Legal question - can a child ask for a paternity test? (a bit long)

[kurahee]

@handsomeharry

You are correct. I was rude and I should not have indicated that I had any insights into your life. Please accept my apology.
hh

Accepted. Thank you.

@cazzle

You also claim that your mother was always distant to you, but later add that she was suspected to be a self-medicating manic-depressive. The idea of being a secret love-child may be more romantic or satisfying in light of the strained relationship with your father, but aren’t the chances greater that she was simply the victim of her mental issues and possible drug problem?

I’ll try to answer your questions the best I can.

My mother. Always a mystery to me. Her behavior was, to put it bluntly, strange to the point of distraction. She went days without speaking. If there was any kind of dispute between her and my father, she would sit in a chair in a room and stair straight ahead with her arms crossed until she would get her way. She literally broke the poor man down. She did this while working a full time job and going to grad school at night. So, it seemed she was able to pass for normal in the “real world”, but behind closed doors of our home she was (in my opinion) very depressed. Over 50 years of this, she’s turned my father into a sad shell of the person I knew as my father. This is NOT the reason, however, I’ve questioned my paternity. My father and I had a very good relationship for a very long time, and the decline of that relationship is unfortunate. But it in no way is the cause of my inquiry. As I’ve mentioned, I’ve wondered in the past. My marriage has pushed it to the forefront.

@cazzle

Look at it like this: if your situation was reversed and your estranged brother started legal action against your elderly, ill parents to discover if your mother had been unfaithful and suggested that her partner may have been a mentally ill individual entrusted to her care, how would you feel about that? Would you understand that he had a need to know, or would you think he was stirring up trouble out of spite. The parents old, ill and by your own admission near the end of their lives. The distress that this could cause them could hasten their deaths. Wouldn’t it be kinder to wait until they have passed on and then set about repairing your relationship with your brothers in the hope that one of them will provide you the sample you require?

It’s a good question, and one I can’t honestly answer. I am on the only side of the fence I am on. If I was on the other side, I may feel differently. You make a good point about perhaps repairing a relationship with a brother in the future, but I don’t know when or if that will ever happen. My parents could be dead as I type this. I don’t know. I won’t know. That’s a shame but that’s the way it is. If I could find out without involving my parents or my siblings, all the better. I’m just not sure it’s possible. Perhaps I’m being a bit selfish because I’m feeling the crush of time. If my mother and father pass away, I’ll never know the truth. That will have to be ok.

@cazzle

One final observation: Your concern about your father’s medical history seems to outweigh your concern about your mother’s medical history. You’ve implied that she was mentally ill, yet that doesn’t seem to factor into your decision to have children as strongly as the idea that your father may have had similar problems. Why? The inconsistancy makes it hard to see this as anything more than an attempt to punish a family you feel has rejected you. With your mother being ill, possibly terminally ill, it seems they will likely be more emotionally vunerable than usual and any attempt to pursue this now will be percieved as an attack.

Well, my mother’s diagnosis was by my (and other’s) observations only. Again, you make a valid point in that I really don’t consider her because I’ve known her and her extended family my whole life. I guess the unknown is what I’m concerned about. But come to think of it, what I DO know about her should concern me more than anything. :eek:

I guess I can see an outsider’s point of view of vindictiveness on my part. It’s really not. But typing the words cannot convince. My family meltdown didn’t just happen overnight. It was many years in happening. And the truth is, I don’t “feel” my family has rejected me. They did. There’s no confusion or debate. As much as a person can be, I’m ok with it.

@adopted

As to things like heart disease, mental illness etc, are you trying to say that, if for example, you found schizophrenia ran in the family you wouldn’t have children? I don’t mean to sound antagnositc or anything but this strikes me as being somewhat absurd, children cannot, and should not be “geneticl perfections” (ala Gattica). Just get on with the job of having them and take the good with the bad.

