Ladies, how often does your SO do romantic stuff for you?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I don’t know about you, ladies, but I vaguely feel a bit taken for granted by my fiancé lately. So I’m just trying to determine if I have cause for complaint, or cause to congratulate myself.

So, about how many times a year does your guy:
[ul]
[li]cleans or cooks without being asked? [/li][li]leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)?[/li][li]surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday? [/li][li]takes you out to dinner? There has to be some planning involved, so “I’m hungry and we both forgot to get groceries, so let’s grab some pizza” doesn’t count.[/li][li]surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?)[/li][li]rub your feet or back? (If you like massage)[/li][li]do something you like, but he doesn’t ? Does he show some initiative: “Honey, I bought two tickets to the ballet” or does he go along grudgingly “Okay, Okay, I’ll go with you to that stupid ballet if that really makes you happy” . [/li][li]go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays? [/li][/ul]

Please also list how long you have been together. It would be nice to know if honeymooners are more romantic then couples who have been together longer. Personally I think that some guys are just more romantic then others.

Guys, feel free to start your own thread. :slight_smile:

2

A Guy Responds:

[ul]
[li]cleans or cooks without being asked? (Weekly, now daily that Sophie’s in school. Actually, my wife never cooks for me, so half of the question is moot.)[/li][li]leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)? (Not very often - but then, we say “I love you” or some variant at least 20 times a day).[/li][li]surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday? (Once every couple of months)[/li][li]takes you out to dinner? There has to be some planning involved, so “I’m hungry and we both forgot to get groceries, so let’s grab some pizza” doesn’t count. (We eat out a lot, so this isn’t that big of a “romantic” thing with us)[/li][li]surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?) (3-4 times a year)[/li][li]rub your feet or back? (If you like massage) (multiple times, weekly)[/li][li]do something you like, but he doesn’t ? Does he show some initiative: “Honey, I bought two tickets to the ballet” or does he go along grudgingly “Okay, Okay, I’ll go with you to that stupid ballet if that really makes you happy” . (Often, but not all the time.)[/li][li]go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays? (I don’t know about the “two weeks of planning” thing (I tend to be more efficient than that), but I’m a pretty good gift-giver. Yesterday was our 13th anniversary and, for a present, I bought both Laura and Sophie matching double-heart necklaces. Laura was a SAHM who’s daughter just entered school and mommy misses her little girl terribly. So I bought the two necklaces, telling Laura and Sophie that the hearts signify their love for each other and that when they wear the necklaces they’ll know the other one is close. They both loved it, in that “crying” way you ladies have ( :wink: ). [/li]But it didn’t take me two weeks to come up with the idea! More like the time it took to drive to the mall. :wink: )
[/ul]

3

Here’s mine:

[ul]
[li]**cleans or cooks without being asked? **Maybe twice a year. But in his defense, he is one of those guys who still doesn’t notice dirt long after it has become an eyesore for me. [/li][li]leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)? Not after the first six months. He does say sweet things back if I say them first, though. “Love you” “I love you too”. He does sometimes send me something along the lines of “Hey look at this!” when he has found something funny on the Internet. [/li][li]surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday? Hasn’t happened since the first date, now two years ago. [/li][li]takes you out to dinner? There has to be some planning involved, so “I’m hungry and we both forgot to get groceries, so let’s grab some pizza” doesn’t count. Never, except that one time he got a buch of chic restaurant coupons from his boss. [/li][li]surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?) I don’t like flowers, so that’s a moot point. [/li][li]rub your feet or back? (If you like massage) He often says he will, but he never gets around to it. [/li][li]**do something you like, but he doesn’t ? ** The passive variant, maybe once in two years. We both prefer in such cases to go alone or with someone else.[/li][li]**go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) ?**Never, so far in two years. We have gone on two “normal” vacations since we’re together , but we’ve planned those together. [/li][/ul]

He’s an excellent listener though. Always prepared to listen to me, always patient, always responding and always remembering relevant things I told him before. He shows extreme patience when I nag and whine, PMS induced or otherwise. I just sometimes feel I would nag and whine *less *if he put in a *little *more romantic effort.
Together two years, moved in together six months ago.

