Aaaargh! I botched my own punch line! Must drink more coffee!
Let’s try again:
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes says, “I think not,” and Poof! disappears.
Eva Luna, it was funnier the first time around.
Q. How do you put out a fire in your hotpants?
A. With your pantyhose!
Q. What’s red and looks like a bucket?
A. A red bucket!
Q. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels!
Q. What do you call a man and a woman with no arms and no legs on a grill?
A. Frank and Patty
This thread rocks! It’s good for at least a week of making my friends and family groan!
Only a week?
What’s white and green and Irish and comes out in the Spring?
Paddy O’Furniture
The joke that changed my life
why did the dog sit in the shade?
he didn’t want to be a hot dog
I’ve been tellong my 5 year old most of these jokes. That was one of his.
How do set up a “Moron” in a small business?
Set him up in a big business and wait
I dont get it.
how do you start a fire on Star trek?
You take two flints, and rub them together, making Spocks…
I heard that one from a 5 year old.
So a grasshopper walks into a bar…
Bartender: You know they have a drink named after you, right?
Grasshopper: What, Bob?
…and…
So a pedophile walks into the forest with a little boy…
Boy: It’s dark and I’m scared.
Pedo: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk out alone.
The 2nd one was bad, I know… 
Oh, one more.
So a Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”
Q.Why did Micheal Jackson go to Wal-Mart?
A.He heard little boys pants were half off
Q.Why do inbreds do it doggy style?
A.So they can both watch NASCAR at the same time.
Q.Whats the difference between a catfish and an Italian woman?
A.One has whiskers and smells like fish, the other one’s a fish.
Good night
Jon
Hotdog vendor goes, “Eighty-nine cents.”
Buddhist hands him a dollar, then waits for his change. The vendor just stands there.
Buddhist goes, “Where’s my change?”
Vendor goes, “True change must come from within.”
Sorry MeanOldLady.
Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because, they can.
If a parsley farmer refuses to pay his bills…
Do they “Garnish” his wages?
Blind guy walks into Kmart with his seeing eye dog. He walks by a salesgirl and suddenly picks the dog up by the tail, and starts swinging it over his head. The salesgirl rushes up to the man and asks "Sir!?! Can I help you? The guy says “No thanks, I’m just
looking around”
hehehe
A broken window, a bra and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar. The jumper leads walk up to the bar and asks for 3 drinks. The bartender informs him that he can’t be served. He walks back to the table and lets the others know. A few minutes later the window walks up and asks the bartender what they’ve done to get them refused service. The bartender says…
“You’re smashed, she’s off her tits and he looks like he could start something”
A frog hops into a bank and is served by Patricia Whack, the bank clerk… The frog says “I’d like a loan please.”
“How much do you want to borrow?”
“$20 000” says the frog.
“Can I take your name please?” says Patricia.
“Kermit Jagger, and my dad’s name is Mick Jagger”
Patti explains that he would need security against the loan, so the frog produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Very confused, Patti goes to consult the manager.
She says, “Theres a frog outside who wants to borrow $20 000, and he wants to use this elephant as colateral. I mean what the heck is it?”
And the manager said. “Its a knick knack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
Dragged kicking and screaming from a movie I recently saw:
“Knock Knock” “Who’s there?” “Go fuck yourself!”
That made me laugh for about 5 minutes straight. People started staring at me.
And from a movie I saw not so recently (note: this joke only works for people who have two thumbs):
“What’s got two thumbs and loooooves blowjobs? (Pause. Point thumbs at self.) This guy!”
Damn, I’m so uncreative. And immature.
Fnoonf…
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbult?
A: Two, but how did they get in there?
Q: Why should you never play hide-and-seek with a Pokemon?
A: Cause he’ll Pikachu.
How do you fix a tuba?
.
.
.
.
With a tuba (tube of) glue.
Gotta love instrument jokes.
Two nuns are riding their bicycles through town.
One nun says, “I’ve never come this way before.”
The other nun says, “Oh, it must be the cobblestone.”