After reading through another thread, one of the many that discuss Nice Guys, I came upon a post by Ferret Herder:
So, naturally, the question “What is romantic to you?” popped into my head. A list of actions and events would certainly do fine, though insights into the underlying conditions and mental states of why certain actions and events are romantic while others aren’t make for more interesting discussion material.
What is romantic for me has changed a lot since I first started dating my husband.
In the beginning flowers and cards and things that said he thought of me when we were apart were sweet and romantic.
But now after 12 years together (7 married) and as we’re expecting our second child… romantic is coming home from grocery shopping to discover he’s arranged a babysitter and done the laundry so we can get some quiet time together.
The flowers that were so lovely would now get eaten and yakked up by the kitties. There is nothing romantic about baby’s breath mired in cat vomit!
I love it when my husband surprises me with something that I casually mentioned I want/want to do, but didn’t expect anything.
I think it’s romantic when there is a connection in your core values and your faith and dreams. When you know that you’re in it for the long haul regardless of the ups and downs.
No expectations of “whatcha gonna” get me for whichever holiday.
I find romance in small rituals that couples tend to create within their relationship. Things like he always makes and serves the coffee or she always sets his clothes out for work.
I think music is very romantic too. Having a song that is “your song” and hearing it by surprise throughout the course of your relationship.
Having code words that no one else understands, so you can leave a social situation or communicate to each other in a crowd.
A soft hand hold or touch with each other that validates your love for one another in an isolated moment.
Personally, I think romance is about being confident that you are worthy of being loved and allowing yourself to be loved.
Trinkets and objects exchanged are nice and cute tokens, but I think true romance is about respect and accepting each person as an individual that is imperfect, but always has the best of intentions. It’s about being in the moment with your partner and sincerely wanting to bring a higher level of happiness to each other.
I believe romance is a behavior and not an object. It’s felt when you look into your partner’s eyes and time freezes for an instant and you think in all of the madness, one thing is constant and reassuring.
Ok, obviously I could go on and on.
God, I love it when he laughs. A full and hearty laugh.
Arrgh-The hamsters ate my first first post but ** ladycarrie** aptly expressed what I was trying to say.
When I first met Mr. Zania, he was starving college student with extremely limited resources.
There was no way that he could cough up the change for a bunch of poesy’s or take me out for an expensive dinner.
Instead, he baked me bread and left loaves on my doorstep.
He cooked me great meals several times a week.
When he got the key to my apartment, he’d go in and clean up my messes when he knew that I was overloaded with classes or working.
I had men wine and dine me before and, to me, a dozen roses and a swanky restaurant just weren’t that impressive.
Mr. Z did concrete things to make my life easier and that bowled me over.
He genuinely paid attention to my needs at the time instead of following some stereotype idea on what women want.
I’ve been thinking about this because I just broke up wth a guy who said I wasn’t romantic.Basically because he wanted stare deeply into my eyes and tell me I’m beautful and I wanted to fuck till we couldn’t walk. And he wanted to give me stuff like a delicate gold chain when I wanted handcuffs.
And I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s the one who wasn’t romantic. Because what’s romantic is feeling paid attention to, like the person really knows you, or even better, really wants to get to know you. With him, I alway felt he was in love with some idea he had about me rather than me. And he didn’t really want to bother getting to know the real me.
And I think the idea of paying attention also relates to picking up on casually mentioned desires, and to knowing you’d really like to laundry done.
I didn’t read this till after I posted, but, yup, there ya go :).
Have to agree with the above posters - the things my boyfriend does for me that melt my heart are the things he could only know I like by paying attention. Generic “romantic” presents like flowers, etc. etc. don’t have much impact if they are impersonnel. Also, I don’t think a man can be romantic if it’s obvious that he doesn’t really like what he’s doing and that the only reason he’s doing it is so that he can get something in return.
And IMHO what almost every woman would find totally non-romantic is the opposite. Think of Andrew Dice Clay giving someone a box of sweets while saying, “I got you candy because I know all you chicks love that kind of crap.”
Something else I find very romantic is that he doesn’t sneer at the stuff only I enjoy. He has suffered through many more Saturdays than I can count watching Trading Spaces and never complains.
Romance isn’t really about grand, sweeping gestures, but it’s not little mundane things you do as a matter of course, either. It’s little, unexpected, “I did this just for you” things. The mix tapes DrJ made for me because he happened to hear a song that made him think of me, tres romantique. Making dinner for us before I head out to work, not really. Thoughtful and generous and kind, certainly. A tacit expression of love, definitely. Romantic, not so much, really.
Feeding and walking the dogs without being asked? Romantic. He’s…well, let’s just say he’s not exactly a dog person, so taking care of the mutts is something he does just for me. Cleaning the cat box? Not romantic, as fully half the waste in said box is from his cat, and he greatly enjoys my cat, too.
A dozen roses from the florist because it’s Valentine’s Day? Boooorrrinng. A single rose picked from a bush in the yard while mowing the lawn? Romantic. A package of pink marshmallow chickens picked up on impulse because I like the pink ones? Romantic.
So Betenoir, how you doing? 
Gee, I’ve never been a very romantic person. And what everyone here is calling romantic I would just call considerate and loving. But, my son is very considerate and loving to me, but I sure as hell wouldn’t say he’s being romantic!