Everybody, please be specific. Words like “Sometimes” “Not very often” or “every once in a while” means very different things to different people.

4

No current SO. Answering for my bros:

Middlebro. Married for, uh, has it already been 7 years come November? So over 14 years together. Her dad has ALS, so her parents are living with Bro, SiL and The Nephew.
Pre-parents in, he’d do things like take into account her tastes when shopping for groceries; for entertainment he actually overdid it: she didn’t know he liked action movies until they’d been married for two years! Yes, he does like chick flicks… but bang-bang-BOOM too!
Now, her mother has actually made a point of telling them to get some “us” time; Bro told her he was perfectly happy to do this but she also had to do it occasionally. She’s taken over a lot of the housework (you try to stop her).
I know Bro does things like put a dash of a perfume she likes on his wife’s pillow when he’s put clean sheets on the bed. She’s very picky about her tastes and terribly… pre-planned. If you bring her an unexpected gift, she actually complains about it because you know, it wasn’t in her plans. So he can’t do that. But he does sometimes send a SMS saying “love you” or get the kid dressed while she’s in the shower (which is quite a feat given how short a time she takes to shower).

Lilbro doesn’t officially have a girlfriend, but the reason he doesn’t have one is that Carmen don’t wanna. Heck, just yesterday Mom told me about the 22mo Nephew telling her “Unca 'Ame com’ere! To see Ca-ama!” when they were close to her office. He takes her advice into account, calls her when he sees an ad for some cultural activity he thinks she’ll like… no “romantic” stuff because like I said she’s said no repeatedly - but if she ever gave him a yes and added “actually, I never told you this but I love pink stuff”, she might wake up and find her bedroom painted pink. I wonder how much of the “no” is in how he’s phrasing the question, really.

5

Just out of interest, OP, how often do **you ** do things like this for your fiance?

I only ask cos I’ve been guilty in the past of accussing my (now) husband of not doing this sort of thing, only to realise I’d also stopped doing it too…

6

I’ll post that when a guy starts a pendant thread to this one. :slight_smile:

As for the things in the OP, I still do them all far, far more then my fiance. But I have to admit I gradually stopped doing them after the first year, when I felt I didn’t get much in return. Part of deepening our relationship is also talking about what is really romantic effort and what is meddling: if I buy my fiance clothes, for instance, he only appreciates it if it is really, really his taste. Otherwise, he feels he is doing me a favor by allowing me to buy him something I like to see him wear.

7

Oddly enough, that’s not a defense in my house, even though I’m blind in one eye!

8

Well, I’ve been married for about a year, and we’ve been together as a couple for 5 years.

* cleans or cooks without being asked?

**My husband does the vast majority of the cooking, because he is allergic to everything in the world, and must prepare his own food separate from mine (though I often leech off of him because I am too lazy to cook.)

We share the cleaning, but his tolerance for dirt is much lower than mine, so usually he’s the one asking me to clean.**
* leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)?
Well, we e-mail and phone and IM each other a lot, and it gets cutesy often, but as far as ‘‘I’m leaving you this message because I love you and only because I love you,’’ no, that doesn’t happen. We have other stuff going on.
* surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday?
Almost never. He’s told me before that he’s thought about it, but money wouldn’t allow. I used to do this frequently for him, but usually it dawns on me that he would rather save the money than get a gift.
* takes you out to dinner? There has to be some planning involved, so “I’m hungry and we both forgot to get groceries, so let’s grab some pizza” doesn’t count.
When we go out to dinner, we each pay for our own food, unless it’s my birthday or something. Some exceptions: last week I had a difficult job interview, and he took me out to dinner that evening just to help me wind down.
* surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?)
Almost never, not since our first date. Out of all the things on this list, this is really the only one that makes me a little wistful.
* rub your feet or back? (If you like massage)
Practically every night. It’s not fair, I should do it as often as he does. But usually while we’re watching DVDs I’ll lay down in his lap and he’ll rub my back.
* do something you like, but he doesn’t ? Does he show some initiative: “Honey, I bought two tickets to the ballet” or does he go along grudgingly “Okay, Okay, I’ll go with you to that stupid ballet if that really makes you happy” .
We like the same things, and neither of us are particularly picky. If he’s not feeling something at a given time, we do it another night, and vice-versa. We always decide this together. I would never expect him to do something he didn’t like–if he’s not into something, I’ll just go do it with someone else.
* go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays?
When he proposed to me, he collected all of the e-mails we’d sent one another during the first three months of our relationship, while he was studying abroad in Spain. They made two volumes each 2’’ thick. Having these is really an absolute treasure–from the start of our friendship to well within the first year of our relationship.
Honestly, with all due respect, I am a little concerned as to the nature of the OP. Do you really expect your marriage to be one big romantic whirlwind of him buying you flowers and excitedly attending the ballet? I don’t think either person in a romantic relationship should have to put on this show 24/7… the heart of a relationship has nothing to do with any of this stuff. The most romantic thing my husband ever did for me was leave work and wait 7 hours in a hospital waiting room for me to be admitted, even though all he got to eat was a box of apple juice.

