Ladies, what would you settle for in a man?

You’re shy and you want women to come on to you, right?

Real advice:

learn to make eye contact; this is a must

watch Nova on PBS; if astrophysists from MIT can come across as interesting, so can you

take up ballet or martial arts or fencing; you’ll feel less awkward and you’ll move better

talk to yourself in the mirror for ten minutes (timed) every night

learn to shoot pool or cook or play the sax

ignore your friends’ advice; if they are 19 year old males, 99 times out of 100 they will be wrong

if you have cystic acne, get to a dermotologist; scars can be interesting, but pustules are not

I’m 20, and I’ve always kinda liked tall, scrawny guys. Practically all the guys I’ve ever been with have been tall and scrawny. A friend of mine is pretty skinny and looks good in slouch pants and emo-style t-shirts. He looks like an Arts student, but then again he is an Arts student. I know quite a few guys who can’t grow facial hair, and I see it as a bonus. My boyfriend wakes up in the morning with sandpaper stubble. :frowning:

In my opinion, shyness isn’t a problem. Chronic shyness can be, though, if it prevents you from interacting with girls. If I were unattached, saw you at a party and liked the look of you, I might make eye contact or smile. If you stared at the ground, I’d assume you were unfriendly or uninterested.

My bare minimum requirements: taller than me (I’m 5’2"), average looking, and clean.

Son, you’ve got a tongue. Use it.

Come with me, boy. I will put you on the rigorous spooje weight gain plan! It relies on a grueling schedule of hambergers, fries, donuts and cable TV. Maybe some PS2 games on the side.

I’ll have you up to 200 lbs in no time!

Not so sweetie. My boyfriend is a geek (though we’re a bit older than you), he’d had very little actual sexual experience with a woman, but he’d spent a lot of time reading up on our bodies, and how to please us. And he’s quite awesome in bed.

Most of us would rather have a sweet “wants to learn, please and do well” in bed, than some jerk who doesn’t give a hoot whether we’re into it or not.

Attention Soapbox Monkey!

Try this to address any issues of self-worth and confidence you have. Don’t analyse it, don’t criticise it, DO IT. Promise me, try it every night last thing at night in bed if you like (it must be a regular exercise though) for a month and post back here and tell me if it has helped. Don’t stop after a week if you feel it is just stupid.

Close your eyes and picture somebody you know that you really do love. Not somebody you would like to shag, but somebody you know well and know you love. Most probably it will be a family member (avoid pets!). Now keep that image in your mind and try to project mentally your love for that person. Keep that image and that mental projection going for a while, let those nice warm feelings flow. Take ten minutes until you feel in the zone, you’ll know it as everybody I know who has tried this technique finds that zone.

Now the more difficult bit. Transfer the image of the person you have been concentrating on for an image of yourself. Using a nice photo image of yourself is best so you do not get diverted into thinking about things that have happened to you. If the photo is a nice one you were probably in a good mood about thngs when it was taken which helps.

Now keep concentrating and keep those same mental projections of love going. With practise you can flip images without pausing.

Continue for as long as you can.

This is a standard Buddist meditative technique, there are higher stages you can take it, with personal mantra etc but start here and see how you go.

Good Luck!

God I hate using the bathrooms here sometimes. I was just brushing my teeth, having to stand next to a guy who’s about half a foot taller than me with an impressive build while he shaved.

He had his shirt off…it must be nice to not be so embarrassed about yourself that you can feel comfortable with your shirt off.

Blah I felt like such a little kid in comparison that I completely avoided eye contact with myself in the mirror.

Knowing that he’s the kind of guy who’s gonna have a hundred girls flock to him, whereas I’ll be lucky if I ever find ONE really makes me want to crawl into a hole and die sometimes.

Actually, THIS is the best practical advice you are going to get.

About that shirtless guy next to you:
oh, yes, women love to look at guys like that, that’s why movies and magazines are full of them
but ogling, dating, and marrying are very different things
he may have sex with more woman in his life that you do, but if you follow the advice above you’ll have better sex

and, damn it, start making eye contact

Yeah. What he said about eye contact.

Soapbox, you sound a hell of a lot like me at your age. I was brought up in one of those reserved Brit-type families where intense emotion was rare, and never learned until much later that eye contact can be a good thing.

I literally had to train myself to make eye contact. At first, it felt hideously unnatural, like making an unwarranted intrusion into someone else’s space. Looking at people is still not easy. It still sometimes feels like I’m alone, naked, and terribly vulnerable on a stage in front of a potentially-jeering crowd. And it’s still something I have to remember to do.

But when I did look at people, I was able to perceive so much more. And you know? It wasn’t always negative. :slight_smile:

Ok a bunch of random stuff based on my reading this morning before coffee :slight_smile:

You can’t base your self image on what other people think of you. If I waited for someone to tell me what my high points were I’d still be alone and miserable. Instead I manufactured a few took a deep breath and went for my tall skinny geeky guy who didn’t seem to comprehend that I was REALLY interested until I got him naked (this was more difficult than it sounds since he didn’t think I was really interested.) Embarassment may suck but it will not kill you!