Maybe I am so unromantic I don’t even recognize it when it hits me in the face.
Romance has far more to do with the spirit behind the gesture than the gesture itself, lor. I mean, my mom always makes sure the Peeps in my Easter basket are the pink ones because I prefer them, but it’s not romantic when she does so. It’s just her tailoring something she’s going to do anyway to my preferences. By the same token, my husband cooking dinner and making something I like isn’t romantic. He was gonna cook anyway, because he was hungry.
The spirit behind the gesture, and how it makes you feel, is what romance is all about.
That being said, there are some gestures that, regardless of the spirit behind them, are never romantic. Buying one’s wife a tape measure for her birthday is one of them. Kind, thoughtful, and tailored to her hobbies and personality, perhaps, but not romantic.
The thing that strikes me as romantic, and melts my heart is when a man teases in a way that tells me without a doubt, that he KNOWS me. Doing small things that show he has been paying attention. Like some others have said in this thread, it’s not about flowers or jewelry, or huge over the top fantasy stuff. In fact, I’m not much of a flower kindof girl.
The flowers thing isn’t really about the flowers anyway. It’s about the gesture, and it’s ESPECIALLY about the gesture if he sends them to you at work so all your co-workers can be [Scarlett O’Hara] PEA green with ENvy[/Scarlett O’Hara] (come ON girls let’s be honest, that’s a LOT of it).
I mean, maybe I’m a bit mercenary here, but flowers die. I’d rather have something tangible, or if not tangible, something that shows how much he CONNECTS with me.
Then there’s the thing that mine does, where he suddenly and without warning will back me against a wall and kiss me til my knees buckle. That would probably be my number one favorite.
What, Blalron? Are you saying you’re feeling romantic? 
Thank you ladies. If you don’t mind, here are some specific questions ;):
Suppose my SO’s name is Athena. If I buy her Rose Athena (that’s the name of a kind of rose, it’s white) on her birthday, is that romantic?
Writing poems for her. Is it romatic?
Doing little things that not only shows that I am paying attention, but I remember as well?
It all depends on what Athena’s like, whether it’s romantic or not. Does she like roses? Does she like roses but prefer pink roses? If she doesn’t like them, or prefers a different type of rose, then no, it’s decidedly not romantic. It’s exactly what we’ve all been warning you against: boring, untrue stereotypes of romance.
Depends on the woman, and on the poems.
Yes, usually so, although this can also be put down as more general thoughtfulness and consideration.
If Athena loves Athena roses and those are really important to her, then yeah.
Here’s a “for instance”. My boyfriend had a really cool computer book that I’d been reading over at his house when I stayed over, I’d mentioned a couple of times that I was going to go pick up a copy for myself.
For Valentines Day he comes to my office with one of those fancy gift bags, and in it is chocolate (and I really REALLY love chocolate, so he wasn’t just going “here I know you chicks like this crap”) and my very own copy of the computer book.
Geeky? I guess so. But Romantic? DEFINITELY. I mean, it had been a long time since I’d mentioned it, and I’d never hinted at him getting it for me, just said “oh, I’m going to go buy a copy of this”.
I like when my bf sends me naughty but cute emails, MUCH more romantic than a poem to me.
romantic…I loved it when my bf would hide sweet little notes telling me he loved me in places I would look in my everyday routine…and the sweetest thing I think anyone has ever done for one of my friends… he showed up with a dozen roses (yea yea typical) explained to her that he would love her until the last rose died. This slightly upset her thinking of the fact that they will die until she noticed that one of the roses was silk and would not even wilt. HOW SWEET.
I don’t expect anyone to buy anything for me…that’s too close to trying to show off or buy my love I guess…I just appreciate the sweet notes or maybe a meal that HE cooked for me with candles and all every once in a while any show of real appreciation…something cool is if you’re going to try to be sweet and buy flowers… I actually always hated getting roses cause it’s SO generic…I mean sweet that they cared to buy flowers but EVERY girl it seems gets red roses…why not ask or find out “what’s your favorite flower” mine happens to be white daisies…if someone showed up with a bundle of white daisies I’d love it because they took the time to find out about me…that’s the romantic part.
I guess it depends on the people involved, as I am seeing by the varied posts.
I think the remembering special things about your SO is a good thing…
My SO was a tree topper (climbed REALLY TALL TREES, and took out the tops or dangerous branches) One day, he came into my work and gave me a rustic birdhouse he bought, with a note about how he remembered that I wanted to learn to climb a tree like he did, and how when I climbed my first tree, I could take the birdhouse up with me and attatch it. Melted my heart that he thought of me and his promise to me!! (ps, I still havent gotten up the nerve to climb a tree, but I still have the birdhouse!)
On the other side of the coin, I feel very loved and special on the rare occasion that he brings me coffee in the morning…simple, yet touching.
Some of my most romantic moments through the years:
Being “kidnapped” by a Viking and taken to meet his parents who lived on an island overlooking the sea – after only one date.
Being married at the covered end of a small pier over a frozen lake on New Year’s Day. (Not the Viking!)
Chasing storms.
My husband’s reading entire books aloud to me – dozens of them.
Finding out from the Viking twenty-five years later that he had saved the shirt that I had loved so much.