And the most romantic thing I’ve ever done for my husband does not belong in this thread, because it’s really a rather disgusting memory–but believe me, it wasn’t buying him flowers.

9

[ul]
[li]cleans or cooks without being asked? Regularly; it’s become more or less “his job” since he was downsized and I was the breadwinner. But even before that, we split the household chores; it wasn’t “woman’s work.” He’s been in charge of the laundry since we first moved in together and we discovered that he was pickier about it than I was.[/li][li]leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)? Not really, but we are very touchy-feely-schmoopy most of the time anyway; I think this would be truly gagworthy overkill.[/li][li]surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday? See below[/li][li]takes you out to dinner? There has to be some planning involved, so “I’m hungry and we both forgot to get groceries, so let’s grab some pizza” doesn’t count. See below[/li][li]surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?) See below[/li][li]rub your feet or back? (If you like massage) Not into massage, but he will volunteer if I have pain or something like that.[/li][li]do something you like, but he doesn’t ? Does he show some initiative: “Honey, I bought two tickets to the ballet” or does he go along grudgingly “Okay, Okay, I’ll go with you to that stupid ballet if that really makes you happy”. We don’t really have any of these things that one loves and the other hates. We’re pretty much in sync.[/li][li]go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays? See below [/li][/ul]

See, for the last several years he’s been underemployed and so has very little money for “grand gestures” like flowers and fancy dinners. But we’re not the stereotypical couple with “his stuff” and “her stuff” as far as interests and romantic favors; we enjoy being together even just to go to the grocery store (we’re the ones sneaking a quick smooch in line), and we do little nice things for each other all day, every day. So we don’t need to make up for everyday “neglect” by doing stereotypically romantic things. He shows me how important I am to him by keeping my closet full of clean clothes and the cupboards full of clean dishes, sneaking up on me with a smooch for no reason, wiggling his fingers at me with a wink from across the room, being my “roadie” when I’m selling my handmade jewelry, tossing me a chocolate from the stash, and taking care of hundred little tasks not because I nag him (I don’t) because because he knows they have to be done. And vice versa for the things I do “for” him. We’re always showing each other our appreciation.

So Valentine’s Day, anniversary, etc., we might give each other a card and/or go to dinner, etc., but it’s not a big production because we “take care” of each other all year.

We’ve been married 17 years, and if anything we’ve become more romantic over the years, though as I say above, in the “little things” ways than in champagne and roses. We just grow more and more into each other a time goes on.

10

•cleans or cooks without being asked? A few times a week. He’s actually a much neater person than I am, and a better cook (and I’m pretty damn good!) He does all of the laundry. He usually does a load or two every other day or so. I probably do a load of laundry once a month, if that.

•leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)? Once a week or more. We IM each other pretty much every day while at work. We say ‘I love you’ many times a day, and he always ends every voicemail or email with ‘love you.’

•surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday? Just about once a month. I’ll come home and there will be a gift for me sitting on my computer desk. It’s cute. Last gift was a couple of books he thought I’d like. I did.

