - we’re not married, so what does it matter? Birthdays - I just ask for what I want.
We plan trips together yes, and do stuff together.

I guess most of this stuff seems weird to me. I’m his partner in life and his other half. He doesn’t constantly need to be wooing me for the rest of my life. he simply needs to make it clear that he’d rather be here than anywhere else, no matter what we’re doing, and he has made that eminently clear over the years.

**Please also list how long you have been together. **

10+ years.

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[li]takes you out to dinner? There has to be some planning involved, so “I’m hungry and we both forgot to get groceries, so let’s grab some pizza” doesn’t count.[/li]We are married and have shared finances, so one of us can’t really take the other out to dinner. (I’m male, and she’s female, if it matters)