Other than that Mrs Lincoln, how was the play?
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None… Microsoft Dark[sup]TM[/sup] is the new standard
These two kids, a brother and a sister, walk into a candy store, dressed exactly alike, and buy some candy. Every week after that, on the same day of the week, at the same time, they walk in and buy the exact same thing.
This goes on for several months, like clockwork, until finally the candy store owner has had enough. Its driving him nuts, so finally he says to the kids “Look, we have a lot of differant types of candy here…You always buy the same thing…Why not try something differant for a change?”
The brother looks up at him and says"Why dont you mind your own business?"
Here is the king of lame jokes:
A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on
film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.
The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the “Butcher Dance.”
The guy’s a bit confused and says, “Butcher Dance? What’s that?”
“What? You no see Butcher Dance?”
“No, I’ve never heard of it.”
“Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?”
“UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?”
“No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree.”
“Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?”
“Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance.”
“Look, I’ve been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last
dance.”
"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree
you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.
You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to
cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.
Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man’s head. From
rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he’s forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he
doesn’t reach the tree until dusk and he’s forced to set up camp for the night.
He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he’s excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.
True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time
and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life’s dream.
The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort
they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.
When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.
Once he’s recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.
“Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance.”
“Well, when do you hold the next dance?”
“Not 'til next year.”
“Well, I’ve come all this way. Couldn’t you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?”
“No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year.”
The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed
in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.
Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to
the tree.
They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are
forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.
Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.
“The Butcher Dance!” gasps the guy. “Please don’t tell me I’m too late!”
The chief recognizes him and says “No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time.”
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night’s ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover their bodies in
white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird’s feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.
A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch
doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, “What’s he doing?”
“Hush,” whispers the chief. “You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to
them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year.”
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin
to sway to the stirring rhythm.
The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of
rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,
He says, “You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about.”
If Mr Spock has pointy ears, what does Scotty have???
Enginears!!! 
I am so, very, very sorry for that one… 
Two atoms are sitting in a pub.
First Atom: I’ve lost an electron.
Second Atom: Are you sure?
First Atom: I’m positive.
How do you make a nun pregnant?
F*** her.
Not so much a joke, as an idea for a comedy sketch I’d like to see:
Sightings of rare/nonexistant animals, e.g. Big Foot, only instead of being distantly glimpsed in a forest, they’re seen in the middle of a city. Sipping espresso at an outdoor cafe, stepping out of a taxi…that sort of thing.
hehehehe I especially loved the MS one.
What is is green and smells like bananas?
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Monkey puke.
Blame my mother, it’s her joke.
I was going to post a joke about Rev. Jim Jones, but the punch line is too long.
Why do bunnies make no sound during sex?
They have cotton balls…
I’m sorry, so very sorry.
A man walks into a bar and says, “Ow”
So a pirate walks into a bar, but he has a steering wheel coming out of his crotch. The bartender notices and asks “Hey, you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” to which the pirate replies “Arr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
What do rappers use to clean their clothes?
BLE-OTCH!
What’s purple, hangs on a wall, and whistles?
A herring.
But it’s not purple!
But this herring was painted purple.
But it doesn’t hang on a wall!
But this herring was hung on a wall.
But it doesn’t whistle!
Nu, so a herring doesn’t whistle.
A man walks up to a trendy club, but the doorman won’t let him in because the man isn’t wearing a tie. He goes back to his car, but can’t find a tie. He comes across some jumper cables, and decides to hang them around his neck and see if they’ll pass as a tie. He walks back to the club, and the doorman looks him up and down, glances at the jumper cables and says:
“Alright, you can come in, but don’t start anything!”
sound of crickets chirping
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
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Two - One to screw in the lightbulb, and one to hold the penis- My mother! I mean the ladder!
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish
Q: What kind of bees give milk?
A: Boo-bees
Carpenter 1 to Carpenter 2: “Could you hand me the 2/5 inch drill bit, pal?”
Carpenter 2 hands him the 3/8 inch instead.
Carpenter 1 says, “Excuse me, pal, but that’s a bit too small.”
Why doesn’t the mob like Jehova Witnesses?
They don’t like any kind of witnesses.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
FSH
What do you do when your nose goes on strike?
Pickett
(This is comedy gold to a four year old!)
OK, these will show the true extent of my geekiness, but here goes:
Q: How many Soviet politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight: Gorbachev on a ladder, and seven to turn against him.
And last, but not least:
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Would you like a beer?” Descartes says, “No thanks,” and Poof! disappears.