•takes you out to dinner? A couple of times a week. And usually breakfast or brunch on the weekends.

•surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?) 3 or 4 times a year – the usual – birthday, anniversary, V- day, some kind of accomplishment. I still have my birthday flowers in my computer lounge. An arrangement of mostly Stargazer lilies, which I have told him in the past are my favorite. Either he remembered or he lucked out, but either way I adore them. (And him.) :wink:

•rub your feet or back? (If you like massage) If I ask him, he’ll do it. I only ask a handful of times a year.

•do something you like, but he doesn’t ? We happen to like mostly the same things. There have been a few concerts or movies or events that I’ve wanted to go to that he didn’t, in which case I just went without him. I wouldn’t really expect him to do something he didn’t want to do just because it’s something I like.

•go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays? 4 or 5 times a year. Surprise trips, weekends at bed and breakfasts, dinners at fancy restaurants, series tickets to the symphony, and a lot more. I plan things for us to do as well, but they’re never really a surprise to him, like many of his plans are to me.

We’ve been together for 7 years, married for 4.

11

I’m a guy, but I will answer. We’ve been together for nearly a year and a half, we don’t live together.

**cleans or cooks without being asked? **

Me: All the time. I would say that unless we are going out, I typically cook. Often I drive to Jefferson City (30 miles), get there before she is off work, cook her a meal that is almost ready when she walks in the door. I would say at least once a week, sometimes 3-4 times. Also, she is very messy so when I visit, I typically have to do her laundry, dishes and pick up things around the house as well as take out her trash.

Her: Once a month or so. She offers to pay for dinner quite a bit, but I think she feels I am the better cook.

leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)?

Me: Less now, but I would say at least several times a month, sometimes as often as once a week.

Her: Once or twice a month on occasions, sometimes a month goes by with nothing.

**surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday? **

Me: Often if you count flowers, a card or a surprise dinner. I don’t buy her jewelry and such, mostly because I don’t have loads of cash. I am a poor student.

Her: Not too often, Once or twice since we have been together.

takes you out to dinner? There has to be some planning involved, so “I’m hungry and we both
forgot to get groceries, so let’s grab some pizza” doesn’t count.

Me: At least once a week.

Her: Rarely if ever.

surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?)

Me: At least once a month, sometimes a couple or several times.

Her: Never, but I would think it would be weird to have a girl buy me flowers.

rub your feet or back? (If you like massage)

Me: At least 5 minutes every time I see her. I swear sometimes I think she takes it for granted and she is always talking about how sore she is and how this Petella sticks out more than her other one or some other PT talk. (I think she is a hypochondriac and gets it from her job as a Physical Therapist)

Her: Once since we’ve been together. Mabey two or three times, but I have forgotten about them if so. The one time was like 10-15 minutes of Myo-Facial (sp?) release or something sounding like it. (I’ve never asked her how to spell it, sorry)

**do something you like, but he doesn’t ? Does he show some initiative: “Honey, I bought two tickets to the ballet” or does he go along grudgingly “Okay, Okay, I’ll go with you to that stupid ballet if that really makes you happy” . **

Me: I watch movies with her I wouldn’t have any desire to watch, but she refuses to watch movies that I like but she doesn’t. I do kind of complain about things I don’t like though. For example, Her mom is coming out this weekend and they wish to go dress shopping. Her Dad is coming and she wants me to hang out with him (keep in mind that when she goes shopping it isn’t for a couple hours, typically all day). He is very quiet, very religious and we don’t share much in common. I am pretty quiet around people like that, so I just know it is going to be awkward. I told her I would do it, but I had a bad feeling it was going to be a bad day.

