I mean it. Go to your local adult shop and look at what they got for sale there. I see couples shopping in the one I go to all the time (Fantasy Video is really trendy here) and any time I see them buy a dildoe (yeah I watch. I’m curious about such stuff) it’s always just shy of a police Billy club (sometimes they actually look like a billy club). No way are there that many guys who are hung like that. So how do I get the idea that this is a plot concocted by the lezbian mafia (btw: if that name is trademarked please let me know and I will retract or pay a fee to use it, just don’t break my knees.)? Well I will tell you how:
point of fact
Average male member in the US is 6", average size of dildoe sold in the US according to the AVN reports is 8 1/2" and climbing and the number of units sold is on the rise too (up well over 200% in the years between 97 and 99) which means more and more women are getting larger synthetic peni (or someone is hoarding them but that would be too nefarious a plot for me to figure out).
Lezbian women don’t have peni, and while not all of them angage in penetration as a primary form of intercourse (this I have been told, but in all my videos they do so I’m confused on this and none of my gay lady friends will let me do research. assholes.), but those that do engage in penetration type sex often use appliances. Since the primary appliance purchased is the dildoe (which averages over 8" and thus is larger than the average 6" male member) women engaged in lezbian sex are often exposed to synthetic peni much larger than available in most men outside of Jeff Stryker or an NBA locker room.
this makes no sense, what am I talking about?:
aha! but it does make sense! Well if you toke out a lot and then go to Fantasy Adult Video it does, trust me. See women are being taught to enjoy a larger member while engaging in heterosexual foreplay with their inadequate male lovers who are dumb (penis=dumb. I’m getting mine removed before I go on Jeaopardy!) and who bought these mucking gread dongs for them because a) men like power tools and a big rubber twirling dildoe is pretty much a power tool in the bedroom and b) men suck at foreplay and therfore if we can get a gadget that allows us to do less “work” in the bedroom we will shell out the cash and c) we love anything that requires electricity or comes with some kind of warranty registration card! So what ends up happening is men go out and buy the big vibrating bunny with the rotating beads and we make the mistake of renting a film with some of this lezbian activity in it and two things happen to our female lovers 1) they are stimulated by our feeble attempts at foreplay while watching women engage in sex (Pavlovian effect) and 2) they see women using these big dongs in the movie and no smelly men are in sight or if they are they are acting like idiots doing their thing on the boobs and other gross stuff (ick.). Thus our heterosexual women are trained to know in their subconcious minds that lezbian sex is better than heterosexual sex (which it probably is but which should remain secret.) and they turn gay.
If none of this made sense to you then I proscribe two Guiness and liberal doses of smoke, either that or you have been so thoroughly duped by them that you just cant see the light before your eyes.
I’m going into hiding for fear of my own safety now and shall remain hidden indefinately (or until I get off work).
My parting advice to you men out there: Never take her to the porn shop! Go there by yourself, tell her perverts hang out there who will perv on her if she goes alone or with other women. If you must buy a dildoe make it no larger than your own penis and don’t buy one that does more than you can with your own!
MY fiancee is convinced that my (standard issue) appendage is too big! Big ego boost when she says that it’s too big (granted that I may be a bit thicker than normal, and she’s small, but even so…)!
I’m of the school that says it ain’t the size, but what you do with it!
Also, keep in mind that the female vagina (praised be its name!!!) is designed to accomodate something MUCH larger than you or I can ever hope to provide (IE: a baby)…
um…
um…
Dammit! I lost my train of thought! And it was profound, too!
Why . . . It’s true! He’s absolutely right! I was a raging heterosexual for 43 years; never once attracted to another woman. But after reading this thread, I wandered into an Adult Store (not easy to FIND in NY these days) and saw a 12-inch “dildoe.” Bing! I instantly became a “lezbian.” Happily, some members of their Mafia were lingering hopefully outside the store, wearing dark glasses and trenchcoats.
So now I am a happy “lezbian Mafia moll,” and some gal has a new toaster oven—Thank you, 12-inch “dildoes!”
[please insert rolling-eye happy face here if desired]
It’s hard to take this kind of thing seriously, but in the interests of fighting ignorance:
A dildo does not feel like a penis. Different experience.
After a certain point, bigger != better. Trust me: a large dildo is fun once in a while, but it’s not advisable for a steady diet.
A heterosexual woman is not going to “turn gay” because of something she sees in a porn video. If she’s uninterested in you, then I’d look elsewhere for explanations.
A man who relies on a dildo to do foreplay is a bloody idiot. Men do not suck at foreplay. Some boys do. (Hint: If your female partner is, say, 5’6" tall and weighs 140lbs, don’t ignore most of her to concentrate on a body cavity and a <1" piece of flesh.)
You make it sound like the attraction of female-female sex is that it’s less messy than female-male sex. Pardon me while I snort with laughter.
In North America, the UK, and Australia, at any rate, it’s spelled “lesbian”.
Geez, you guys are a bunch of wet blankets! I thought the OP was hilarious. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that none of it was serious. Seemed very tongue-in-cheek to me.
I also proscribe (look it up, idjit) two Guinness (note the spelling, idjit) and liberal doses of smoke. In fact, you’ve illustrated better than I ever could the reason I gave up pot.
Are you trying to compete with Homer for Most-Fucked-Up-OP? You’ll have to do better than this, idjit.
I’ll give it a 7 for originality, a 9.7 for wierdness, but with the deductions for incomprehensibility and “creative” spelling and grammar, you come up with a grand total of 2.