What do you do when you see a spaceman?
Park in it!
Three-legged dog! It’s a three-legged dog.
The pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, “You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?”
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.”
But the pope persists, “Please?”
The driver finally lets up. “Oh, all right, I can’t really say no to the pope.” So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. Cop:
Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it’s someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Cop: More.
Chief: Who’s more important than the president?
Cop: I don’t know, but he’s got the pope driving for him!
What do you call a 5 pound songbird in England?
Two kilo mockingbird.
What did the fish say when it ran into a concrete wall?
Dam.
How do you get down off an elephant?
You don’t. You get down off a duck.
A big moron and a little moron were standing on the edge of a cliff. The little moron fell off. Why didn’t the big moron fall off?
Because he was a little “more on.”
I’m embarrassed to say I don’t get the one about the turtles in the bath tub. Anyone care to 'splain to me? Type very slowly…I’m having a rough day.
I swear I just made this one up while considering the Disneyfication of a particular New York City neighborhood:
Why is the height of the buildings on 42nd Street accelerating?
Because they’re measured in meters over Times Square
I went to the dam to get water, but it was completely dry. I said, “Hey, there’s no dam water.”
Q: How many Murphy Browns does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Shut up and just do it!
Q: How can you tell when George W. Bush is saying something stupid?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What’s the difference between the Powerpuff Girls and the Spice Girls?
A: The Powerpuff Girls really are girls, whereas the Spice Girls are actually women and called “girls” only because that’s what women in their line of work are often called.
Iggy: Hey, I haven’t seen those guys before. What are they doing here?
Tak: Haven’t you heard? They’re Sega representatives. They’re going to make a game based on our mountain races.
Iggy: Really? With the cars and everything?
Tak: Not just the cars, the drivers too.
Iggy: Wait a minute…they’re putting us in a game?
Tak: That’s correct.
Iggy: Us? You can’t be serious.
Tak: I am.
Iggy: Oh, come on! They’ll put a 9-year-old from another planet in a racing game before us!
Q: How many Jokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four, one to break the bulb and three to kill everyone so they don’t need light.
“Will the woman who left her 11 children in Cinergy Field please take them out? The Bengals just opened up a big lead on them. We really, really want them to end a game with it for a change.”
Q: How can you tell when Al Gore is saying something stupid?
A: The light next to his voice synthesizer is on.
Q: How many babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; babies lack the necessary motor skills for that.
Q: What’s the difference between the DOA girls and Beatmania IIDX girls?
A: Both are not actually girls, and both get an inordinate amount of attention from American players, but the DOA side has bigger breasts.
Q: What did I.R. Baboon say after watching Dee Dee pull off an amazing skateboard stunt?
A: “DDR Extreme!”
I told the doctor, “It hurts when I do this.” He replied, “So don’t do that.”
Q: What’s wrong with the title of BMX XXX?
A: Three X’s too many.
I still miss my ex…but my aim is improving!
A Police 911 cop is pursuing a suspect. The suspect is faster than him, and he’s rapidly falling behind. The cop radioes dispatch. “Quick, what do I do?” “Shoot him,” responds dispatch. “Um, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” says the cop. “You don’t want him to escape, do you? Hurry up and shoot him!” “But he’ll…” “Just do it!” The cop does as he’s told. The suspect is killed instantly. Blood is running everywhere. “Okay…I got him,” says the worried cop. “Good. Go ahead and make the arrest.” “Well, I’d like to, but I can’t arrest a dead man.” “Say what?” “He’s dead. He’s bleeding all over the place.” Silence. “Wait a minute, you didn’t use the arrest gun?”
I’m almost frightened by the fact that I’m not frightened of how much fun this is. 
It’s not really a joke. This one is best told amongst several people, all who are “in” on it. The joke is told to the victim, and everyone breaks out laughing like it’s the funniest thing they’ve ever heard, and the victim will usually go along, so as to not appear as if they don’t get an obviously hilarious joke.
Yeah, I’m hoping Santa brings me a life for Christmas…
A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a beer and a mop.”
The Pope, an irishman and Michael Jackson walk into a bar and the bartender says “What is this, some kind of joke?”
A baby seal walks into a club
(My favorite joke of all time)
Two cannibals are eating a clown and one turns to the other and says “Does this taste funny to you?”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
What do you call a guy sitting in the middle of a church?
The center of mass.
Why did the 15 year old wear a hard hat?
He was a minor.
(And from Hot Shots!)
What do you with an elephant with 3 balls?
You walk him and pitch to the rhino.
LOL Again! I must have a very weird sense of humor.
Heres one:
There was a Mad Scientist who spent all his life researching human cloning. One day he FINALY succeeded in cloning himself. He took the clone to an assembly of scientists to show off his accomplishment. Something went wrong in the cloning process however, and as soon as the clone got on stage he started swearing like crazy, saying things that would make a sailer cringe. Needless to say, the Mad Scientist got VERY angry about this. On the drive home the Mad Scinetist pulled over at the top of a cliff and pushed the Clone off it to his death. Later on the police picked the Mad Scientist up AND:
he was charged with making an Obscene Clone Fall!
Mwahahaha!!!
How do you keep a bunch of losers in suspense.
Tell ya tomorrow!!
Just buggin!!
Merry X-Mas
This one’s not really quite a lame joke… I know because my son told me so, which is funnier than the joke, but first the joke:
A man walks into a bar.
He says “Ouch”.
Okay, I’m serious this time. Two men walk into a bar.
The second guy must’ve been really stupid, after seeing what happened to the first guy.
My son’s response:
“Dad, I would call that a lame joke, but that would be an insult to lame jokes everywhere.”
Q: How do you make Holy Water?
A: You boil the HELL out of it!
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his friend in the woods?
So this guy walks into his doctor’s office. The doctor asks him to sit down, and with a grave, serious voice tells him that he’s got some bad news to tell him and some really bad news to tell him.
The guy is visibly shaken, but he manages to stammers “Doc, tell me the really bad news first.”
“Okay,” says the doctor. “You’ve got untreatable cancer, and you probably only have two months to live, if that.”
“My God,” the guy says, “then what’s the ordinary bad news?”
“It seems you’ve got Alzheimer’s as well.”
After a short pause, the guy breathes a sigh of relief. “Well,” he chuckles, “at least I don’t have cancer!”
[sub]Hey! Those tomatoes are gonna leave a stain, buddy![/sub]
Whats black and white and red all over and has trouble going through revolving doors?
A nun with a spear through her head