Oh and if your clothes do look like you raided your big brother’s closet… get some new ones that fit properly! Baggy clothes don’t hide anything. Go to the mall and find a store with clothes you like and ask a girl clerk if she’d help you out with some outfits. You can be her makeover challenge for the evening and come out with some clothes at least one chick likes :wink:

Oh and sex may be awkward in the beginning for sure but listen to her and let her tell you what she wants/likes and then try that stuff. And listen to Rjung!

Oh and trust me there are girls who will like you just as you are … most of my friends are with tall skinny geeks… especially if they play an instrument… maybe you should take up guitar? :slight_smile:

Soapbox Monkey
There has been a lot of good advise here about working on making eye contact and showing that you are interested.

Do you play any online games? If so, practice flirting there.
It’s a lot less intimidating to learn how to interact online, where there is a bit of distance, and you both know that carefree flirting is all that it is. You can loosen up, stop worrying about how you look, and let your personality shine through.

Firstly: I’m seventeen, female, and have a Thing for guys who aren’t big. Scrawny’s not a requirement, but “not a weight-jock or linebacker” is. Personal preference. And personally, I find it nice when I can beat a guy in sports, etc, but I am completely and totally neurotic.

Secondly: Even a little bit of eye-contact can help. I’m also totally shy, I know how hard it can be. But even a second helps.

Thirdly: tanookie’s idea about shopping is great. Go to a department store or somewhere, find a relatively young female employee, and just ask you for advice. To make it easier, you could try something on, find above-mentioned employee, and ask her what she thinks. If that would be too awkward for you, try and get one of your female friends to go shopping with you. But most importantly (to me at least) is that a guy be comfortable in what they’re wearing. If it’s not ‘you’, don’t buy it.

Fourth: I vote against the band thing. At least, don’t play guitar. I do not exaggerrate when I say that 9/10ths of all my guy friends ‘play guitar’. If you want to do the whole “I’m in a band thing”, go for drums or keyboard at least. Or, if you just want an instrument in general, go for something quirky. Violin? Oboe? I would worship a guy who would play piccolo. That, to me, would scream, “No, I don’t need a big guitar or bass to make me feel more masculine!”

Well, stop it. Not necessarily the baggy clothes, I mean stop hiding and being embarrassed about yourself. Some women might think it’s cute that you’re so shy, but to most you’ll just look insecure.

Be yourself, but more importantly, be confident and comfortable about yourself (that means make eye contact, too!). That looks handsome no matter what your face or body are like, and will go a lot further toward attracting the ladies than trying to hide under baggy clothes. Besides, the attributes that you may think makes an ‘ideal man’ are probably not what most women are looking at.

sigh I’m just showing my age I guess… back in the 80’s it was either the guitar or drums :slight_smile: Stairway to Heaven was the mating song of the teenage geek boy :slight_smile:

I’ll go take some geritol now :wink:

tall thin and pale?
Hey, get some punk clothes and women will flock to you!

I’m gonna let you into a little secret: I am, and always have been, cripplingly shy. The last time I started a new job, I woke up crying at the thought of having to meet new people. Whenever a starnger speaks to me, I mentally curl up into a little ball and mutter “Oh no, no, no, please go away, don’t make me have to talk to you”.
The reason I describe this as a secret is that no-one else knows this. Ask any of my friends and co-workers and they’ll describe me as confident, extrovert, the life and soul, a people-person. Because I’ve trained myself not to let it show. It’s hard, and it’s taken years to get good at it, but it’s worth it. I have a much fuller and more enjoyable life now.
A few tricks: hold your head up, SMILE (no, I can guess what you’re thinking, but most people won’t be wondering why that weirdo is smiling at them, they’ll probably just smile back), and tell yourself that these people are going to like you, because actually , you are likeable. You’re not cruel, or unpleasant, or rude, are you? You are, in fact, a decent person with a good heart? Then what on earth is not to like?
As to not being able to make conversation, I’ve found a good trick is to ask lots of questions. Most people love to talk about themselves, all you have to do is prompt them, and in my experience this gives you a reputation as a great conversationalist!
I’m pretty sure that the girls will come in time if you follow the advice given in these posts, but you can try using your shyness to your advantage - a lot of girls find it endearing. Make eye contact, then look away, then look back - this is generally a girl’s trick, I use it a lot myself, but I see no reason it shouldn’t work for a guy in the sexually equal 21st century! Or try saying something like “I can’t believe I’m doing this, I’m normally soooo shy but you’re just so pretty/smart/funny I had to talk to you”.
I know how difficult shyness and a lack of self-esteem can make life, but they are both treatable if not cureable - like I said, I still find social interaction difficult, but no-one else knows that! “Feel the fear - then do it anyway”. It does get easier. Good luck.

I was thinking emo or goth, but yeah.:smiley:

I’m moving to England.

Sounds good, except that I’ve already got a full wardrobe. I’m not gonna throw my clothes away, and as a college student, I sure as hell don’t have the money for any NEW clothes.

And it’s not that baggy clothes aren’t me, they feel really comfortable. The fact that they cover up my scrawnyness is an added bonus.

No offence to anyone here who might be a punk, but all these new-wave punks I have seen are walking hypocrits.