For the past couple of years, I have been pseudo-friends with my ex girlfriend. She had a pattern in which she would get into a relationship with a guy, break up with him after a while, then stay friends with him. I was guy #1. At birthday parties, the number of guy friends she had formerly dated would increase each year. Now, I wouldn’t have a problem being friends with her if she treated me like one, but she doesn’t. Despite the fact that we had a very platonic relationship, and that I did nothing physically or mentally harmful to her, for some reason she feels extremely threatened by me. Its not that she hates me, she enjoys my company with others, but she would never be alone with me. She was very close to all of her other friends, many of which she has known for less than a month, yet around me she acts like I’m a lech or child molester. I’ve done nothing, nothing to make her treat me like this, and this sub friendship has felt degrading for too long. She doesn’t have a problem with waking me up at 8 AM on my only day off to ask me for a ride to work, but heaven forbid I ask her for anything without getting some cold response or an excuse.
I do have her to thank for getting me to talk to my best friend, whom I hadn’t talked to for 2 years because of a little feud him and I had. We became friends again, but I was surprised to discover my best friend was now dating my ex-girlfriend. I was even more surprised when he invited her to move in with him in his parents house :eek: . It got even more wierd/awkward when it was discovered later that she was cheating on him, and they broke up. However, because she didn’t have anywhere to go, he continued to let her live in her house. Chances are when he moves, she’ll go with him- they are now ‘friends’. So now this presents an awkward situation for me. I have no problems with ever talking to her again, but she lives with my best friend, and they are good friends.
Perhaps I am being irrational/selfish for not wanting that type of friendship, but I’m really tired of being an emotional punching bag under the guise of being ‘kinda friends’.
The reason its gone on for this long is because I kept fooling myself into thinking we were friends, but last night, I thought back and realized how things really were.
Sure-fire test to see if someone is using you: Stop letting them use you.
If she calls up asking for a ride, tell her you can’t give her one. After a few tries of this, if she has dropped you completely from her life, you’ll have a real good indication of what place you held in it previously. And be better off to boot, IMHO.
You need to tell this best friend of yours that he’s being used. He extended an intimate trust to this girl, not just by getting into a relationship (which, I hear, is supposed to be based around mutual love and companionship), but also by inviting her into his home. His home! And she threw that trust and that hospitality into his face by dealing the most crushing emotional blow possible - she cheated on him. Yee gads! What a manipulative… well, I’ll leave the swearing in the pit.
Now, I’m sure this girl loved your friend at one point, or at least thought she did. One day, though, this came to a halt. She was faced with a dilemma, though - if she ended the relationship, she might lose the free room and board! So she acted cowardly and selfishly, continually lied to your friend by letting him think that she still loved him and was still happy with their relationship (which, I hear, is supposed to be an exclusive sort of thing), and cheated on him. She wanted both the freedom of pursuing new relationships (which would involve breaking up), and the free room and board that was extended to her during their relationship (which would, probably, involve staying together). What a terrible, terrible, selfish thing to do.
More than likely, your pal thinks that one day she’ll change her mind about him, and so he’s doing everything he can to appease her. And I’ll bet you three to one that most of her male friends are secretly hoping the same thing. Having experienced something like this before, I would strongly suggest that you explain, very slowly, the facts to your pal. If he doesn’t kick her out, start hanging out with other people. Once he’s forced to spend more time with this girl, he’ll probably see her true colors soon enough, and take action then if he doesn’t earlier.
I totally agree with you, Gaijin. Unfortunately, this is not the first time something like this happened to my best friend. He had previously been in a relationship (the cause of which resulted in us not talking to each other for 2 years) with a girl who openly cheated on him and swindled him out of thousands, he had such low self-esteem he convinced himself he deserved it and nobody could get it through his noodle what was going on. Finally he came to his senses, but after 2 weeks dated my ex-girlfriend! who, as you have demonstrated, is more or less doing the exact same thing!
Sadly, you’d think people would change, and learn their lessons, but it seems the more things change the more they stay the same. I wasn’t able to talk him out of the last situation, and I doubt I will be able to do it this time. I find it rather tragic that it may ruin my friendship with him, since I’ve known him since 3rd grade. But when two people’s principles sharply differ, sometimes there is no middle ground.