scab and booger collections are not topics of polite conversation
The word “pussy” should never pass your lips when you are in the company of your girlfriend’s parents.
When driving, never tailgate a police vehicle. :eek:
Never assume a Highway Patrolman has a sense of humor. (This is especially true in Kentucky and Alabama.)
The This vehicle Makes Wide Right Turns sign on the back of an 18 wheeler is there for a reason.
Pull your pants up if you’re over 13 years old.
Your child’s dirty diaper has an offensive odor to people who are not related to you.
Never pee on an electric fence. ÿþ
Well, I guess I can accept that. But if–and this is a BIG if–the fart is already on its way out, never, under any circumstances, abort it.
Remember, denying a fart is like denying a son.
I find it just as polite to say Gesundheit! In German, it means good health.
The unwritten rule, though, is don’t say gesundheit to a native German speaker. They think it’s pretty funny that we say that when people sneeze, 'cause they don’t.
Others:
If you have a casual dinner at a friend’s house, offer to help with the dishes.
Don’t leave the sponge in bottom of the sink.
Don’t use all but the last little bit of something (the last swallow of milk, the last gobbet of ketchup, etc.) and put it back into the refridgerator. Similarly, don’t leave just the heel of a loaf of bread.
If you’re swimming in the same lane as someone else, don’t wait until they’re about to reach the wall to begin your lap (dammit!).
Don’t shave in the locker room shower.
Don’t get use the scale with wet feet.
Say “thanks” to the cambus driver when you get off.
If you’re in a long line, figure out what you want before you reach the counter.
Don’t go barefoot in public. (This isn’t an unwritten rule I approve of, but it is a rule–if you don’t believe me, go barefoot in public. People look at you like you’re naked or something.)
Don’t correct someone’s pronunciation unless you’re good friends.
Don’t say to someone, “Man, you look like you’re pretty sick.” They might simply be having a bad day–and you just made it worse.
A man and a woman were preparing to make love for the first time. The man took off his socks and his toes were horribly malformed. “What happened to your toes?” asks the woman. “Oh,” replied the man, “When I was a kid I had tolio.” “Tolio?” the woman asks, “You mean polio”. “No,” says the man, “Tolio.”
Off comes his pants, and his knees catch the woman’s attention. “Kneesels,” says the man. The woman asks, “You mean measels?” “No. Kneesels.”
The man removes his underwear. The woman gasps and says, “Don’t tell me. Smallcox!”
Don’t correct your teacher on his or her spelling.
Some things, I learn the hard way…
Lexicon, your list was very well written.
This one is especially important 
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Do not, under any circumstances, take a week of vacation, then upon returning, conjure up a family illness to soak out two more weeks of paid leave and then expect another week’s vacation at the end of the year. Especially if said worker only receives two weeks vacation per year.
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Never leave an empty roll of toilet paper in the employee washroom. Replace it.
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Don’t assume that because a supervisor makes more money or has more vacation time that he/she doesn’t put in longer hours without pay.
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Don’t gossip or backstab in the office. Turnover rates are high and eventually what was said will come back to haunt you.
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Always be courteous to callers and visitors to your office.
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Never volunteer to take on more responsibilities if you can’t handle it. Bitching and complaining solves nothing and makes everyone in the office resent you.
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The “I overslept” excuse can be used no more than once per month before supervisors get suspicious.
Don’t wait until the checker has your groceries all totaled up to start digging in your purse for your checkbook.
And never look straight up at a bird.
Always save on disk. Even then, it might not work, but at least you’ll know you tried.
Don’t delete reports until several months after they’re handed in. You’ll never know when you might need to revise them. (This was learned the hard way.)
Sometimes the only thing you can do to help a friend is listen, make sympathetic noises and nod.
Keep air freshener spray bottles in the bathroom but . . .
Don’t overdo the spraying of them. It’s nauseating to the person who goes in next.
Never drink out of public water fountains.
Always wash your hands after using the restroom.
Originally posted by orion007
Thank you very much.
If you have kids:
If going to a playdate and your kids are a little sick (minor cold), call the other Mom and advise her and see if she still wants you to come over. It’s just courtesy. Don’t be cheezed off if she says no. It’s nothing personal.
Your house, your rules. Their house, their rules. No rules at their house, your rules. ( be the alpha wolf)
( If your friends kids jump on the couch and that is a no-no, politely advise said kids and redirect their attention.)
If your child is having a melt down in a public place, remove them immediately from the store/theater/playground to a more private place to see if you can calm them down and salvage the mission. If not, scrub the expedition and head back to base. ( You can live off of whatever is in the pantry for another day until you get a chance to try for shopping again.)
When at someone else’s house, teach your children to pick up the toys after they are finished playing.
In other avenues of life:
Don’t flick your cigerette butt out your car window. ( or Fast food bags either.)
I can’t beleive I am the first to put this here Rewind your video rental tapes.
Left is for passing and speeding.
Right is for driving.
Never miss an opportunity to take a pee.
When visiting a sick friend in the hospital, limit your stay to 15 minutes. They are there for to recover, not socialize.
Take something to the said sick friend in hospital something like a magazine.
Learn to write thank you notes.
Never call anyone before 7am.
Wash your hands before touching a baby.
Teach your dog the basic commands.
Never FWD lame jokes, UL’s and other nonsense.
If you are wrong, admit it.
If you are right, avoid gloating.
Never keep bread over 3 days.
Never keep lettuce over a week.
Never keep fish. Cook it the same day bought.
Extremely Important Exception: Malt Liquor
Not if you are crafty like me <wicked laugh>.
Never masturbate in the same room as someone else unless you want them to know about it.
- Before bringing your kid to an event, ask the inviter if children are welcome.
- Never pass up the opportunity to compliment someone. Corollary: never pass up the opportunity to provide a well-deserved slam to a complete jerk.
- If you have kids, always have tissue/wet wipes and a toy with you. Maybe even if you don’t.
- Just because you have credit/money doesn’t mean you have to spend it. I need to learn this one.
- Whomever said ‘write thank-you notes’ - you are truly wonderful. Thank you notes are the glue of society.
- Brown shoes with a black or grey outfit - wrong.
- For the love of Pete, don’t wear stockings/ pantyhose/ tights/ socks with open toed shoes. Please.
- Don’t wear hose/tights that are significantly darker than your shoes. Black tights and white shoes just look wrong.
I know I’m gonna catch shit on those last three, but they needed to be said.
[list][li]Let folks exit the elevator or subway car before you try to get on.[/li][li]On the elevator, keep your eyes straight ahead and say nothing. (Steven Wright routine: When we were kids, my dad used to make us stand beside each other, look straight ahead and be perfectly quiet. He called it “elevator practice.”)[/li](For Southern gentlemen:) Don’t cuss in front of the women-folk.