Now that he’s makin’ headlines again I can pull out one of my old favorites.
What’s the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenberg?
One’s a FLAMING NAZI GAS BAG and the other is an airship.
The daddy ground mole climbs out of the hole, stretches, inhales deeply, and exclaims, “mmmmm, I smell honey!”
The momma mole pokes her head out of the hole and agrees, “I smell honey, too!”
The baby mole can’t get by and says, "I don’t smell anything but: MOLE ASSES !!!
Moved from IMHO to MPSIMS.
What’s the difference between your mother and a duck?
I don’t remember the rest, but your mother’s a whore!
Whoops. Disregard the last post. Here’s the real one:
What’s the difference between your mother and a duck?
One quacks and I don’t remember the rest, but your mother’s a whore.
One’s a sick duck, and I don’t remember the rest, but your mother’s a whore
One’s a sick duck, the other’s a quick fuck
(I’m allowed to do that to myself, right?)
oops, that’s to “what’s the difference between your mother, and a mallard with a cold?”
Ah, that’s the one. Looks like I remembered it wrong.
so a baby seal walks into a club…
What’s the difference between a Lawyer and a catfish?
One’s a bottom-dwelling scum sucker… and the other’s a fish
How did Helen Keller meet her husband? It was a blind date.
How did Helen Keller burn her fingers? Trying to read the waffle iron.
How did Helen Keller burn her ear? Trying to answer the iron.
Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans? So you can read her lips.
Why do farts smell? So Helen Keller can enjoy them too.
Why was Helen Keller’s belly button so big?
Cuz her husband was blind and deaf as well!
ROTTEN! I know!
…snaps to airtank …that’s classically BAD! 
What do baby harp seals drink?
Canadian Club on the rocks
Q: What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?
A: Nothing.
Hey, have you seen Helen Keller’s new house?
No?
Neither has she.
Maybe I’ll come back later with some dead baby jokes.
I thought the punchline was:
No, that’s just ice cream.
A grasshopper hops into a bar. He lands on the bar stool, and gets the bartender’s attention. The bartender says, “Hey you know we have a drink named after you…”
The Grasshopper says, “Get out of here! You have a drink named Kevin?”
I thought you wanted jokes and not one-liners.
Here’s one to raise the intellectual level of this thread.
An unworldly old man got hemorhoids. He didn’t want to ride in a car so his equally unworldly wife went to the doctor.
He gave her some medicinal suppositories with the instruction, “Use these rectally twice a day.”
Home she went and relayed the instruction. “I don’t understand the words. How do I take these?”
Back to the doctor. “Insert one into the anus twice a day.”
Back home with the new instruction. “I still don’t understand. You are going to have to go back again.”
This time the doctor decided he was going to have to be blunt with no fancy words.
“Tell him to stick them up his ass.”
Home again where the message was relayed.
“Well, now we’ve made him mad and I never will find out how to use these things.”
-
Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess stops them and says “Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger.” -
NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental
purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world. -
Two boll weevils grew up in S Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and
became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to
much–and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.
More to follow.
Do you know why Helen Keller’s leg is yellow? Her dog is blind too.
A bounty hunter moseys into a town in the old west, looking for work. “Hey, sheriff, you got any varmints you need rounded up?”
“Weelll, there is this one dude, but he’s kind o’ strange.”
“Strange? Strange how?”
“Y’see, he wears a brown paper hat.”
“Brown paper hat? Fer heavens sake!”
“Yeah, that’s right. And he wears a brown paper shirt.”
“Naw. Really?”
“Yep. Thass not all. He wears brown paper pants.”
“Golllly!”
“Uh huh. An’ brown paper boots, brown paper chaps, a brown paper belt, brown paper holster AND a brown paper gun!”
“That shure is strange, all right. But tell me, sheriff, what’s 'e wanted fer?”
“Rustling.”