**go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays? **

Me: Uhh, two weeks planning for something really romantic? I guess If I had money and her work was more flexible, I would plan a retreat or something, but what else is there? Plan on buying her a present two weeks in advance? I can do that. In fact, I would say that I am planning on buying presents for her Birthday, Anniversery, Christmas and Valentines day nearly a year in advance each time! :wink:

12

I think Mr. Del and I are very much on the same page on this sort of thing, and together, our preference is probably for less than the norm:

**cleans or cooks without being asked? **
He does things like making the bed and doing the dishes. I don’t quite consider this romantic, I call this “being a grown up and taking care of the house in which you live.” Our general approach is that the person who is pickier about how the chore is done gets to do that chore.
leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)?
Almost never, which is definitely my preference. If he is leaving me an actual message (the plumber called and he’s going to be late), he does always end it with “I love you” or something like that.
**surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday? **
Very rarely, but I am a hard person to do a surprise gift for. He does often (once a week?) surprise me with candy or other treat if he sees something unusual or different, this is great.
surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?)
No flowers, the cat eats them and then vomits.
rub your feet or back? (If you like massage)
I don’t like massage.
**do something you like, but he doesn’t ? Does he show some initiative: “Honey, I bought two tickets to the ballet” or does he go along grudgingly “Okay, Okay, I’ll go with you to that stupid ballet if that really makes you happy” . **
No initiative, but he’s always willing to do things. He’s very easy going, so there aren’t many things he doesn’t like. If he really doesn’t care to go, he will say so politely and reasonably.
**go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays? **
I would probably lose my mind if he made these sorts of plans without me – we like to plan things like these together. I would actually be a little hurt if he didn’t involve me in these plans.

Okay, these answers make me sound like a freak! But we are very well-matched and do other things for each other that we think are romantic.

13

We’ve been going round about this very subject lately. We’re closing in on 8yrs of marriage, been together for over 10 now.
The things you list are nice, but many of them are hard (expensive? depends on your budget) to keep up over time.
What has been making me feel like I’m being taken for granted is a lack of listening/attention. I wanted my husband to listen to the answer when he asked how my day was. To remember that I said I had somewhere to be Thursday evening. To make eye contact with me now and then over the dinner table instead of scarfing food and popping up to do dishes. To kiss me goodbye in the morning in a manner that would be inappropriate for one’s mother.

Also, nice gestures like footrubs/backrubs become irritating when they only ever surface as a solicitation for sex. How about rubbing my back because you’re being nice and not because you want to get some?

It started to feel like we were room mates, or like he considered me a substitute for his mother - someone to share the housework/bills with while leading completely seperate lives (he lived at home as an adult for mutual financial benefit). It seemed after seven years, he figured I’d just always be there so he didn’t have to work at being emotionally connected. Unless he wanted laid. I remember my mother having the same complaint in her marriage somewhere around 10yrs.

When people say marriage is hard work, I used to figure they meant the big things - sticking together through financial difficulty, being supportive of a sick spouse, managing careers and household, etc. Now I think it’s more about the subtle things - maintaining a loving connection on a daily basis. Not becoming complacent. It’s more about the water slowly erroding the canyon than it is the tornado that carries the house away.
I’m not proud of how I handled my frustration, but it worked. After being open and communicating my problems with our lack of communication/closeness several times and getting nowhere, I cut him off for over two months, making it very clear that I had no intention of sleeping with someone who didn’t act interested in me as a person. *That * got his attention.

14

So, about how many times a year does your guy:

*cleans or cooks without being asked? Maybe once every three months.

*leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)? He has exactly once over 11 years.

*surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday? Once or twice every couple years.

*takes you out to dinner? There has to be some planning involved, so “I’m hungry and we both forgot to get groceries, so let’s grab some pizza” doesn’t count. Exactly Twice over 11 years.

*surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?) I think twice over 11 years.

*rub your feet or back? (If you like massage) Never.

***do something you like, but he doesn’t ? Does he show some initiative: “Honey, I bought two tickets to the ballet” or does he go along grudgingly “Okay, Okay, I’ll go with you to that stupid ballet if that really makes you happy” . ** Never.

*go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays? Never

Please also list how long you have been together. 11 years.

15

God no! But I do wonder if I have the right to be a little miffed that he forgot to get me anything for my 40’st birthday, which is now two weeks ago. I threw the party myself, as well, although he invited some friends of his and helped a bit with the preparations.

