I voted “other”, maybe it’s a cultural thing but I’d expect him to just suggest going to a bar after work. Where the evening takes us after actually getting to Joe’s is anyone’s guess.
What I’m thinking: "If I say no am I assume to you’re still going to Joe’s? Because the “meet me” thing suggests its in your plans regardless. And why do we have to share an appetizer? What, do you think I’m a cheap date unworthy of my own entree? I guess so, because you feel it necessary to imply “alone time” is part of a package deal, like everything before is just the opening act for sex .
What I’m thinking: uh, I wasn’t planning on going to Joe’s today…actually the italian spot down the street is where I was intending to have dinner tonight. Should I tell you that and be a little difficult, or should I be easy going and pretend you’re actually asking if we could meet each at Joe’s and say yes."
Well, if you must know, the whole genesis that started this debate with my friend was the other day I’m in my truck with my GF. I had picked her up from work. We were on our way to her house. We were supposed to stop somewhere to get something to eat. This is more or less the conversation that took place:
Me: Where do you want to go?
Her: I don’t care, you decide.
Me: Well, I’m not familiar with this area of town, so do you have a place in mind?
Her: I don’t care, just pick a place
[this goes back and forth a few more times. Finally ending with this]
Her: Just be a man and lead your woman to the dance floor
I was NOT particularly fond of that metaphor. Which got me to talking about it to my friend.
It’s not until next week. We are going to the Butterfly sanctuary. Then a picnic afterwards. (weather permitting)
See, that was the mistake.
The appropriate answer is “ah no, I asked fi-iiiiiiirst! :D”
I am a woman, and I can’t stand indecision in plan-making.
That said, it’s up to the person, whatever their gender, who is proposing the plan, to have concrete ideas.
“I feel like Italian food, how about that new place, Joe’s?” --> great.
Of course, if partner is the sort to veto every suggestion, that’s another issue.
Me too. Indecisiveness annoys me regardless if it’s exhibited by a man or woman. Conversations about what/where to eat that involve a bunch of back and forth rarely happen because I hate them so much I will volunteer options before it gets to that point.
So in this exchange, I put responsibility in the GF’s lap for her own exasperation; she could’ve just picked a place and let it be. That said, perhaps she feels like she’s always the one who has to pick the place and for once, wanted to be the follower. If that’s the true, the OP should consider offering ideas sometimes so that he doesn’t come off as too passive and unimaginative.
Random point.
I think one needs to note the difference between the inability to make a decision and “not giving a fuck one way another”.
If I ask a woman where she wants to go, it sure ain’t because I can’t decide. Trust me, that I can do that 99 percent of the time for such life critical decisions as to where to eat or how to recreate for the day. I’m giving her the option to do what SHE wants. If she is taking that as an inability to make a decision, that’s her intellectual failing.
To the other person, both of these are functionally identical and depending on how they are expressed, make you look like you’re dodging responsibility for what choices get made.
Giving someone the option to do what they want to do is nice and all, but unless she’s much more opinionated and finicky than you are, this gesture is likely to become annoying if you’re always doing this.
Responsibility for picking a place for dinner on Friday’s usually falls on me rather than my husband. This used to bug me a bit but now it really doesn’t. What would bother me is if he thought he was doing me a favor by letting me pick. Um, no. I’m doing this for us, so that we’re not eating the same lame food every time we go out.
One, if I am in a regular relationship with someone, I hope they are paying attention to what I like, not with what “women” like.
Two, in a game of “no, you first”-chicken, both people are being annoying. No matter who started it, both people ought to have just made some sort of suggestion (even if it’s a negative, “not Chinese”) to get the ball rolling. That said, on occasion, it’s acceptable to occasionally be like “I’ve had a terrible day, I don’t want to decide, please you make a few suggestions” or even “please, you pick”, and that should be accommodated.
I do think that their are two different types of people when it comes to these sorts of things. For some of us, picking where to eat means taking on responsibility for the other person having a good time–and if they end up not liking the food or whatever, it’s a black mark because it means either I have bad taste, or I haven’t been paying attention to the other person and I don’t know them well enough to know what they like, or what they are in the mood for right now. Both are embarrassing. For people who don’t see it that way, it’s very difficult to understand why this turns into a thing so easily.
This is why I really like the “I’ll make three suggestions, you chose” method. It shares the responsibility.
Fairly frequent dialogue at the House of Ocelot:
“So what are we doing for dinner tonight?”
“I dunno. What do you want to do?”
“Hey, I picked yesterday! Your turn!”
“Ah crap. Um…Chinese?”
“Sure. Which Chinese?”
“Tasty Garden.”
“They’re a little expensive, how about Noodle Guy?”
“Oooh okay.”
Both options are way too stilted, especially for someone you’re in an exclusive relationship with. For me it would go something more like this:
Me: Hey Baby, let’s go to Joe’s Pub tonight.
Her: Sounds good, meet you there after work.
Or:
Me: Hey Baby, let’s go to Joe’s Pub tonight.
Her: I don’t like Joe’s. Let’s go to Giuseppe’s Ristorante instead.
Me: I had Italian for lunch today.
Her: Well, how about Tio Jose’s?
Me: Perfect, see you tonight.
Then we can talk about logistics for sexy time at dinner.
This is easy. Ask “where do you want to eat today?”. Or say “I’m up for anything; where should we eat today?” But have a suggestion in mind already.
That’s not an inability to make a decision, and also ‘giving the option’. But if your dining partner then says, “I don’t mind, you choose,” and you don’t have a plan, this can spiral into ‘I don’t give a fuck, you pick.’ ‘No, you.’ Until the end of time.
So, again, not anything to do with gender. But if I’m making the plan, I make the suggestion.
This is perfect. “I’m up for whatever you want” (considerate) yet if she demurs you have a strong suggestion (confident).