. . . and this is how I’ve felt since then --> :eek:
Y’see, I was reading in bed and the cat was kneading my ever-so-kneadable belly as he often does. I wasn’t really paying much attention to him sitting there on my leg, I’ve just gotten into the Discworld series and I was way more into what Rincewind was up to.
After a few minutes, I felt something poke my thigh. It felt sort of like a finger, but not an adult one. It was more like that of an impatient child, small and insistent. With a sinking feeling I looked over at him and realized he wasn’t sitting on my leg, he was straddling it. Not just straddling it - having an . . . encounter with it. I said something that closely translates to “Bblllleeehhgghbbbllphh!” and wagged my fingers at him (I didn’t want to actually touch the filthy little bastard). Then he sort of stood up a little, looked down at himself and appeared to be just as amazed (but far less horrified) than I was at his arousal. I shooed him away, but not before he managed to sow his seed. I imagine he’s expecting kittens to sprout from my thigh in a few weeks. gack . . . thigh kittens. Off he trotted, still as engorged as every monkey in every zoo and on every nature program I’ve ever seen. Through all of this my boyfriend slept the sleep of angels. The cat retreated to his side of the bed and left a giant wet spot by his side. Finally at I got SOME satisfaction out of this ordeal.
Once I got all the heebie-jeebies out of my system, I looked over the side of the bed where the cat had jumped. And there he too slept the sleep of angels. As he basked in the glow of this bestial nightmare, a slow sigh escaped him and I got a whole new round of heebie jeebies.
Now every time I see him casually walking around the apartment, I feel very awkward. I can’t stand to make eye contact with him. He keeps jumping up on me and I can see in his eyes that he wants more. I used to let him in the bathroom in the morning, but now I don’t know if I can. It’s very weird.
But I did! I did have him neutered! As luck would have it (Chi-Chi’s, not mine) they could only find one testicle. Now he’s half the man he used to be - but that’s STILL too much. They said they searched all over the place and there was but one nut. Maybe we should have renamed him Hedwig after his operation got botched.
It was suggested that we get him an ultrasound to see if they could find it, and I don’t know how much that costs, but it sounds expensive. Looks like he won’t be getting his allownace for a little while.
I did talk to my boyfriend about the interlude and now he’s afraid that Chi-Chi has got an Oedipal complex and that the lustful cat will try to kill him in his sleep. Things are getting very Shakespearean over at Chez DeskMonkey.
Oh my God, you guys are hilarious! You’ve embellished my story perfectly. I had a lurid, late-night affair (with Boyfriend right there in the bed) with a naughty pussy who took advantage BEFORE the first date and didn’t even bother to call. Now this homicidal creature, who is named after Mexican boobs, is plotting to kill us all and poor Superbee can’t even get his (her?) cat to come. I guess I feel better? I love this place, I knew you guys would understand.
Yep, he’s got a lot of nerve, this one. When I came home from work today he was wearing a leather harness and had a riding crop sticking out of his butt. Should I be worried?
Actually, when I waking home from work, I could see him sitting in the window from the park across the street. He watched me the whole way. Now I’m about to head off to bed and he’s just pacing back and forth. It’s freaking me out. I think I need to get him some underpants.
Heh, that last bit about the bathroom reminds me somewhat of my… er… disagreement with Jane… Not that her and I were in the bathroom together, but… yeah.
Oh my God, you guys are hilarious! You’ve embellished my story perfectly. I had a lurid, late-night affair (with Boyfriend right there in the bed) with a naughty pussy who took advantage BEFORE the first date and didn’t even bother to call. Now this homicidal creature, who is named after Mexican boobs, is plotting to kill us all and poor Superbee can’t even get his (her?) cat to come. I guess I feel better? I love this place, I knew you guys would understand.