My dick is so big it has a permanent seat on the UN Security Council.
My dick is so big you need to use AUs to measure… the diameter.
My dick is so big when I put a loop in it, I can lasso the moon.
A young man comes home with a large turkey for Christmas. His mother asked him how he got it, he replyed at a dick measuring contest. Oh goodness you didn’t take that thing out in public, he replies not all of it, just enought to win.
…And the oxygen bottles last hardly any time at all.
They say penis size is related to shoe size, which makes the fear of being raped by a clown that much scarier.
One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says: “If you can make that horse over there laugh, you can have free drinks for the rest of the night.”
So he says “Okay” and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says: “If you can make that horse over there cry, I will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.”
So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says: “To make him laugh, I told him I had a bigger dick than he does, and to make him cry I showed him.”
My dick is so big, I dont have to travel to maintain long distance relationships.
Y’all are just tellin’ these, cause y’know I have an innie…
I have veins in mine that are bigger than most whole dicks.
This got to be a break time urinal “pissing match” where I once worked. After a few rounds of this joke it started to expand.
Example
Me: Boy that water’s cold
Bud: Deep too
Me: and there’s a burr in the pipe
Bud: The one in the wall or the one in the basement?
Me: The one where the drain hits the main line under the street.
Bud: That’s pretty bad, but that burr at the sewage treatment plant chafes me the most.
Me: Really? I woulda thought that one at the drain pipe to the river would be the nastiest.
Bud: No…No..once you get to the river and get down 15 feet or so into the Missouri river mud it actually feels kinda nice
Me: Yeah but the Mississippi mud feels the best.
Bud: Not as good as Delta Silt.
You should feel what the bottom of the Marianas Trench is like - let me tell you , there’s nothing else like it.
Spent 20 minutes there once…
Looks like this thread is winding down. Maybe even starting to drag a little…
… and believe me, I know how that feels.
You call that big? The veins on my dick have veins.
Stolen from Drew Carey:
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my dick is so big its agent won’t take my calls.
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my dick is so big, movie popcorn comes in three sizes: large, jumbo, and my dick.
The veins on my dick have their own dicks.
ETA: Video with sound, might not be SFW due to some language, PG-13
Spanish porn star Nacho Vidal was recently taken in for questioning by the police. That is not a joke, but it did lead to a lot of jokes which my coworkers had fun sharing during breakfast. I only remember two of them:
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Most jailhouse windows have four bars. The one in Nacho’s cell has five.
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Medical emergency in Alcalá-Meco Prison! Half the queens faint upon hearing that Vidal will be arriving soon; the other half are holding a contest to decide who meets him first.
Mandelbrot dick! 
My dick is a trillion miles long and weighs a quintillion tons.
my dick is so big that people think its a CIA FBI conspiracy.