My wife has had frank discussions, on occasion, with many of her female friends about her and their sex lives. Every friend she’s had such a discussion with has disclosed that they can have orgasms from vaginal intercourse alone. One of these friends says its difficult, but that it happens regularly for her. The other friends all claim it’s just a matter of course–vaginal sex == orgasm.
Now, all that I have read which I have trusted has led me to believe that orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone is difficult, maybe even impossible, for most women to achieve.
In trying to account for the fact of my wife’s friends’ testimony, I have come up with a few of theories:
Its just a coincidence: My wife just happens to have friends of a lucky and unusual category.
There is some heretofore rarely vocalized pressure on women to claim to be able to have an orgasm through vaginal sex. To be unable to do so, it is feared, is a sign of some kind of inadequacy. The ladies in question are afraid the inability is supposed to be embarrassing, and are afraid enough to lie about it. (All of this, recall, is just a theory. I’m not putting forth a claim. I’m asking whether something like this might be the case, as it would explain my wife’s experience.)
I’m wrong about the ease of orgasm through vaginal sex.
To the second theory, my wife replies that she doesn’t see why her friends would lie to her, and she herself doesn’t feel “in her gut” that there’s any such fear of inadequacy or pressure to lie attached to questions like this, for women. However, my wife is an exceptionally trusting person.
But I still wonder.
So, which of these three theories (or which other unlisted theory) would you think is most likely to be the correct explanation of the data I’ve described?
Actually – we should probably define our terms first. Who has vaginal sex without any other stimulation at all? If anyone does, why would they expect that to ring the bell before mister is all out?
Aven assuming the usual foreplay and change-ups, my GF rarely comes during penetrative vaginal intercourse without additional clitoral stimulation. Gotta have some digital stimulation at the same time, usually. When it can be managed, it’s only when she’s approached from an acute angle with the aim of rubbing the clitty as much as possible. This is a good work-around but dangerous because it can only be kept up for so long before it sets me off, too; a careful risks-benefits analysis is required for this strategem.
Definite TMI right here:
I believe this is so because my GF has a tidy little box with tiny little labia minora that you have to squint to find. (Heh.) During vaginal intercourse, some stimulation is ordinarily transmitted to the clitoris via the labia minora from motion further down. With her anatomy, her clitoris gets no benefit at all from the usual angle of approach – so naturally it’s difficult to come that way.
(When I had this conversation with her after she said she didn’t know why she had such difficulty, she rolled her eyes and said “Oh my god, you’re even a geek about sex!” I don’t think she minds too much, though.)
Maybe it’s you? It may or may not be, but it’s a little conceited not to even consider it a possibility. The question is if she could have an orgasm during vaginal penetration with any other man. If you need field testers…
I didn’t say that, nor did I ask whether, my wife is able to have orgasms from vaginal intercourse. This was not our concern in the discussion which inspired my post.
Please read the post again, a little more carefully.
Don’t ask me where I read it, but I’m sure I did and it said that about 60 - 70% of women don’t orgasm from penetrative sex. So, if indeed this is correct, there are still alot of women who can! Me being one of them - in fact, I have an overly sensitive clitorus and I don’t like it being stimulated directly. It’s all about body shapes and sizes.
There is definitely pressure (heh) to claim a vaginal orgasm. Until only the last couple decades, a woman was considered “frigid” if she couldn’t orgasm vaginally. Many books, even the recent book, A Round-Heeled Woman, promote that idea.
Add to that the fact that many men believe it to be so, and seek simultaneous orgasm through intercourse, there is plenty of incentive for a woman to a) fake it with a short-term lover b) lie about it in conversation with friends c) feel like a personal failure if she can’t come that way.
I have done all of the above, and was even made to feel “abnormal” by my first (four-year) boyfriend. I still run into guys expecting female orgasms from penetration.
Just for the record, I have no problem orgasming from clitoral stimulation.
