What do you call a tennis game between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder? Endless love.
How do you get Helen Keller to keep a secret? Break her fingers.
Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive? She was a woman.
Two prostitutes are talking during a quiet spell. The first on esays
“Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
The second one replies
“No, but I’ve been swung round by the tits”
A man went to a zoo but all it had was a dog.
It was a Shitzu.
Pekka is driving down the road when ‘boom’ he gets a flat tyre. “Perkele” he says, and after discovering he doesn’t have a jack, he decides to walk down the road and try to borrow one from someone.
As he’s walking, he’s thinking “Damn, they probably won’t have one.” He walks a little further, and the growing suspicion increases… “I BET they don’t have one”. He walks further… “DAMN IT, I’m sure they won’t have one, and if they did they wouldn’t lend it to me anyway.”
Finally he reaches a cottage, picks up a rock and hurls it through the window, shouting: “KEEP YOUR BLOODY JACK!!”
- 2 Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank
the craft, proving the old adage you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. - A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and
announces “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.” - Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused
to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Warning: language. I’ve been telling this since Grade 4, when I discovered it in a drawer at home as one of those mimeographed things people in offices passed around to each other.
Two boys of grammar school age were to be in a class play. Each had small lines to recite, the first being: “Oh, fair maiden, I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope.” The second boy was to say, “Hark! A pistol shot!”.
The night of the play came to find the two boys very nervous, knowing their parents were in the front row of the audience. When it was the first boy’s turn, being very nervous, he blurted out “Oh, fair maiden, I have come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap!” The second boy, alarmed at this, said, “Hard! A shistol pot! A shit pot! A pit shot! A cow shit! Bullshit, I shouldn’t have been in the goddamned play in the first place!”
And I thought it was:
One of its legs both wear army boots.
Okay, I don’t get his one at all. Explanation please
Just to continue the tasteful string:
How did HK’s parents punish her?
They’d rearrange the furniture.
I posted this little one somewhere else recently:
Which breed of dog can jump higher than a house?
All of them.
some good, some not so, but here goes…
Since her new husband is so old, Anna Nicole decides that after their wedding she and J. Howard should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Anna Nicole prepares herself for bed and the expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is J. Howard, her 89 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, J. Howard takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Anna Nicole hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s J. Howard, ready for more “action”. Somewhat surprised, Anna Nicole consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, J. Howard kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - J. Howard is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more “action”. And, once again they enjoy each other. But as J. Howard gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover!”
J. Howard, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anna Nicole and says…
“You mean I was here already?”
–
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?".
“We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth”, she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?”
The old lady replied,
“We just love the chocolate around them.”
–
A little boy walks into his parents bed room and see his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down.The parents stop and the mum quickly dismounts pulling the covers around her.
“What were you and dad doing?” the boy asks his mum,
“Well son, your father has a big belly and sometimes i have to get on top of it to help flatten it” she explains.
“Your wasting your time,” said the boy
“every time you go shopping Mrs Johnson next door comes in, gets on her hands and knees and blows it back up again”
–
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious, I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
“This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
–
On the final day of an inter-agency team-building course, three groups (SEALS, Army soldiers & NYPD officers) are taken by the instructor to the edge of a wooded area.
The instructor says: “OK, in this exercise I would like each of you to work with your group to go and get a rabbit”
The SEALS go in first, there is no noise until after 10 minutes, when a single gunshot rings out. 5 minutes later the SEALS group return holding a dead rabbit, with a gunshot wound right between the eyes.
Next the soldiers go in, for 20 minutes there various gunshots & explosions, with the occasional tree crashing down. Finally they emerge, bearing a charred but identifiable rabbit corpse.
Lastly the cops go in. There is absolute silence for almost an hour, until just as the instructor is considering going to get them, they emerge holding a bound and scared looking squirrel.
“Wait a minute” says the instructor, “that’s a squirrel!”
The squirrel screams out: “No, i’m a rabbit, please for the love of god i’m a rabbit!”
–
Oh, I also don’t get the duck one 
Regards,
mtk_
Three guys go into a hotel and ask for rooms. One is Jewish, one Hindu and one is Osama. The clerk says “We only have two rooms but one of you can sleep in the barn for free.”
The Hebrew fellow says " 'sokay… I will go"
Two minutes later there is a knock on the door. Opening it they find the Jewish man who says
“There is a pig in the barn. Pigs, pork you know. I can’t sleep there”.
So the Hindu fellow says “It is fine. I will instead be sleeping in the barn”
Two minutes later there is a knock on the door. Opening it they find the Hindu gentleman who says
“There is a cow in the barn. You know: Hindu and cows. I cannot be sleeping with a cow”.
Osama says “Infidels! I will then go to the barn to sleep”
Two minutes later there is a knock at the door and it’s the pig and the cow.
A cowboy rides into town and stops at the saloon, gets off his horse walks around to the back of it, lifts up the tail and kisses it smack on the ass.
The bartender inside the bar notices this transaction and thinks it a little strange. When the cowboy saunters up to the bar and orders a drink the bartender asks him, “I noticed when you got off your horse you walked behind it and kissed it on the ass. Can I ask why?”
The cowboy answers “Chapped lips”.
“Wow!” says the bartender. “It cures chapped lips?”
“No, but it sure as hell keeps you from lickin’ em.”
the original joke was: what’s the difference between your mother, and a mallard with a cold
one’s a sick duck, the other’s a quick fuck.
then in SNL’s Celebrity Jeopardy, Sean Connery tells it to Trebeck, except his punchline was
one’s a sick duck, and I forget the rest, but your mother’s a whore
I think the other two punchlines are punchlines to other dirty jokes, they’re just making fun of the disjoint way the joke was told over 4 posts, though I haven’t heard the army boots one
What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
You know, we do taste like chicken…
Students at Texas A&M University are called Aggies. Here in Texas we tell Aggie jokes.
Two Aggies were driving behind Lorena Bobbit as she threw her husband’s severed penis out the window. The severed organ hit the windshield of their car causing the Aggie driving to turn to his companion and ask;“DID YOU SEE THE SIZE OF THE DICK ON THAT BUG ?”
Metajoke. References one preexisting riddle:
What’s the difference between a duck?
One of its legs are both the same.
and an epithet:
Your mother wears army boots.
Thanks.
It was the army boot one the threw me…
Ahh, got’cha…
A guy named Benjamin is walking down a beach and finds a lamp which, of course, he rubs. A Genie appears and says
“I’ll grant you any wish on one condition. You can never shave your beard. If you do, you’ll be turned into a vase!”
Benjamin agrees immediately and suddenly he is in his castle with all his gold and all of his favorite dancing girls around him. Many years have passed and the beard has grown quite long. His favorite girl is sitting on his lap and says
“Oh Benjamin, why don’t you cut his thing off for me?”
Well, he figures it’s been years since he saw that Genie and so he goes in and shaveds it off. Instantly, he is transformed into a clay pot!
The moral of the story is:
A Benny shaved is a Benny urned!
Now that Iowa State is in the same conference with the Aggies, Iowans do too.
Why do Aggies wear knee-high boots?
You couldn’t pack that much shit in a shoe.
Did you hear that before he died, Ray Charles was planning to move to Arizona?
It was the only state that’d give him a driver’s license.