The sexy Vickies or Fredricks lingerie that can’t be worn outside the boudoir with much comfort for extended periods of time. The lucite slipper or the black pattent stillettos that drive your mate wild with passion. The little collar that you wear for him that makes him drop to his knees and do you know what to you where you stand.
All these things that you wear to get your partner all hot and bothered… Do you ever find yourself wondering, “I know he likes me to wear it, but what’s in it for me?”
I ask this, because that is exactly how the question was put to me when discussing this subject and I was frankly at a loss to explain it. Not because I didn’t think I knew the answer but because it seemed so pattently obvious, I almost felt it was a trick question.
Actually, I found myself wondering some years back when I happened to find myself in a Victoria’s Secret store on a Feb. 14 … “Hon, why are you buying that bustier for her to wear tonight? I hope you realize that’s for YOU, not for HER, and are planning on more purchases that just that.” See, I was the lone woman in a line of about a dozen people waiting to check out (and no, I wasn’t buying anything for myself to wear that night either), and you really do have to wonder about that.
Sure that’s fun. But it does sound like that scenario is pretty much all about what you want.
Which is fine and good, I’m all for giving my guy what he wants. But what are you going to do for her? It’s gotta go both ways. If sex is always about what the one person wants, the other isn’t going to be too happy.
You’re hot. Wearing those heels and stuff, you’re even hotter. We’re turned on, therefore we are likely to turn it up a notch or two to show you how much we appreciate your efforts. As a result, you get some extra special attention too. Everybody wins.
Sometimes it’s just too much hot for a guy to handle and it ends up being a deficit for the woman.
Up to that point, being the object of uncontrollable adoration is nice for a few minutes. Too bad it doesn’t extend to shelf-hanging and floor-mopping. Nothin’ says “you’re hot” like a level shelf.
Still sounds like you’re saying… that she should consider herself lucky to get the fringe benefit of *you * getting what you want. Which, again, sounds kind of self-serving.
Like I said, those things are fun sometimes. But I would never allow myself to be made to feel that I need to do it in order to “turn it up a notch” or earn “special attention” from him in the bedroom. I get that special attention just for being me. And to be honest, that is a much bigger turn-on than dressing up in some tacky garb according to someone else’s direction. Not very sexy, IMO. In fact, it borders on controlling (please note, I am not speaking about you specifically, it just could be taken that way in general).
Well, I enjoy wearing stuff like that because it makes me feel more attractive and kinda powerful. I like knowing that I can make my boy forget to breathe sometimes.
It’s a rush, knowing that he can’t think about anything but me and what he wants to do to me. Me, the plain and tomboy-ish girl who never really got attention like that before. Now, he’d do me even if I was just wearing jeans and a t-shirt but, oh, the reaction when I’ve got lingerie on…Wow. He makes me feel really sexy and special. So…I guess what I get out of the whole deal, aside from making him happy (which really is a big reason to do things. I like to please people I care about) and some great sex with the guy I love, is more confidence about my physical self. (The mental self needs no more confidence. )
I think it’s part and parcel of the same thing that has sexy women on the covers or both men’s and women’s magazines. I ain’t saying it’s healthy but it’s there.
If some woman happens to feel most at ease with herself when wearing spring-loaded contraptions around waist and upper thigh, elasticized serving trays that lift boobage up and skrunch it together like someone trying to demonstrate static electricity with two balloons on a dry day, and underpants with the leg holes up to her armpits, who am I to tell her she shouldn’t?
But if she’s doing it for the guys, I for one find most of that stuff to be a turn-off. There’s way too strong an over-sense of, I dunno, one-size-fits-all, like the gal picked up a copy of Enticing Men for Dummies at the Barnes & Noble on the way home.
It would be different if it didn’t look all the same (and rather silly at that). Plain cotton hiphugger or bikini undies are much more interesting. And the more you move away from plain-simple utilitarian (with native girlshapes generating the appeal), the more it really needs to be different and unique and not like every overmarketed cliché that’s ever adorned a strip-club ad in the back pages of the Post.
I certainly don’t want to accuse you of being judgemental. I’m just trying to understand your point of view as best I can.
So let me break it down further…
What I’m hearing you say is that this hypothetical she is the unwitting victim of my sexual/aesthetic preference. As such, she is subject to my whims and desires and takes no active added pleasure in my hightened desire for her.
It sounds to me like this sort of attitude comes from a certain lack of self confidence and/or insecurity. (NB: Please note that that I’m not accusing you of such in any way.)
Why do you say it’s a product of “one size fits all” thinking? I assume a lot of what constitutes sexy is knowing what turns your particular partner on.
Garter belts donothing for me, for instance. But
has definite possibilities. But that’s my particular fetish. Boobage and Static Electricity.
That can work, as long as it doesn’t involve the really lacy, frilly stuff. I like the sleek look better, and yes it’s more comfortable too, for the amount of time it gets worn.
It depends on the man’s perspective too. If it’s all about the lingerie for him, then it’s a real turn-off AFAIC, because then it would seem that any warm body in lingerie would do. Not a good way to make your lady feel special.
It seems simple to me that if the woman in question is comfortable wearing that stuff, and feels good in it, than everyone wins. If she *isn’t * comfortable in it, *doesn’t * enjoy wearing it, and dons it anyway as a “favor”, well, IMO, that’s a favor to no one.
Sometimes I’ll rock the lingerie, and enjoy it thoroughly. Like **Seren ** said, when I’m in the right frame of mind, it makes me feel very sexy and powerful.
On the other hand, if I feel like it’s *expected * of me, or that I’m not adequately attractive in white cotton, (or, ya know, naked, which is how it usually ends up anyway) then I’m not going to be inclined to knock myself out on that guy’s account.
If a woman were to ask “What’s in it for me,” I would think that it was because she felt the man was dictating that she would be wearing this stuff for him, and she didn’t get much option or choice in the matter. It also sounds like she is starting to think it is more about the costumes and not at all about her.
In Seren’s case, it sounds like she does it on her own terms. She chooses what she likes and feels sexy in and wears it for her SO when and how she wants. And she likes that he likes it. Which is what I do, too (and I am perfectly secure and confident about it, no worries ).
My impression was that all this was pretty much for your own benefit and she didn’t get much choice or equal say in the matter. If that impression was wrong, I apologize. I hope that makes sense. And no judgments here, sincerely.
Too much lace and frills = looking like a doily if you ask me, and that really isn’t sexy at all. The stuff I like (and which he likes) certainly does not involve lots of frilly stuff. It looks silly. A lot of the time, it can be a particular type of fabric rather than anything else that has the “woohoo” quality, if you see what I mean.
And to be honest, that is a much bigger turn-on than dressing up in some tacky garb according to someone else’s direction. Not very sexy, IMO. In fact, it borders on controlling (please note, I am not speaking about you specifically, it just could be taken that way in general).
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