It takes two to tango, and my wife isn’t willing to tango right now. That doesn’t mean she won’t be. But yes, if something like schizophrenia ran in the family, I’d like to know. Heart disease, diabetes, cancer, etc. would also be good to know. Would it keep me from having a child? I don’t know. None of us come out of the womb with a “guaranteed by manufacturer by any defects” stamp. I guess I would like some history notes. If I can get a reasonable picture by testing myself, perhaps that will be good enough.

@adopted

I suspect that the decision to want your father tested is more for your own “emotional needs” than any health requirements. Given this perhaps you would be better coming to peace with yourself than pursuing any form of tests or such.

No. It seems to be the easiest reason for people to come up with, but I have no emotional needs when it comes to this. I am old enough to know there are certain things I can change and certain things I can’t. If my father is my father, I have no relationship with him anyway. If my father is NOT my father, I still have no relationship with him. And I have no intention to pursue one (the biological one or my assumed one). I’m too old for that. My “emotional needs” are just fine.

@adopted

Even if a test can be done without anybody knowing (and this should be quite easy) I think that for you, the results are going to be a “let down”, and not really settle any issues for you emotionally, regardless of the outcome.

Having said all this, I wish you well, and do feel a great deal of empathy for you family situation, I couldn’t imagine being treated like that by my family and the hole it would leave in my life.

I’d be interested in how the test could be done easily, as that’s why I asked the question in the first place.

Thank you for your well wishes, too.

In fact, thank you all for your thoughts and insights. I made a mistake by dragging personal details in a straightforward question, and that has derailed this thread. That was my mistake.

If anyone can answer this from a legal standpoint, that would be great.

If not, that’s fine too. I won’t address any more personal questions or insights into my emotional motives. I don’t have any other than what I’ve stated. If you cannot take my word for it, that’s your choice, but please leave your opinions out of this GQ thread.

[Caffeine.addict]

@kurahee

There have been some red flags over the years that have made me wonder. What, if anything, I can do with this information once I find out is certainly debatable, but I would think that as a person I have a right to know my paternity. Or in this case, lack of paternity. Now if dear old mom decides not to tell me who the mystery man is, I’m not sure there’s a lot I can do about it. On the other hand, my father *is * bat-shit crazy so if he’s not biologically connected to me I’d feel ok about it.

I just can’t believe that I couldn’t legally force them to take a DNA test. So the only person that can challenge paternity is the father? That seems a bit disconnected to me. If you’d see my brothers and me with my parents, you’d immediately pick out the one that doesn’t fit in the picture.

Maybe I need to call Maury Povich (just kidding).

As far as I know, you have no legal right in this matter to compel your father to produce his DNA. If there was a child support issue, and you were a minor, you might be able to make a legal argument, but since there isn’t and you aren’t seeking child support, then my best educated guess is that there isn’t. I can’t imagine that a Court in any jurisdiction would be willing to invade your father’s privacy.

Note- I am not your attorney. I am not licensed in your state. Your local state laws can and will differ. This advice is worth what it cost. Consult a local attorney who specializes in this area.

[kurahee]

@Caffeine.addict

As far as I know, you have no legal right in this matter to compel your father to produce his DNA. If there was a child support issue, and you were a minor, you might be able to make a legal argument, but since there isn’t and you aren’t seeking child support, then my best educated guess is that there isn’t. I can’t imagine that a Court in any jurisdiction would be willing to invade your father’s privacy.

Note- I am not your attorney. I am not licensed in your state. Your local state laws can and will differ. This advice is worth what it cost. Consult a local attorney who specializes in this area.

Thank you, Caffeine.addict. This seems to be the consensus. I will be contacting an attorney. I assume by your answer you are an attorney, although not one in my state. Is that a safe assumption (that you are an attorney)?

If so, may I ask what type of attorney should I contact? Family law is what I’ve assumed…

Also, I can see the point about invading my father’s privacy. But that assumes he’s my father. Is there a “statute of limitations” on a person’s name on a birth certificate? Here’s my question. Let’s say I have a friend who’s pregnant and after she gives birth, she puts my name on the birth certificate as the father. She never asks me for my permission or financial assistance, and I’m not even aware that my name is associated with her baby. I have no idea what kind of proof the hospital would need, but if she told them I was dead, for example, would the hospital require more proof or just accept the mother’s word?

