I have a new girlfriend. She’s concerned in bed because I don’t have an ejaculation most of the time.
I’ve tried to explain that I like the feeling of continued erection (and continued intercourse). I would rather go for a long time with a lot of good feeling than a short time. I’m happy to have an ejaculation about every third time we have sex and don’t really care that it doesn’t happen every time I’m in her.
She’s concerned that she doesn’t turn me on (completely not true - please note the continued erection, dear) and has said, “But if you don’t come it’s not fun for YOU.”
I’ve tried to explain my preference but she seems to be bothered by it and keeps saying, “How can I turn you on?” and wanting us to work through the Kama Sutra in an effort to make me come. Which is fine, but I’d just as soon work through a page a week rather than trying to imitate 10 pages a night.
I’m worried that this will become a bigger issue as we spend more time together. I’d appreciate any suggestions for how I can better explain to her that I don’t have to have an ejaculation to have a REAL good time.
Thanks,
whistlepig
Disclaimer stuff:
I’ve always been like this. (I’m 44) I’m really turned on by the effects of “long sex” with a woman. And I’ve always liked a lot of foreplay.
Sometimes I can be quick as a rabbit. But it rarely happens except by masturbation or a lot of foreplay.
It’s not drug or alcohol related. I’m not using viagra. She’s so beautiful and sexy I don’t have to.
I ask to make sure that I’m not chafing her or causing soreness. Although today she did say that the reason she thinks she’s had a sore stomach this weekend is because we’ve been having so much sex.
You don’t know me, and I don’t really know whistlepig, but he’s always struck me as an honest person.
I’m a straight male, and have on a couple of occasions been involved with women who did not orgasm on every sexual encounter. When a guy first experiences this, it can lead to loss of self-esteem due to expectations that “she’s supposed to orgasm every time, or I’m not doing it right”. However, I soon learned that people are wired differently, and one shouldn’t expect the same reactions from everyone. Just because someone doesn’t climax sexually every time doesn’t mean that they aren’t enjoying the experience to the maximum amount possible.
The above phenomenon is well-known among women, and you’d probably feel negatively about a man who refused to believe it in spite of the overwhelming anecdotal evidence. You wouldn’t want him to judge you according to the number of orgasms that you had, so you need to accept that he’s having exactly the right number of orgasms for his own needs, if that’s what he tells you.
It may not be quite as common for males not to reach orgasm on every sexual encounter, but if your new boyfriend whistlepig says that it’s the case with him, and he gives you every other indication that things are fine with your sex life, then who are you to judge him? He says that he’s having fun; trust him on that – he has no reason to lie.
Most women would be happy to have found a man who doesn’t finish too quickly. Rejoice in your good fortune!
Tell her it’s a tantra yoga technique and that all in all, it beats hatha yoga all to pieces. Then get her a nice intro book on tantra and let her find out exactly how nice it is. As an extra signing bonus you may both live longer as well, who knows.
Nota bene: always stay one lesson ahead of your student, lest you be found out. If you are found out, you can always Watch, become Centered, and become aware of the Source.
Give her a week of sex where you come within 30 seconds and then roll over and fall asleep. After the week is over ask her to make a choice between the two regimes ;).
Whistlepig, my husband does the same thing. He rarely “finishes” when we have sex. In my experience (which is not limited), this is rare in guys and it took me a long time to accept that he is having as much fun as me. Keep reassuring her and hopefully she will believe you.
Just keep in mind that most people are a bit self-conscience when it comes to matters of sexual prowess. You learn all your life that something is supposed to be a certain way and when it differs, the mind starts up with “Is it me? Am I doing something wrong?” Thoughts like that take a while to overcome.
It happens to me every so often. My current sex partner loves to get to the point of orgasm and then draw back, over and over again. Like you I love it, long languid sex is great fun. Sometimes, however, she overdoes it and although I am enjoying myself all the while, I get to a point where I can’t orgasm. I will have had a great time but I am so tired that a cup of tea and a cuddle/fondle is more appealling than an orgasm.
