Ladies, what would you settle for in a man?

In My Humble Opinion
41

Between you and the Shirtless Wonder, I’d pick you. Without a doubt in my mind.

You sound so much more interesting (and cuter) than him. I hate sports (except badminton, but that’s a wimpy sport :)). I don’t like facial hair. Muscles are frightening and, if there’s a lot, repulsive.

You’re a good listener and you’re shy! Girls find that dreamy! (At least I do, and I know I’m not alone.) You sound really sweet and intelligent. The only thing I can find that would discourage girls is your lack of confidence, which I too suffer from. I certainly wouldn’t be upset if you emailed me.

42

No offence to anyone here who might be a punk, but all these new-wave punks I have seen are walking hypocrits.

43

If baggy clothes are your style then fine but DONT continue to buy them or wear them if the real reason is the added bonus. You are not covering up or hiding anything by going all-out baggy if you are scrawny. Now I know diddly-squat about what is in fashion or not and there is obviously an age gap thing when it comes to fashion but it strikes me you are perhaps not being honest with yourself about why you have adopted that look.

How about the next time you do buy something, take the different tack suggested. You have the final choice to buy what is suggested or not and meanwhile you will get some free and perhaps honest feedback. And better than asking lamely you mates if something suits you or not…

I’ve was 6’ at around 16 years old, and only cleared 140lbs when I got to 21 so we are share something here, including natural shyness.

You are going to have to make some changes my friend if you are going to work this issue through, just don’t change more than one or two things at once or else you’ll loose yourself.

The fact you are posting what you do, and are being so honest, suggests you are ready to take things in hand. Hold your breath and do something different. Tonight, it is Friday night after all. Don’t be a caveman out of the blue but try to interact with a girl once in a way you would not have done if you had not started this thread. Time to do some market testing me thinks!

Have a great night out!

44

Um, Soapbox Monkey, I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but there appears to be a golden opportunity right here where you’re trying out opinions and options.

::: looks around and wonders if anyone else has noticed :::

But aren’t a couple of young, attractive female Dopers attempting to sorta kinda get your attention? Perhaps establish a little flirting? I think you should hone your skills now, in this thread, therefore quelling some shyness, gaining a bit of self-esteem and maybe even making a potential friend (or something more?) or two. Just my observation.

Oh, and in actual answer to the OP… it’s all about the personality. I can almost be won over on any physical trait as long as he is kind, considerate, passionate and caring. The rest is simply icing on the cake. Yum. Icing.

45

What hopefool said. :slight_smile:

46

Yup, I would have gone for that too, when I was 19. I dug skinny, tall-ish (5’8" or taller), pale guys, especially blonds. Non-jock a plus since I wasn’t one. Smart a definite plus. But you have to show enough personality to get up the courage to talk to a girl, and keep talking to her. At your age especially, a lot of women might still wait for the guy to approach them, especially if they’re a little shy themselves.

47

I really wish I’d seen this thread when I was 19. Of course, when I was 19, I was at university, so it was different than high school.

48

Hey, Soapbox Monkey, you can get out of this. You do want to climb out, yes? You want to develop self esteem, so that if someone’s interested in you you’d believe them, yes?

Please do the following three things. They’re all pretty easy, in and of themselves, and straightforward.

  1. Reread what notquitekarpov said.
  2. Pick up the gauntlet at your feet and put it on.
  3. Go to your college’s student counselling center and ask for help on developing self esteem. (You’ve probably already paid for this with your tuition & fees.)

Speaking as someone who’s Been There, Done That, & Still Working On It, I assure you that you can develop self esteem. It’ll go faster with professional help.

49

what will I settle for.

You are asking what things about a do I not like, but am I willing to put up with in terms of the larger package.