Hm. I can climax from oral alone, but it is very mild. I can climax very easy with penetrative sex after an oral triggered climax, but I can not climax from penatrative sex without having climaxed during foreplay and the direct clit stimulation thereof. I hate a guy trying to make me climax a second time with foreplay as for some reason it really REALLY bothers me, and my body is craving penetration at that point in time.
female, 45 years old. only one time can I state that I categorically simul-climaxed with the man - all otehr times either I climaxed first, or he did and I didnt.
I think there’s a lot of factors involved with wether or not a woman can orgasm just from penetrative sex. It’s not only got to do with her body and the way things are placed and sized, but I think it has to do with the way her chosen bedfellow is shaped and sized.
So maybe your wife’s friends met dudes who could make them orgasm with penetration and they hung on to them. The other guys got forgotten about.
Me…it’s never happened. Don’t know that it ever will. Doesn’t bother me in the least - except you’re right that guys seem a little hurt and confused when you tell them it’s not gonna happen, and it may put pressure on women to lie about it.
I don’t think this is terribly difficult to figure out. Probably very few women can climax from penetrative sex with no foreplay or clitoral contact. Probably even fewer *never * climax during penetrative sex. If the position is right, and/or if she’s sufficiently aroused, why wouldn’t she? Also, I can’t speak for all women, obviously, but in my experience, orgasm from manual or oral stimulation of the clitoris feels different from orgasm during penetrative sex. The former is more intense and localized, the latter more or a diffuse, full-body experience (for me). I wonder if sometimes people don’t “recognize” one or the other as an orgasm.
FWIW, I’ve never faked an orgasm. I usually wouldn’t have to, and in the event that it wasn’t going to happen, I’m sufficiently comfortable with my partner (and have been with my previous partners, as well) to say “Not that I’m not enjoying this, but it’s not gonna happen, so don’t wait on me.”
I have never faked an orgasm. I didn’t start having sex until I was in my early 20s, so possibly this has something to do with it. Even when I used to have casual sex, I was still honest about it.
Yes, it’s possible that your wife’s friends are a statistical anomaly.
It’s also possible that they’re lying.
It’s also possible that at least some of them don’t know what an orgasm is, and assume that the (very good) feelings they get from vaginal penetration are an orgasm. I used to think what I felt for years was an orgasm, but it wasn’t. It was arousal. It was often, intense, very nice feeling arousal and friction and good feelings, but I didn’t orgasm until a few years ago with my first vibrator. The whole rhythmic muscle clenching waves of exstacy thing was a whole different ballgame from what I had been enjoying.
It’s sort of like influenza: there’s is no mistaking it once you have a real one, but it’s easy to assume you’ve had one when you haven’t. We don’t get that nice visual cue men do to let us know when we’ve “peaked”.
Now, as it turns out, I do now orgasm from vaginal alone, but they’re not the same feelings I erroneously thought were orgasms in the past.
I do. We’re still in the honeymoon stage of the relationship, only 3 months in, so we basically just jump each other. In previous relationships, this was not always true, but I’m in my mid 30’s, and I think that’s part of it. I’m like a 18yr old guy now.
I do have some conditionals-- I have to be on top for it to happen during, but I don’t need anything else except a guy who can go long enough, usually about 10-15 minutes. These days I guess I’m exceptionally easy to please, and pleased I am.
Having been on both sides of this (unable to orgasm without other stimulation, now able to), I think it sucks not to be able to have an orgasm during penetration. Further, for me, the orgasms during penetration are more satisfying, and are infinitely preferable to the ones gotten any other way, including oral and onanism.
I hate to perpetuate this “myth of the vaginal orgasm.” I do not think anyone’s orgasms should be considered inferior. It’s a silly idea, that one type of orgasm is “better.” Also, I do not doubt that for many women, it is a myth, if they don’t have the right partner, self-knowledge, hormones, or anatomy that allow it. I feel extraordinarily lucky to have what I have right now. It has not always been the case.