16

See, that seems like a separate issue to me. It’s not ‘‘unromantic’’ to forget your SO’s birthday… barring financial difficulties or an agreement ahead of time, this is just plain shitty, and a good indication that he’s taking you for granted/ not paying attention AT ALL.

17

Guys, it’s not how often you cook; that only says something about how the regular tasks are divided. What I ask is how often you do somthing householdish that is extra; unexpected.

18

cleans or cooks without being asked? Once a month, maybe he will sweep or unload the dishwasher. He can’t cook.

leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)? Once a month maybe he will call ‘just to talk’.

surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday? Um, he’s never done that.
**
takes you out to dinner? ** Maybe once every three months. I don’t care to eat out so much, so he probably would do this a lot more if it were up to him.

**surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?) ** I think he’s done this 4 or 5 times in the whole relationship

rub your feet or back? (If you like massage) If I ask he will. I’m no so into it, though.

do something you like, but he doesn’t ? He would if I asked but I don’t like to make him.

go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays? He’s not done that, that I can recall, ever.

We’ve been married 3 years but I’ve known him for 10.

Gosh, that makes him look like a real heel! He’s not, though. This list is not things which are important to me. Also, (as far as planning things) he’s not confident that he will do the right thing, so he prefers not to.

Gals too - I’m not so romantic either. :slight_smile:

19

• cleans or cooks without being asked? All the time, but it’s not romantic, he’s just a neat freak who likes to cook.
•
• leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)? He gave me a nice card once or twice early on, but unless you still want me to count those, I’d say never.
•
• surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday? This he will do, to the point that I don’t express my wishes out loud unless I want him to go buy it.
•
• takes you out to dinner? Fairly often, but it’s just because he likes to go. I like it too, but I’m the thrifty one, so I’ll discourage him sometimes.
•
• surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?) Nope, I don’t care for them.
•
• rub your feet or back? (If you like massage) Frequently, but for only a moment! :frowning:
•
• do something you like, but he doesn’t ? He escorts me to the library every Saturday, but prefers to sit in the parking lot and wait. I really don’t want to be escorted every time I leave the house, but if I put up a fuss, he will let me go alone. So I mostly don’t make an issue of it.
•
• go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays? No, but I really don’t feel that much celebration is warranted for any of those occasions.
P.S. He does open doors for me, carry things for me although I’m perfectly able, and take me on nice vacations. :slight_smile:

20

cleans or cooks without being asked?
Maybe twice a month with cleaning. He can’t cook- we’re working on that- so no cooking yet.

leaves you a sweet romantic message (note, phonecall, e-mail)?

Couple of times a week just to check in and say ‘I love you’. We usually tag it on to any phone or email message, so if those count, it’s a couple of times a day.

surprises you with a small thoughtful gift when it isn’t your birthday?

Hm. He bought me a chocolate bar that I liked about two months ago. He really hates buying gifts. Christmas is panic-inducing.

takes you out to dinner? There has to be some planning involved, so “I’m hungry and we both forgot to get groceries, so let’s grab some pizza” doesn’t count.

Don’t think it’s ever happened unless we were both hungry and I didn’t want to cook.

surprise you with flowers (If you like flowers?)

I think twice. In eight years.

rub your feet or back? (If you like massage)
If I ask for it. Doesn’t happen spontaneously. I get backrubs about once a month. And reciprocate about that often.

do something you like, but he doesn’t ? Does he show some initiative: “Honey, I bought two tickets to the ballet” or does he go along grudgingly “Okay, Okay, I’ll go with you to that stupid ballet if that really makes you happy” .

Hm. We don’t usually ask each other to do things that one of us doesn’t like. He came grocery shopping with me last Friday (about the fifth time ever), which was a sacrifice. He didn’t whine. I don’t really like a lot of deeply girly movies, and the dance performance I go to are usually belly dance, which doesn’t require him to force himself.

**go out of his way to do something really romantic (that involves at least two weeks planning) for bigger occasions, like anniversaries, Valentine’s day or birthdays? **
I don’t think that’s ever happened. I’m the event planner.

We’ve been together for eight years, married for four and a half.