  • chronic lateness
  • chronic messiness
    • the knowledge that he’s had previous partners
    • evidence of those previous partners
    • pornography usage
    • computer games til 2 in the morning when I’m trying to sleep

There are also things about my boy that I accept, but I don’t necessarily have an active dislike of these things, but they do deviate from what many consider to be the norm.

  • way less than GQ looks
    • beer belly
    • really short
    • dresses like 7th level DORK
  • geek in mind and body
  • always has nose in book
  • makes less $ than I do (actually, makes same, has dramatically higher expenses)
    What I will not tolerate is whinyness and a refusal to take action to make his situation any better. He complained about the beer belly, and I said he could come to the gym with me and work it off. He’s not allowed to tell me why he can’t work out, or change his diet. (He is allowed to try either and moan about it being hard though)

If you have a bad situation, you have to actually do something about it, just whining and giving reasons as to why you can’t or won’t is counter productive and a waste of your time.

50

At 19 I tended to fall for big hairy slightly overweight guys who were very good at something (pool, Elizabethan literature, engineering math, lying).

My point is not that big guys get the girls, but that lots of people are NOT physically attracted to current stereotypes of beauty.

Smart was usually pretty important to me.

Oh, do not drink too much get past your shyness; that is very seldom attractive,

51

Listen to what you’re saying Soapbox Monkey.

You’re 5’11". Well, that’s a little taller than average. The shirtless wonder may be a half a foot taller then you, but you’re a half a foot taller than me. Height is the number 1 physical attribute in most women’s minds. You’re in the clear here.

You weigh 125 ponds. Look around. How many fat guys do you see? Do you think women prefer lard asses? Would you like to look in the mirror and see rolls of fat? Being thin is a blessing, not a curse. So you don’t have a lot of muscle. So what? Do you want to be thought of as a muscle guy?

You look young. Wait a few years, this turns to an advantage. I’m 37 years old and I get carded in bars a lot. People think I’m ten to fifteen years younger than I am. I love it!

Your 19 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t panic over not having a girlfriend. You’re not “behind” in any way. I can totally understand that you are the kind of person who really craves the companionship of an intimate relationship. That’s the way I was. Just be yourself. Never pretend to be what you are not. Some gals will like you. I promise you this. Try to get to know more people of both genders. You will not like some of them. Too bad.

52

Nothing you’ve listed would’ve turned me off at 19, except maybe for the shyness. I don’t mind having to start the first conversation, but do you get over being shy once someone starts talking to you? If you don’t, and if you couldn’t keep up your end and act interested in talking to me, I’d write you off.

Self-confidence is really important. No need to develop a swagger; just act comfortable in your own skin. (As a formerly very shy and un-confident person, I can tell you that many of us grow into self-confidence with age.)

The rest of your description doesn’t sound offputting. You sound averagely attractive (unless you’ve neglected to tell us that you’re the Man Without A Face, or something). Most people don’t look like the ideals of beauty and have some things about their appearance they wish they could change.

Every guy I’ve ever been really attracted to has had a few physical “flaws.” What attracted me in spite of them? Personality. If you can learn to put the real you out there (i.e., get over the shyness), you’re far more likely to meet someone who’d be attracted to you.

I’m 26, and believe me, this is wisdom I’ve learned the hard way.

53

Soap , I’ve been following some of your posts for a while now, and you can’t keep doing this to yourself. I’m telling you (as is everyone else here), that you don’t need to fret, you’re doing “ok”. I was in your familiar place when I was nineteen, but I didn’t have a great message board like this to help me out and get me through (I made some funny mistakes along the way, and now they are some pretty good stories).

All this advice here is excellent, you just need to put it to good use. but before that, and most of all, you need to be comfortable with who you are. I’m not confident at all (this is by my own choice in philosophy), my self esteem is redline on empty, but I’m comfortable with the fact that I’m a decent guy with good intentions. and I accept myself being this way. This fact I can rely on and it comes through when I talk and meet new people.

Like a few people already pointed out, you already have good qualities… for an age of 19, that’s pretty impressive. you’ll become a lot more impressive as you get older.