18 years or so pass and now the child wants to know if I’m really his father. Would I have the legal right to refuse that request?

Thanks.

[Caffeine.addict]

@kurahee

Thank you, Caffeine.addict. This seems to be the consensus. I will be contacting an attorney. I assume by your answer you are an attorney, although not one in my state. Is that a safe assumption (that you are an attorney)?

If so, may I ask what type of attorney should I contact? Family law is what I’ve assumed…

Also, I can see the point about invading my father’s privacy. But that assumes he’s my father. Is there a “statute of limitations” on a person’s name on a birth certificate? Here’s my question. Let’s say I have a friend who’s pregnant and after she gives birth, she puts my name on the birth certificate as the father. She never asks me for my permission or financial assistance, and I’m not even aware that my name is associated with her baby. I have no idea what kind of proof the hospital would need, but if she told them I was dead, for example, would the hospital require more proof or just accept the mother’s word?

18 years or so pass and now the child wants to know if I’m really his father. Would I have the legal right to refuse that request?

Thanks.

While yes, IAAL, I’m not one who specializes in this type of matter nor am I giving legal advice as I am not in your state. I think that your questions would depend on state law to a large degree and would vary. I would think that you should contact a family law attorney regarding your questions, but I have to ask you, what do you honestly hope to gain from this. Even if by some miracle, the Courts grant you a DNA test, and your father is proved to not be your father, so what? Without mom talking, you are no closer to discovering who your biological father is. Additionally, is this the kind of thing you want to be spending good money on? And if you think that relationships with the family are strained now, wait until you try to do something like this.

[Nava]

Kurahee, I realize this has nothing to do with your question.

But my quite-anal SIL (who is an MD) was completely unable to conside the thought of getting pregnant for the first five years of her marriage. A very big part of it was the fear that the kid might get some genetic disease that a few relatives of her had; also she thought that some of my brother’s “ailments” (nothing serious) were linked to a gene. We’re not talking about the kind of thing that puts you in a wheelchair from birth - her relatives lived perfectly healthy lives until their late 50s, then in one year went down, down and 6-feet-under. She got both of them genetically tested seven ways to Thursday * and back, and only after they both got clean bills was she able to start thinking “baby”.

Funny thing is, The Nephew has a kidney problem which gave her a terrible scare, but which just 20 years ago would have gone undetected - probably his whole life. It’s an occluded urether and it would have made one of his kidneys not function.

The part Mom and me are not going to remind the Proud Father of, much less tell the SIL?

My great-grandma Laura, who died at 98, had surgery for “kidney failure due to an occluded urether” when she was in her 50s and the surgeon later informed them that the kidney in question had never worked. Looks like that kidney wasn’t so important after all, uh?
So,

I understand and sympathize with worrying about genetic health,
but I can also promise you most inheritable conditions aren’t the end of the world.

• Being a doctor in a “socialized” country, basically what she did was sign up for “giving two samples next time CSIC asks for samples for their research on genetic ID’ing”

[Kalhoun]

@Shagnasty

I am not a lawyer but I no some about these things. You have no chance at all unless you can somehow convince your supposed father or a (male) relative on that side to give a DNA sample. That opens up a lot of possibilities for you to explore but you cannot coerce someone into undergoing a biological test for your benefit. I believe a Y chromosome test from male 1st cousins from paternal uncles or male brothers could show what you want most easily. You have to get someone to cooperate but you can’t force them to.

Can he use a sibling’s dna to determine if they have the same parents? That might me an option as long as it doesn’t open up an additional shitstorm.

[Dung_Beetle]

IANAL, and I’m most likely arriving to the thread too late to be useful, but I work in a lab that does DNA paternity testing. I deal with the clients and paperwork, not the technical aspects. The first order of business when taking on a new case is to make sure that our lab isn’t going to be liable for doing a test without the proper permissions. In other words, we want our butts covered in a legal sense, so we aren’t going to be doing any tests on objects or substances people bring in. I would imagine it’s the same deal other places.