Used to happen to me a fair bit. I went through a long spell (it was known as “late teens and twenties”) of not getting any at all regularly, or in some cases just “at all”, and the fact is that getting an orgasm from the vagina (when you’re used to the hand) is something that has to be learned. At least it was in my experience.
How long is this long session? I wouldn’t be so worried about the lack of orgasm, but I don’t think I’d want to lay there with him pumping me for 90 min. IMO, sex is best between 20-45 min.
I like to be finished in time to catch Law and Order and have a snack.
This was my thought too. I have been fortunate to have … um, “known” men like the OP. It was all perfectly wonderful, except that the usual cue for finishing up and watching Law and Order (if you will) was missing. So sometimes (often, in fact) it would go on much longer than I really would have liked.
I often wanted to interrupt the proceedings with a question along the lines of “Honey, if you are going to come in the next short while I’d be more than happy to take you there, but I’m getting a bit bored and if you’re just going to be doing this all night I’d rather stop.” But it seems there is no way of asking such a question without bringing an abrupt end to the action (“Well, fine, if you’re not enjoying it I’ll just stop”) - if there is a way, please let me know!
So that would be my only concern. Just be vigilant about whether she really wants you to continue and can’t think of a way to tell you she doesn’t particularly. That would be my only concern.
I wish I had your problem, whistlepig–that much less to worry about WRT pregnancy and (maybe) STDs, not to say that I wouldn’t protect myself, but I’d certainly be less worried!
How is the second result (the “abrupt end”) different from the desired result?
Great idea. I think a lot of men are under the assumption that longer in duration is better–and it isn’t. Once I’ve had mine a couple of times I start to dry up a little, I get sort of chafed, and I’m over it.
I must be too far into my relationship to want to spend hours lying in bed having sex and playing around, either that or I’m not a romantic–probably both.
Depends. If he’s going so long that she’s chafing, she’s getting little tears in her vagina, making STD transmission more likely
Because you tend to offend men when you say “are you done yet?”. Or you break them out of whatever internal rhythm/dialogue they’ve got going on and they lose their erections. The ideal result for me in that situation would be for the man to come to orgasm within the next few minutes - 5 or so, so that I could be quite satisfied we were both…satisfied. With the “abrupt end”, it’s usually not because he comes, but because he gets upset because he thinks he boring you. Me. Whatever.
As for the OP, good luck with that. I’ve had two men like you. One turned out to be gay, one was just incredibly self-centered. I’m not saying you’re either of those, just that my experience bore out my fears, so I have no good advice for you.
Great answers have already been provided. I’d just like to add this: my partner’s pleasure really is a big part of my pleasure, and if he’s really, really enjoying himself, I definitely want him to continue.
If he’s only kind of enjoying himself, or (worse!), if he’s only doing it because he thinks I want him to, then I definitely want him to stop.
[del]Whereas women, of course, welcome negative feedback and act upon it willingly and with no feelings hurt.[/del]
Really the solution is to handle this by discussion in between times, when everyone’s not quite so keyed up. That it should call for tact and sensitivity both ways should not surprise anyone.
I’ve only ever realy enjoyed one or two of countless orgasms I’ve ever had. I can recall fondly far more encounters with no recollection whatsoever of how groovy it was to end them. I think that a lot of wimmin don’t understand that, while they might be able to rate an orgasm on a scale of 1-20, a guy’s scale is more like 1-3.
Sure, it feels neat and all, but not nearly so neat as the even briefer and infinitely more memorable moment when you realize, “Hey! Sex is gonna happen!” A male orgasm simply heralds the end to the good times. Might be why it’s called a climax? Guys don’t often have the slightest hope of multiple or sustained orgasms.
This nails it. I’m gonna print this out and hang in in the bedroom.
Of course, it from some of the answers in here, sex is something to kill the 1/2 hour after cleaning up dinner and L & O, so maybe the misunderstanding is deeper
How is the second result (the “abrupt end”) different from the desired result?