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Ask your partner what she wants.
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Then do that, dammit!
I think this is pretty simple, but then again, I’m not the one with the penis.
Amen.
Although, that being said, I have a lot more trouble articulating what I want in person than on this nice anonymous(ish) box that’s my bestest friend in the world. I’m working on that, really I am.
I just would like to know in advance whether a guy wants precise instructions, vague ones, or just wants me to lie there like a mannequin. (so that, in the last case, I can get up and leave) Some get offended when you dare insinuate that he doesn’t know how to fuck, even though that isn’t what you meant.
This is a great thread; but, for my emotional well being we need to keep it far away from the thread titled Should I tip the piercer? How much?
As I toggled over to get the link, I see that I have to rescue it now!!!
Too late by four minutes. See post #97:
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=438571&page=2
My pledge was I was not going to talk about my husband’s and my sex life but here I go. When we first started dating he did the “are you okay” thing. I was no virgin, and he knew that, but I had never had anyone , uh, play the mouth organ like he did. Hell, it was like pulling teeth to get get my long term thought-I-would-love-him-forever boyfriend to even try to go there.
Okay, so hubby to be gets funky down there and I go nuts. Nuts! And then he’d stop and say, “Are you okay”?. Jesus Christ I am hunky dorey, just keep doing that shit. Other boyfriends were humoring me and tongueing me around the lips but the hubs gave me the stroking I was needing. He was very happy being the navigator and I am a little ashamed for sharing this since I didn’t ask him if he’d like my sharing our love life.
Oh, I do. But I wasn’t born with ears this big!
Thank you for posting this. I really, truly laughed out loud that time.
Ladies, thank you for the valuable instructions and suggestions. I do my best to “keep the customer satisfied”, so to speak and make sure that I am careful about motion, pressure, angle and speed. I try to throw in the wiggle now and then and do my damnedest to not vary things when she is in the groove.
I will never stop trying. I’ll fight to end to make sure she is satisfied. I’ll change tactics, readjust my trajectory, alter my maneuvers just to make things better. And, if she still has not peaked I have, I will use every skill I know to get her there, lockjaw and tongue cramps be damned.
The difficulty AFAICT is that for men sex sometimes is like rubbing your belly and patting your head at the same time. We’ll be moving in and out, rubbing, wiggling, while simultaneously enjoying the sensations, trying not to finish too soon, concentrating on her pleasure and not getting leg cramps because we are in just the right angle to make her feel good. Guys are simple: motion+pressure=release. Women need multi-tasking acrobats.
This is why you print what you want out ahead of time on a laminated 3x5 card. This also works for emergency instructions (“In case of heart attack, choking, blunt trauma, etc, please contact…”), although I would not recommend storing them in the same place.
“Uh, this is Sergeant Cliff Dobbs, at the scene of the accident. The, uh, volunteer fire department seems to be, uh, tickling her feet at the moment and, uh, dancing to ‘Friends In Low Places’. Over.”
How about a one-use-only tape in a phone booth, with a selection of * X !0’s
“Good Evening Mr. Phelps. This is Virginia. Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to…
(details deliberately left blank)
…As usual, should you or any of your appendages fail in this mission, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of you or your mission. Good Luck, Jim”
“Nice, anonymous box” is everyone’s best friend. 
Bless you, dear. We all wish every man was like you!
My husband and I were discussing the relative degrees of difficulty of bringing men and women to orgasm. He said it was inherently difficult for men to understand the complexity involved in making a woman come, because “If you rubbed me with a cheese grater, I’d probably still get off.”
Oh, and I need to add some actual information, which totally contradicts the vulvar contact advice: There is such a thing as a G-spot, and it requires the opposite angular approach for stimulation. If you’re a relatively tall guy, and you use the doggy position, that’s about right.
So, once again - ask what she likes. We’re damn confusing.
I’m trying to have myself cloned to meet the demand!
My wife might be one of the rarities who gets off from vulvar stimulation. She likes my hands and loves my tongue but really gets off with penetration. And it has to be the real thing, not a meat substitute. We’ve tried a couple devices and she said it felt “artificial” even though I was doing other things at the same time.
Well if we’re going to jump on the jack hammer technique, why don’t we bring up the terrible “techniques” females employ.
1.) The Blow-to-Wank Technique.
Ladies, some of us men require more than pressure + motion so please, don’t start to jack us off once we’ve already started coming. Not only is it a perceived insult, it’s also a terrible feeling to go from the warm, wet mouth to the rough, tired hand.
2.) The Absolutely-No-Technique Technique.
Hey you there, girl that’s sitting there like a bump on a log while I do all the work, care to pass me the lube?
3.) The Assault-while-Orgasming Technique.
Okay, so you’re obviously having a monster orgasm right now, but could you please not smash my head into your vagina or violently grab my head while you are in the throes of ecstasy? I would be denied sex for a week if I held your head down on my junk.
These are just a few of the terrible, terrible things women do while having sex.
This made me laugh. I guess because I could picture it so clearly, which means I’m sure I’ve done it, though not intentionally.
I second the G-spot. FIND IT. It’s right behind the pubic bone; my SO is an expert at finding it with his fingers and informs me that it’s “spongy.” Just FYI.
A clitoral orgasm is a wonderful thing. A clitoral/G-spot orgasm can be mind-blowing.
And yet, as terrible as the things they do, they are still light-years better than no sex at all. 
You ARE going to let us know when this occurs, aren’t you?
I only sorta, kinda want to know…but, I’ll say anything to keep the penis away from the piercing.
Horrible idea for two reasons.
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The religious fundies are already in an uproar over sex education, can you imagine their rage if children actually started being taught sexual techniques? There would be a civil war. I am not joking.
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Please don’t make things any worse for the guys who aren’t getting laid! We desperately need for all those cocky confident guys who ARE getting laid in high school and college to be really bad at sex, so that when the rest of us finally start having sex in the late 20’s and 30’s (if at all) we aren’t light years behind the rest of society.
Hi. 
I’m not erie774’s clone, but I’m a quick learner and oh so flexible…