Make sure you know who you are first, become comfortable with that, and the rest will fall into place. maybe not right away, but it will.

and finally, just to give you some breathing room, I’m 25 and I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’ve had a few false starts, but I wouldn’t classify things as getting worse, I think things are getting better as I progress.

54

Wow, I have to commend you. If I feel this way and I just turned 19, I’d hate to think how deep of a depression I’d be in when 25 rolls around.

55

I’m 23 and never had a girlfiend.
Where the shoot me in the head smilie when you need one?
I’m not repulsive or anything. Just shy around women. Although I’m shy, I’m the type that if you said something to me, I’d open up. I just never had the courage to initiate conversation, and on the small chance that I did, I run out of things to say. I need therapy. :smack:

56

That describes me word for word.

57

I can’t help you with minimum standards as I am male, but I do have a small bit of advice. A lot of what I’ve read so far is solid advice, but it’s not easy to implement. (i.e. reading books, seeking counseling, just doing it). Those are all well and good, but to a person who has admitedly low self confidence, they may be near impossible to carry out. I have a suggestion that you can just start small with.

When you walk, don’t look down. Look forward. You dont even have to make eye contact with everyone you see, but at least look forward.

When I was younger and more shy, someone told me something that really helped out. When you smile at someone, more often than not, even if they don’t know you, they will smile back. Do this. Even to strangers. When you are buying groceries, or just walking on campus, look up, and smile at someone if they see you, or you see them. It doesn’t hurt, and most likley they will smile back. This did wonders for me, and it’s not that hard.

The only thing you have to lose is a little bit of pride. And really, is that worth a whole lot right now? In other words, you dont have much to lose, and everything to gain.

58

Read a book, fercryinoutloud.

Read alot of them. Dosteovsky, Kerouac, Vonnuget, Hell even King… read!

Or you can take up watching sports or following politics or learning to cook or watching science documentaries or hell, play some video games!!

Watch as many movies as you can.

Try to keep up on the latest television programming.

From my experience, these things give you PLENTY to talk about. And don’t just try to meet girls. Try to meet people in general. If you make pals with some guy on campus, chances are he’s got quite a few female friends that you’ll eventually get to know.

And as a girl, let me tell you what skeeves me out like there’s no tomorrow… desperation.

If you’re chit-chatting with me, I want it to be because we’re discussing something interesting and you think I’m a cool girl. I want you to have your own set of friends and I just want to be a compliment to that.

If I instantly become the axis on which your world revolves, you can bet I’m about to get the eff out of dodge. That’s scary stuff!!

If you think I’m cute, come tell me! I know it seems HORRIFYING at first. But what do you have to lose?

What girl doesn’t like to hear that she’s cute?

“Hi. I saw you from over there and wow. You’re really cute. K, bye!”

Maybe you’ve cut off conversation at that point, because you’re nauseous and don’t know what to follow it up with anyhow. But chances are good that she’s gonna walk around on top of the world for the rest of the day and remember you the next time she sees you in passing.

Anyhow, you’ve got to put some effort into this, otherwise you may as well just learn to like being the lonely, misunderstood one.

59

malkavia, I agree with your suggestion to read lots of books. I may be dorky and emaciated myself, but I find that books give me tons of conversation topics, at least when I’m talking to smart, open-minded people.

Speaking of which, some of the best books in that regard are a series called “The Straight Dope” by some guy named Cecil Adams… I dunno if you guys have heard of him. :smiley: I fondly remember dancing with a girl at my junior prom, and suddenly saying, “Hey, do you know there’s a fish in the Amazon called the candiru that can follow a stream of urine up your urethra?”

60

Soapbox, you sound almost just like my boyfriend, only he just turned 21. The only advice I can give you is stop wearing the huge clothes – they don’t make you look bigger, they make ya look hungry. :slight_smile: